A wee quandary again re the people at the Church

Billie-S

As I have mentioned before, I am a Christian and I do go to Church, about once every three weeks actually. I pray privately, and read the bible occasionally - and do know lots of stories from it, but aren't 'obsessed' by it and don't follow every 'rule' in it LOL. I have many non-Christian friends and my 2 daughters and husband do not go to Church.

Wellllll.... I moved to this very small town I live in last year, and have been to this 'woman's group' - organised by the Church - about 4 or 5 times. I was invited to it, the first time I went to Church some 5 to 6 months back. (It's every 3 to 4 weeks...) They are pleasant, but the group involves basically talking about the bible, and Jesus, and singing a few songs.

Frankly I am finding it boring. It's OK, but I have started going less, as a few of the women there are quite obsessed with Jesus. To me, my faith is a small part of who I am, and for them, it's their life.

Anyway, everytime I go to Church - or to this group, I get several of the woman saying 'we have bible study on Fridays,' and 'we have a fellowship get-together on thursdays' and 'you can join the choir if you like' and 'you can join the bellringers if you like' and they keep on about all these Church-related activities almost every day. I have even been asked a few times if I will go and help with the mums and toddlers group on two mornings of the week!

I went to Church last 3 weeks ago, and intend on going tomorrow, and I saw a woman from the woman's group this morning, and she said 'oh long time no see...' I mean FGS, it's only been 3 weeks! I have seen her and all the others more times this year than I have seen my own daughters who are away at uni! I haven't seen them since January 3rd! It's this kind of passive aggressive comment that drove me away from the LAST church. I mean !!!!!!, am I not allowed to just go to Church every 3 weeks, and this woman's group SOME of time (and not all!) Surely, it's up to me?

And right now, I don't work, and I haven't for about half a year. Also, I have both daughters away at uni, and some people seem to think for some reason, that because of this, I have nothing else to do, and nothing else in my life, ergo: I have all the time in the world to get involved with Church activities. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am always busy and never struggle to fill my days.

Frankly, for the first time in my life (50 years,) I am currently in a position, where I have NO TIES in my life. I have no job, no elderly parents to run around after (they died between 5 and 8 years back,) and now I have no kids at home. I can come and go as I please, I can meet up with friends for coffees, visit family who live 35-40 miles away, I have no school run, no taxi service for my kids, no nothing.

And although this may be short term, as I may have to go back to work, within the next year, I am enjoying myself greatly: going for long walks, (like 4 hours ones,) having lots of 'me time,' going for meals and walks and daytrips with my husband, and generally getting on with lots of reading, writing, photography, painting and crafts and gardening, and some days just doing nothing but watching telly and films and reading!

So is it so bad that I don't want to join in with all these Church activities? One of the women at the Church even started telling me how I could get involved with voluntary activities. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I don't want to get tied into anything, or get tied down by anything, as I have *just* got to the point in my life where I have absolutely NO commitments whatsoever for the first time in my life!

Is it so bad that I want to be selfish and just think about ME for once, after all my adult life running around after ailing parents and 2 children only 14 months apart in age? Please don't get me wrong; I loved my parents, and I love my kids, and none of looking after them was a chore or anything: it was part of my life, and I was content and happy at the time, but now I am commitment-free, and want to stay that way for a while, not rush straight into more commitments again!

Please don't think me mean or selfish as a person. I may get involved more in a year or two, but right now, I am loving my time to myself, and my own time, and I don't WANT to get involved in anything, and this constant pressuring is putting me off going to church or getting involved in anything. Like I said, am I not allowed to just attend Church when I want, without being grilled, or coerced into other things?

How do I deal with this?

Thanks in advance. x

tea_lover

I wouldn't say inviting someone to events you think they may enjoy is in anyway passive aggressive. If you don't want to become more involved that's absolutely your right of course, but there's no need to be rude about people who are being friendly and welcoming.

Billie-S

tea_lover wrote: »

I wouldn't say inviting someone to events you think they may enjoy is in anyway passive aggressive. If you don't want to become more involved that's absolutely your right of course, but there's no need to be rude about people who are being friendly and welcoming.

I'm not being rude tealover; it was the way this woman said that she hadn't seen me for ages, that bugged me, it's NOT the being asked to things that I said was passive aggressive, it was the way she said 'long time no see' when I only saw her 3 weeks back at Church... and it's not the first time this has happened.

I feel like I am being coerced and almost like emotionally blackmailed into getting involved. I mean, EVERY time I go to the Church or the Woman's Group, I get asked to go to this and that and this and that, even though I have declined, and it's putting me off going to Church now AND to the Group. I am not being rude about anyone.

Like I said, am I not allowed to just go to Church when I feel like it, and not get involved with anything else. Your post just proves my point! Just because I don't want to join in with things, you accuse me of being RUDE.

libra10

It sounds like you're living the dream, and I wouldn't be harassed by these bible bullies.

You've cared for your parents and children, and now have time to enjoy yourself, doing your own thing. Enjoy your freedom and don't be made to feel mean or selfish. You're not!

Not everyone wants to become involved in clubs, organising fund-raising events, or volunteering, you have done your bit, you deserve some 'me time'.

I would politely tell the ladies from church that you can't commit to organised events as you are too busy.

Good luck

paulineb_2

I dont think there is much dealing to be done really. Im sure you made a post a few months back about people being quite negative towards you but in this instance, all you need to say is, I dont have time to volunteer and also if people make comments like long time no see, just need to let it go in one ear and out the other.

How involved you get is completely up to you and thats as it should be.

tea_lover

Billie-S wrote: »

Frankly I am finding it boring. It's OK, but I have started going less, as a few of the women there are quite obsessed with Jesus. To me, my faith is a small part of who I am, and for them, it's their life.

I went to Church last 3 weeks ago, and intend on going tomorrow, and I saw a woman from the woman's group this morning, and she said 'oh long time no see...' I mean FGS, it's only been 3 weeks! I have seen her and all the others more times this year than I have seen my own daughters who are away at uni! I haven't seen them since January 3rd! It's this kind of passive aggressive comment that drove me away from the LAST church.

Billie-S wrote: »

I am not being rude about anyone.

Really? Sounds rude to me.

thorsoak

Just tell them that you are sorry, but you are unable to commit yourself for other church things at the moment - you need to devote some time to your marriage.

Billie-S

libra10 wrote: »

It sounds like you're living the dream, and I wouldn't be harassed by these bible bullies.

You've cared for your parents and children, and now have time to enjoy yourself, doing your own thing. Enjoy your freedom and don't be made to feel mean or selfish. You're not!

Not everyone wants to become involved in clubs, organising fund-raising events, or volunteering, you have done your bit, you deserve some 'me time'.

I would politely tell the ladies from church that you can't commit to organised events as you are too busy.

Good luck

Thank you Libra. This is how I feel. That I deserve some 'me' time now and I believe that I shouldn't be made to feel bad or guilty for this.

freyamae

I can understand its a very tricky situation I attend a small church in my community and have struggled sometimes with people who are over- enthusiastic.

My daughter has a strong faith but feels very uncomfortable in social situations with people she doesn't know but isnt good at saying no. I explained this to some people at church saying not to ask to certain youth events but they still went ahead and of course she said yes even though she felt miserable! I felt I had to be honest and explain to them why she wouldn't be attending.

My church has also take to doing quiz evening/ social events pretty much monthly now I work full time and do not have the capacity or the money to attend all of these. If I were you I would keep enjoying church and God in your own way and eventually people will back off when a new person comes along.

Billie-S

paulineb wrote: »

I dont think there is much dealing to be done really. Im sure you made a post a few months back about people being quite negative towards you but in this instance, all you need to say is, I dont have time to volunteer and also if people make comments like long time no see, just need to let it go in one ear and out the other.

How involved you get is completely up to you and thats as it should be.

Thanks Pauline. That's how I feel, but they keep asking. And as I said, it's putting me off going to Church. It does seem that they believe that as I don't work right now, I have nothing to do!

My last post similar to this was about the over-zealous women in the women's group, but this is about people trying to get me involved in things, when I really just want to go to Church every few weeks.

Skippycat

I don't think you are being mean or selfish at all. You shouldn't feel bad that after all this time that you finally have a bit of time to yourself. I think you will just have to be firm with people and just smile and say that unfortunately you can't commit to X as you don't have time or already have something planned. If they start pushing for further info just keep it very vague. You shouldn't feel obliged or bullied into accounting for every hour of your week to people who are really just acquaintances. Enjoy the free time for however long it lasts and don't feel guilty about it for one minute!