A wee quandary again re the people at the Church

Billie-S

poet123 wrote: »

I see where you are coming from, and see nothing wrong with doing as much or as little as you want to. Maybe you made the mistake of telling them about all this free time? If so, perhaps they think you need stuff to fill your time? If you haven't done that I might be inclined to invent ties that prevent you from getting too involved, a friend in need of support etc. Or you could just tell them what you have said here; that you are enjoying a bit of time having no ties and being spontaneous and so don't want to get too involved.

Hi Poet. Well no I have never said I have lots of free time. They just assume I do (I think,) because I said I don't work right now.

But I could take some of your suggestions on board. Thank you.

loopylouc

If you don't feel comfortable then don't go, try another church. I do go to church, but I wouldn't have felt put out if someone had said long time no see. Sometimes people can have been in church but because at the end of the service I've been chatting to other people they might not have seen me. Why not just reply with yes I've been to see my daughters at uni and then moved the conversation on if you wanted to.
As to asking you to join events, I'm sure they are just trying to include you, there have been previous posts complaining that people have joined groups or churches and haven't felt welcome and that only the select few get asked to help with events. If you don't want to join in that's fine but I don't think that they are in the wrong for asking you.

Billie-S

loopylouc wrote: »

If you don't feel comfortable then don't go, try another church. I do go to church, but I wouldn't have felt put out if someone had said long time no see. Sometimes people can have been in church but because at the end of the service I've been chatting to other people they might not have seen me. Why not just reply with yes I've been to see my daughters at uni and then moved the conversation on if you wanted to.
As to asking you to join events, I'm sure they are just trying to include you, there have been previous posts complaining that people have joined groups or churches and haven't felt welcome and that only the select few get asked to help with events. If you don't want to join in that's fine but I don't think that they are in the wrong for asking you.

I get what you're saying, but it's the fact that they KEEP asking, despite me declining or not attending things they have mentioned.

I have never given any hint that I want to do anything else outside going to Church every 3 weeks, or that I 'need' the company or my time filling.

tomtontom

Sorry OP, you are coming across as a tad neurotic. These ladies have been kind enough to invite you to their groups, and you make out that they are being passive aggressive and ganging up on you! Have you not considered that they are just trying to make you feel welcome? They are not compelling you to do anything, simply giving you options should you wish to join in. My suggestion? Calm down and stop reading into something that is not there.

poet123

Billie-S wrote: »

I get what you're saying, but it's the fact that they KEEP asking, despite me declining or not attending things they have mentioned.

I have never given any hint that I want to do anything else outside going to Church every 3 weeks, or that I 'need' the company or my time filling.

Perhaps they think you are shy and refuse even though really you would like to go? I think your best bet is to just mention you have lots going on in your life and leave it at that. Then they will feel they have done their bit and not think you are home alone crying into your beer(wine/water) every night. If they still ask, just smile and say busy, busy, I wouldn't let it stop you from going if you enjoy it otherwise.

freyamae

paulineb wrote: »

Some people just like to be involved in other peoples lives, full stop, not just a church thing I expect.

I think this is very true my mum goes to a local WI which she enjoys but some of the ladies live for WI I guess where ever you go you get people who think its all or nothing! Its never intentionally pushy just seems like they cant see others point of view I guess.

Good luck whichever way things take you

Nicki

I think that you either need to try a few churches and pick the one that best suits your own personality and situation OR you decide to go to the one at the end of the road because it is handy, in which case you are stuck with the way they do things! Sorry.

I am a church goer, and different churches do things different ways. I have certainly been to churches in the past where people are pleasant and friendly after the service but you can be anonymous if you wish and there is no pressure to get involved. I've also been to churches, like the one I currently attend, where there is more pressure to keep the flock together and involved and there is an expectation that people will attend every week and get involved in activities during the week as well (and in services and homegroups those who are there are encouraged to support fellow members of the church by inviting them along to things if they seem to be lonely or in need of friendship). If that approach drives you mad, as indeed it seems to, then the answer is to go somewhere more laid back not to try to stop an already established church group doing things the way they have always done because that approach suits some people who DO appreciate it and feel looked after and important.

There is a place for both kinds of churches, so as I say if the one you attend isn't right for you, the answer is surely to start attending one which is. Apart from anything else if your new church is 5 miles away it is much less likely you will be running into people on a daily basis as you go about your non church business so less likely all round that you will feel hassled

libra10

tomtontom wrote: »

Sorry OP, you are coming across as a tad neurotic. These ladies have been kind enough to invite you to their groups, and you make out that they are being passive aggressive and ganging up on you! Have you not considered that they are just trying to make you feel welcome? They are not compelling you to do anything, simply giving you options should you wish to join in. My suggestion? Calm down and stop reading into something that is not there.

But if they keep asking it makes you feel uncomfortable having to keep refusing. Billie-S doesn't want to go, she wants to do her own thing. We're not all into organised events and groups.

Surely by keep asking they are being insensitive, at least.

redpete

Billie-S wrote: »

... I don't understand why they ARE so 'over-enthusiastic' as you say, and they seem to expect everyone else to be the same!

For some people their church is a family, and one that they have chosen to be part of rather than just born into. An aspect of their commitment to their faith is to be committed to their local church (i.e to the body of people that make up the church). Maybe they should be more aware that others might not have this level of commitment but equally it is unfair to label them as 'over-enthusiastic', 'pushy' and 'over-zealous'.

paulineb wrote "Some people just like to be involved in other peoples lives, full stop, not just a church thing I expect." in a way that reads critically. For many people one of the important parts of being a member of a church is to become involved in others' lives - but this should of course be friendly, caring and supportive whilst being sensitive to those who are not comfortable with it or not ready for it yet.

You also write that the women's group "are pleasant, but the group involves basically talking about the bible, and Jesus, and singing a few songs. ". Jesus and the bible are at the core of what it means to be a Christian, and hence at the core of what being part of a church should be.

Have you been honest with them and said something like you are grateful for them inviting you to events but you are not ready for more commitment to the church than you have at the moment and you will get more involved as and when it is right for you?

I think that trying to involve you is better than the other extreme of being a clique that is difficult or impossible to break into unless you are the 'right kind of person'.

Brighton_belle

redpete wrote: »

For some people their church is a family, and one that they have chosen to be part of rather than just born into. An aspect of their commitment to their faith is to be committed to their local church (i.e to the body of people that make up the church). Maybe they should be more aware that others might not have this level of commitment but equally it is unfair to label them as 'over-enthusiastic', 'pushy' and 'over-zealous'.

You also write that the women's group "are pleasant, but the group involves basically talking about the bible, and Jesus, and singing a few songs. ". Jesus and the bible are at the core of what it means to be a Christian, and hence at the core of what being part of a church should be.

Have you been honest with them and said something like you are grateful for them inviting you to events but you are not ready for more commitment to the church than you have at the moment and you will get more involved as and when it is right for you?

I think that trying to involve you is better than the other extreme of being a clique that is difficult or impossible to break into unless you are the 'right kind of person'.

This^^^
In the type of church you have chosen to go to, they value inclusivity. Someone only coming every 3-4 weeks, they may feel, feels on the outside of things and is too shy to get more involved so they kindly ensure that your absence is noticed because they care and what you to feel valued.


I think you need to work of clear communication skills. You can say anything if it is said with a warm friendly smile. Tell then you would be very grateful not to be invited to other things at the mo and you find it too pressurising, but you enjoy going to church every free weeks. You'll need to say this every time someone different asks you to something.
Yes of course you are allowed to go only every 3 weeks, but it is unusual to a 'we're a family' type church.