A wee quandary again re the people at the Church

January20

tea_lover wrote: »

Really? Sounds rude to me.

Sorry, what? Saying that these meetings are boring is rude? How sensitive are you? The OP didn't say it to the people involved did she? (you didn't OP, did you? ) So nothing rude. Just an opinion!

OP, you need to grow a thicker skin and learn to say "no, thank you. I'm too busy/ I haven't got the time" and keep repeating as you are asked. They will get the message!

tea_lover

January20 wrote: »

Sorry, what? Saying that these meetings are boring is rude? How sensitive are you? The OP didn't say it to the people involved did she? (you didn't OP, did you? ) So nothing rude. Just an opinion

So it's only rude if you say something to someone's face? You can't be rude if it's behind their back? What rubbish.

Mrs_Imp

Billie-S wrote: »

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I don't want to get tied into anything, or get tied down by anything, as I have *just* got to the point in my life where I have absolutely NO commitments whatsoever for the first time in my life!


How do I deal with this?

Without reading much else, this bit kind of stood out to me. The only way people are going to know that you don't want to get involved is if you tell them!

They're trying to be friendly and involve you with things and make you feel welcome. I was asked to join various groups, and I really appreciated the thought, and I got a lot out of the groups. The ones I didn't want to join I replied and said 'No thanks, it's not really for me'

So next time just say 'No thanks, it's not for me right now' And if they keep asking, after a few times you say politely, 'It really isn't for me, and I'd prefer it if you didn't ask again'.

It really is all about communication.

January20

tea_lover wrote: »

So it's only rude if you say something to someone's face? You can't be rude if it's behind their back? What rubbish.

The OP is not talking behind anybody's back. She is saying that she doesn't want to attend the meetings because they are boring.
There is nothing rude about this!

Just because it's a religious meeting doesn't mean she is not allowed to express an honest opinion even if that opinion is negative!

I'm not going to argue with you; it is quite clear to me that you are biased because the topic is religion. I'm sure if the OP had said I don't read [insert any forum] on MSE you wouldn't have found it rude!

inkie

Sounds like a welcoming Church to me. They want to offer you different opportunities to engage with them as you continue on your faith journey. nothing wrong with that at all.
What denomination is it?

jaylee3

Torry_Quine wrote: »

To be totally honest this desn't sound like the right church for you.

To explain the church I attend sounds not that unlike yours and it is the norm for people to go every week or twice unless ill-health or work commitments mean this isn't possible. Everyone is also strongly encouraged to go to a small group weekly which either meet in somone's home in the evening or those with young children or the elderly have groups that meet during the day at church. It is also expected that you are involved with some kind of ministry however small from stewarding, serving tea to running activities for the youth and everyting in-between.

Being a Christian is for me and by the sounds of it the women you talk of far more than just a weekly service but involves every aspect of your life.

My God, this would drive me nuts! That's enough to put ANYone off going to church. I have never heard anything like it. This sounds more like a full-time job than church attendance or following your faith. Do you have to have a sick-note to 'excuse' you if you're unwell?! Does the form you fill in say 'words like 'unwell' or 'sick' are not acceptable?!

Many years ago, (maybe very late 80s/early 90s,) for about 2 or 3 years, me and my brother and sister used to go to church, with my nan, and we just used to go every second or third week or so and at Easter and Christmas and so on. I don't remember anyone badgering or bullying or demanding people attend more often or get involved in loads of activities outside the Sunday services. All they had extra was a bible study group on Wednesday evenings, that people could go to if they chose to. They certainly weren't expected to.

As the OP said, it should be perfectly acceptable for people to go whenever they like. Just once a month, if this is the frequency that they feel happy with. And they certainly should not be badgered by women who obviously have nothing else in their lives other than their faith! They need to realise after the OP has not turned up to any of the extra things after 10 times of asking, that she has no interest.

I was talking to my friend about this yesterday, and she said when her kids were younger, (some 6-8 years back,) she used to take them to Sunday school about every 2-3 weeks, as her mother was a churchgoer in another city, and she thought it would be nice to introduce her kids to the church. She experienced the same kind of issues; very pushy people trying to get you involved in something going on every day.

And after months of being hounded, and quizzed as to when she was coming to these things, and constant sly remarks like 'I haven't seen you at church for about 3 or 4 weeks have I? have you been ill?' basically wanting to know why she wasn't attending more often, she actually gradually started going less and less, and then just stopped altogether especially as the kids started saying it was boring. She did say that the main reason she stopped going was because of the pushy and obsessive people. Not ALL of them were like this - about 6 to 8 people were, but it was enough to spoil it for her.

I mean, no wonder congregation numbers are dropping if people who just want to attend every 3-4 weeks and don't want to get involved in anything else, are being made to feel guilty or bad for not wanting any other involvement. I mean, God forbid that people have other things to do, and other people to spend time with. As someone said earlier in the thread, with SOME people in church - it's all or nothing. From what the OP said, this is going to go the same way as my friend - it's going to be nothing, because she will stop going.

And it's not as easy as 'finding another church,' either, because frankly, they are virtually all the same, with many of the same kind of people. Some are OK, but there are always the bossy pushy 'you MUST get involved' kind of people who assume everyone who goes is a lost sheep that must be indoctrinated into the flock. Not realising that some people come to just worship every few weeks, and that is enough for them. Like I said, no wonder people stop going.

Also agree with January, it's ludicrous to imply that the OP is being rude by saying she is finding the women's group boring. if that is the only contribution that a poster can make to this discussion, then why bother posting? The comments are unhelpful, and far more 'rude' than anything the OP has said.

Finally Billie, if you do come back to the thread, then what I would suggest is something that a few others have said: just keep going every 3 weeks or so, and don't get involved with anything else outside the Sunday morning worships. Stop going to the women's group, and the next time they ask you to attend something or if you'd be interested, just say 'hmmm I don't think so sorry, at the moment I can't really give much more than coming to church every few weeks.' Or something similar. After a few more months, they will stop asking, as it will eventually sink in that this is you and this is your church attendance, and they can like it or lump it. It's really none of their business frankly, how often you go.

Torry_Quine

jaylee3 wrote: »

My God, this would drive me nuts! That's enough to put ANYone off going to church. I have never heard anything like it. This sounds more like a full-time job than church attendance or following your faith. Do you have to have a sick-note to 'excuse' you if you're unwell?! Does the form you fill in say 'words like 'unwell' or 'sick' are not acceptable?!


Many years ago, (maybe very late 80s/early 90s,) for about 2 or 3 years, me and my brother and sister used to go to church, with my nan, and we just used to go every second or third week or so and at Easter and Christmas and so on. I don't remember anyone badgering or bullying or demanding people attend more often or get involved in loads of activities outside the Sunday services. All they had extra was a bible study group on Wednesday evenings, that people could go to if they chose to. They certainly weren't expected to.

As the OP said, it should be perfectly acceptable for people to go whenever they like. Just once a month, if this is the frequency that they feel happy with. And they certainly should not be badgered by women who obviously have nothing else in their lives other than their faith! They need to realise after the OP has not turned up to any of the extra things after 10 times of asking, that she has no interest.

I was talking to my friend about this yesterday, and she said when her kids were younger, (some 6-8 years back,) she used to take them to Sunday school about every 2-3 weeks, as her mother was a churchgoer in another city, and she thought it would be nice to introduce her kids to the church. She experienced the same kind of issues; very pushy people trying to get you involved in something going on every day.

And after months of being hounded, and quizzed as to when she was coming to these things, and constant sly remarks like 'I haven't seen you at church for about 3 or 4 weeks have I? have you been ill?' basically wanting to know why she wasn't attending more often, she actually gradually started going less and less, and then just stopped altogether especially as the kids started saying it was boring. She did say that the main reason she stopped going was because of the pushy and obsessive people. Not ALL of them were like this, but about 5 or 6 ; enough to spoil it for her.

I mean, no wonder congregation numbers are dropping if people who just want to attend every 3-4 weeks and don't want to get involved in anything else, are being made to feel guilty or bad for not wanting any other involvement. I mean, God forbid that people have other things to do, and other people to spend time with. As someone said earlier in the thread, with SOME people in church - it's all or nothing. From what the OP said, this is going to go the same way as my friend - it's going to be nothing, because she will stop going.

And it's not as easy as 'finding another church,' either, because frankly, they are virtually all the same, with many of the same kind of people. Some are OK, but there are always the bossy pushy 'you MUST get involved' kind of people who assume everyone who goes is a lost sheep that must be indoctrinated into the flock. Not realising that some people come to just worship every few weeks, and that is enough for them. Like I said, no wonder people stop going.

Also agree with January, it's ludicrous to imply that the OP is being rude by saying she is finding the women's group boring. if that is the only contribution that a poster can make to this discussion, then why bother posting? The comments are unhelpful, and far more 'rude' than anything the OP has said.

Finally Billie, if you do come back to the thread, then what I would suggest is something that a few others have said: just keep going every 3 weeks or so, and don't get involved with anything else outside the Sunday morning worships. Stop going to the women's group, and the next time they ask you to attend something or if you'd be interested, just say 'hmmm I don't think so sorry, at the moment I can't really give much more than coming to church every few weeks.' Or something similar. After a few more months, they will stop asking, as it will eventually sink in that this is you and this is your church attendance, and they can like it or lump it. It's really none of their business frankly, how often you go.

If you notice I said that this was how my church functioned and as it is constantly attracting new members then it obviously works for us. I did say that that someone who has a health issue wouldn't be expected to come at all. If someone I know isn't there for a few weeks then I would be in touch to see that all is alright and would expect the same.

In general the type of person who attends the church described by the OP (which sounds like an Evangelical church) wouldn't see anything strange in attending both services on a Sunday and a house-group during the week.

I agree that if she wants to go less frequently that's her choice but she shouldn't be surprised that some people ask where she's been in the interim. Amount of attendance does not a Christian make but it's in my experience unusual to only want to meet with fellow believers every few weeks. For instance my church often does a series of sermons and so if you miss weeks will not get the best out of it.

Just to close by saying that if being a Christian doesn't impact all aspects of your life then you are missing out.

Nenen

Personally, I would have loved to have been in the OP's shoes when I was going to church. I had the opposite experience in the churches I went to, i.e. I was rarely invited to join in with anything much by the vast majority of people I met. I went to three different churches over a 20 year period and found them all to be divided by cliques that were impossible to join. I never felt as if my presence was really wanted and certainly never felt part of the 'in crowd' even though I was giving a great deal of my time and energy to various church meetings and outreach activities.

Although this article is about a rather extreme American church, it seems pertinent to this thread:
http://www.larknews.com/archives/574

Prothet_of_Doom

Like all hobbies, one (wo)man's hobby,
is another (wo)man's mental illness.

Pick a hobby, any hobby, and there'll be people for whom it takes over thier life.

The thing about religion is that the real point is about doing good, perhaps helping the needy, not about social events.

So definately not about ME, and probably not so much of the coffee mornings, but probably about organising soup kitchens.

esmerelda98

jaylee3 wrote: »

I mean, no wonder congregation numbers are dropping if people who just want to attend every 3-4 weeks and don't want to get involved in anything else, are being made to feel guilty or bad for not wanting any other involvement. Congregation numbers in traditional Anglican churches may be dropping (I'm not sure this is still true, especially in major towns and cities), but they are growing in Evangelical and Catholic churches.I mean, God forbid that people have other things to do, and other people to spend time with. As someone said earlier in the thread, with SOME people in church - it's all or nothing. Many Christians believe your faith shouldn't be some small compartmentalised part of your life but the very foundation of your life. There is a verse in the Bible that says that the Christian message is either vitally important or a load of rubbish and you would expect a person who believes it to act accordingly.From what the OP said, this is going to go the same way as my friend - it's going to be nothing, because she will stop going. Which would be a shame. However, whilst some church members can certainly be more sensitive to those 'dipping their toes in the water', I think the OP can help them by being a bit more clear about where she stands on getting involved. As in all walks of life, some people just don't take hints very well, and others are just a bit pushy by nature.

Comments in quote above.