Timing

paulineb_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Hold on I'm doing exactly what people have said. Moving on.

Slagging her off as you go.

victory

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I'm in a moment of clarity. I'm a good person, I have problems I will deal with. I will be happy again.

She's hardly a catch. 3 kids by 3 different dads.2 clearly knew when to get out

If you can hear me, listen to what is being said.... your choices are your choices which have affected your gf, ever action has a reaction, you cannot then wallow in berating yourself, attacking gf verbally, lashing out, all the anger, the negativity, the me, me, me, the analyzing every single last detail, last word, why gf said that why gf did that, why did I do that? STOP STOP, you know you did wrong, gf did wrong, it is not a competition who did worse, who destroyed who most, you are getting help, concentrate on you, the love you have for your son, how you can better relationships in the future.

You do not have to be defined by your past, you can move on to be a better person , a fantastic dad, a great boyfriend, in the future, at the moment you are overwhelmed with every single negative thought and lashing out nastily and getting nowhere.

No one is going to listen to you and hear properly what you are saying if it is full of resentment, me, me, what I could have done, should have done, let it go, that is in the past, from every mistake, a lesson has to be learnt and you emerge stronger and with a greater understanding and capability to cope.

Take all the good you can muster from the mess and go forward in the direction of a much better calmer, easier, life.

icklejulez

1. Go for your therapy sessions and stick at them.
2. Discuss with a GP your abandonment issues
3. Put a reasonable and fair plan together as to how you can maintain regular contact with your son that fits in with your current mental health needs and the physical restrictions (a bedroom for your son for example).
4. Go on the CSA website and calculate what you should be offering her for your child.
5. Avoid any petty arguments with your ex. Ignore texts that are looking for an argument.


You have been the one who caused most of the trouble in your relationship by the sounds of things but you now have the opportunity to walk away, calmly and be the better person. Your son needs to see you as the better person or you will lose his respect. No matter how much you are annoyed with your ex, she is your son's mother. Allow her to vent at you, she is frustrated.


All this 'drama' is the reason everyone on here is telling you to go and seek help. It isn't necessary or rational. How many people have told you to calm down? Relationships end, now learn to move on. Calmly without being vindictive and spiteful. Ignore her malicious comments and accept them as her being hurt and exhausted of the games. Learn to be the better person in this. Support her in being a mother to your son. The happier she is, the happier your son will grow up.


DO NOT allow your son to grow up around all this drama!

giantmutantbroccoli

Sound like you're both better off apart then.
I'll just leave this here...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fox_and_the_Grapes

StuC75

What a change in this thread once the Shoe was on the other foot in terms of the Ex calling to way what she wanted and as was getting, this is really Therapist fodder..

Im not sure about the OP 'Moving on',,, needs to take a massive Time out..

giantmutantbroccoli really has summed the whole thread up!!..

paulineb_2

How those kids are treated by the pair of you is the most important thing. Including the two who regard you as their dad. Life is bloody tough at times, most of us make mistakes, I've made some clangers in my time.

But chewing over who is more to blame than the other is not helpful.

Having 3 kids by 3 different dads is life for some people. She's being criticised by you, not the dads who walked. I understand you are in pain but before you say something really stupid and poisonous to her put the phone down, walk away and get some advice legally about how to get proper access to your kids.

Confusedandneedhelp

I agree and after my rant yesterday I took a step back.

But I fell for her !!!!!!!! again. She made it sound like I was just having a go at her and not willing to talk. Low and behold I extend the hand of civility and say 'look we might not like eachother but we need to be rational for the kids sake' suddenly she's not responding. Just wanted a cheap shot at me.

I'm going to have to go down the legal route I think. Shame really. Will give her 10 days of no contact then ask about seeing the kids. If it's still a no I really have no choice.

marisco_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

But I fell for her !!!!!!!! again. She made it sound like I was just having a go at her and not willing to talk. Low and behold I extend the hand of civility and say 'look we might not like eachother but we need to be rational for the kids sake' suddenly she's not responding. Just wanted a cheap shot at me.

And breathe. Maybe she is just taking some time out to give real considered thought to what you have recently suggested. Working out in her own mind how best to approach arrangements for the kids in future with you. That she is not responding right away, does not have to automatically mean she is trying to play mind games with you. If you two are going to make a go of being the best parents you can to your kids, then at some point you are going to have to learn to place a lot of trust in one another.

Confusedandneedhelp

marisco wrote: »

And breathe. Maybe she is just taking some time out to give real considered thought to what you have recently suggested. Working out in her own mind how best to approach arrangements for the kids in future with you. That she is not responding right away, does not have to automatically mean she is trying to play mind games with you. If you two are going to make a go of being the best parents you can to your kids, then at some point you are going to have to learn to place a lot of trust in one another.

Ye maybe. I left it like this:
Look I know I said I'd leave u to it, and I will after this message. I just wanted to say it's a shame that all we seem to have at the moment is hate and anger.

I understand your hurt, I understand that your angry at me. I'd like to put a stop to all of this. We used to have something, that relationship is gone, but perhaps we don't have to end up bitter enemies.

Your the mother of my children. You are a good mum and your health and well being is important.
Your private life is yours, not my business. But id like to talk civilly and rationally about the kids.

I'm putting forward a hand of friendship, perhaps u just need a friend now?

Anyway the ball is in your court. You won't hear from me for a while.

I'm now giving her ten days to get in touch, no contact from me. I will then ask again in ten days time. If not I've written a letter to send her. After seeking legal advice - what a joke, actually hate that things have got like this when 6 months ago we were together. - I've decided that it's best to keep things as civil and emotionless as possible. Not that that's easy.

paulineb_2

I don't think it's sinking in that she might need a bit of space right now. It's important you see the kids, but give her some time out.