A wee quandary again re the people at the Church

indsty

This is interesting as I am in the process of finding a new church in a new town. There is a choice of three near enough and of the "right" denomination. I am finding it incredibly difficult to judge which is the most comfortable for me. Just going along once to a service really doesn't give you much idea of what things are like. Then once you are a "regular" it feels a bit wrong to decide you don't like it. You want people to be friendly and welcoming, whilst not being immediately invited onto the flower rota, women's groups, coffee morning serving etc etc. It is a very difficult balance for the regular congregation I think.
However, if the OP feels OK going along for the regular service and then going home then she should certainly be able to do that. Maybe you just need to keep saying "no thanks", whilst remaining friendly and interested in what is going on.

System

The bible says about meeting together:


Hebrews 10: 24,25
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another...

Colossians 3: 16
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

The bible says about meeting with unbelievers:

2 Corinthians 6: 14-15
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?


Me, well I have to be different, I believe this:


Matthew 5: 14-16
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Unfortunately your brothers and sisters in Christ think they are doing you a favour by encouraging your attendance in all these meetings. I say, let your light shine.:rotfl:

carefullycautious

KiKi wrote: »

I think it may have been because you dared to write the word 'any' in capitals. And it was easier to have a go at you for that than actually read the useful content of your posts.

Wrong on both accounts

jaylee3

indsty wrote: »

You want people to be friendly and welcoming, whilst not being immediately invited onto the flower rota, women's groups, coffee morning serving etc etc. It is a very difficult balance for the regular congregation I think.
However, if the OP feels OK going along for the regular service and then going home then she should certainly be able to do that. Maybe you just need to keep saying "no thanks", whilst remaining friendly and interested in what is going on.

This ^^^

I really do understand where the OP is coming from. It is very hard to get the right balance with church. And many churches are more likely to want people getting involved in lots of activities outside of Sunday morning service, than to want people only coming to the Sunday morning service every 3 weeks. However, as many have said on here, if someone wants to just come to the service to worship and to sing hymns and say hello to some of the people at the congregation, then go home and have no more involvement, then that is their prerogative, and they shouldn't feel bullied into getting involved in things they don't want to be involved in or don't have time for.

I do agree with this line from the quoted post:

You want people to be friendly and welcoming, whilst not being immediately invited onto the flower rota, women's groups, coffee morning serving etc etc.

Some people - not all - but some in the congregation are very pushy, and as someone said earlier in the thread, you give an inch and they take a mile.

You offer to do one thing or help with one thing and they will be all over you, expecting you to be at their beck and call. And it's very rude to assume that because someone does not have paid employment or children at home, that they are lonely or miserable or have nothing to do - or all three! And some people do think this, and as someone else said earlier in the thread, some people seem to assume that people who don't work cannot possibly lead full and fun lives.

To the people saying 'just tell them you want nothing to do with the church, outside of Sunday mornings;' I am not sure how you expect the OP to go about saying this. There is no way to say it without coming across as rude.

I do think though OP, that if the women's group that you go to is a church group, then they are obviously going to talk about Jesus and sing religious songs, so if this bores you, then don't go. Just tell them that you are starting to feel anxious in big groups or something.

I must say that I think these women have crossed the line of just being friendly, if they have asked half a dozen times or more, and you have declined, and they keep asking. I mean, no wonder people have stopped going to church if badgering like this goes on. I'm sure if this happened to the people who are saying this seems OK and they are 'only being friendly,' they wouldn't like it. I would hate it. This kind of thing has happened to me in the workplace in the past, and it's terribly annoying and you do feel like you're being harangued.

I suggest you stop going to the women's group OP, and just carry on going to the church 3-weekly as you are, worship in your own way, and maybe as a few have said, have a word with the vicar. But seriously, these women should have stopped asking by now, and like some people on here, they should be more understanding and respectful of you. A few people on here have been very rude!

The OP has made it abundantly clear that she simply wants to go to church every few weeks, and that she is being continually badgered to join in. with lots of other activities, when she doesn't want to. Some people may see this as being friendly, and the OP being rude. That is not the case. She has declined many many times now, and they keep asking. They are the ones being rude and disrespectful. Continually asking, after being told 'no' time and time again, and assuming she is lonely and desperate for friends is patronising and insulting.

Brighton_belle

jaylee3 wrote: »

To the people saying 'just tell them you want nothing to do with the church, outside of Sunday mornings;' I am not sure how you expect the OP to go about saying this. There is no way to say it without coming across as rude.
Said with a smile: I really appreciate your kindness in inviting me, but I am not able to attend more than a church service every 3 weeks or so and I'm finding it a bit overwhelming to have to constantly turn down initiations. It would be so great if you could quietly spread the word that I'm finding the attention a bit too much to cope with at present.

Continually asking, after being told 'no' time and time again, and assuming she is lonely and desperate for friends is patronising and insulting.

Or, it's just slightly misplace kindness and the OP just needs to say as above. And have a word with the vicar. Maybe the ones asking her were very lonely at first in the church and found it difficult to join in and were determined to treat others how they would like to have been treated when first new in the church.

Errata

Billie-S wrote: »

Well the nearest other Church is about 5 miles away, and TBH I would have preferred to go to the one a few minutes walk from my road. It's generally OK, but for the few pushy people. I don't 'get' why they aren't happy with people simply attending Church. I mean, the VICAR is!

Exercise a bit of Christian charity and accept that people aren't perfect. I'm sure the vicar does.

NiallB

Billie-S wrote: »

Is it so bad that I want to be selfish and just think about ME for once, after all my adult life running around after ailing parents and 2 children only 14 months apart in age? Please don't get me wrong; I loved my parents, and I love my kids, and none of looking after them was a chore or anything: it was part of my life, and I was content and happy at the time, but now I am commitment-free, and want to stay that way for a while, not rush straight into more commitments again!

In fairness to the church ladies, do they know this?

victory

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Or, it's just slightly misplace kindness and the OP just needs to say as above. And have a word with the vicar. Maybe the ones asking her were very lonely at first in the church and found it difficult to join in and were determined to treat others how they would like to have been treated when first new in the church.

I agree with this ^^^^ maybe what they are doing just plain comes from the heart, to not see another person lonely as they could have been once and wanting to do good, or it could be that yes they are much more passionate about the church and all that entails than yourself and do not quite know when to stop/back off and as Naill says do they actually know you have no commitments at all now and are enjoying all that entails and do not want to commit to the church as much as they do?

You want to be free but also want to be accepted on your terms and give when and how you want to, they are more committed than you, compromise, communicate, be nice as they are being to you and with a bit of give and take you all could have a very happy harmonious relationship?

Have you ever thought of inviting them outside of church duties to get to know them on a one to one as another friend that could enrich your life?

marisco_2

Person_one wrote: »

You seem to know an awful about these women considering you know absolutely nothing about these women.

I was putting forward a perspective of the situation, just as you have. It is up to the OP who knows these women best, to decide which one of us has got it right. She can then take from this thread the advice she feels applies. Just as every other person who posts for opinions on this forum does.

Brighton_belle

Billie, I do hope you can find a solution to this. It would be sad if you stopped going to church at all, as clearly it is important to you.
Ideally, it would be best if you lived in a small Cathedral city so you could anonymously go to a service there every 3 weeks and just be a nobody in a sea of strangers.
Unfortunately, most smaller local churches don't operate like this: and are a community of imperfect people, just like in society in general who want to be inclusive, to whom the all to common criticism "I went to that church down the road and no body spoke to me or seemed interested" is a risk they would strive to avoid.
It does only seem to be a few people at each church you've tried though, not remotely everyone. I do think your best bet is a word with the vicar.


I wonder also if you are confusing the concept of assertiveness with rudeness. It is ok to legitimately express your needs. If you don't, no one has a crystal ball and they will have no clue the effect they are having on you.