Husbands friend on our sofa for five months - what would you have done?

dandelionclock30

itzmee wrote: »

So stop tip-toeing around him. Stop being so accommodating towards him, don't make it easy for him to take advantage. It is your house. Wake him up, open the curtains, get out the hoover, put on the washing - anything to get him off the sofa.

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I agree, just say you need to get up now as I have the housework to do. You would think any decent person would get up and go out.

Also if all his family live in Austrailia he could go there to live. My friend did this, hes gone initially for 2 years and is getting sponsored by his sister and is living with her initially.
Theres more employment opportunities there than here he says.

LeeLoo_2

Pollycat wrote: »

He may not have been the perfect house guest but the OP and her OH have never told him what their expectations are.

Seeing as we are not family we assumed it would be obvious to the guy that this is a very temporary solution. Obviously we assumed wrong and it was not as obvious as we thought given how many people here do not see it as obvious either.

dandelionclock30

Person_one wrote: »

There's no way in a million years I could live with myself if a friend of mine was trying to get into shelters and maybe even sleeping rough while I had a roof over my head and a sofa.

There's not as much help available as you seem to think for young healthy single men who end up homeless. They are the bottom of everybody's priority list.

I know its not easy putting him up for this long, but on the first night he's gone if you don't know whether he's even safe or not, will you be able to sleep?

Yes I would as I would know it wasnt my responsibility to house him, that he had done absolutley nothing to help himself find accomodation and that he would get a place in a shelter. A place in a shelter is better than nothing and there are places available in every town.
In fact I would prefer to go into a shelter myself and get some support than be putting on a family that didnt want me.

Mojisola

LeeLoo wrote: »

We made the mistake of saying he can stay as long as he needs and set no ‘house rules’ in the belief that someone we had known so long would make every effort to be ‘reasonable’.

I also said to him ‘I have been in this situation and it took me a year to get back on my feet so take as long as you need’.

It was partly just words, letting him know we were not upset that he was in our house.

LeeLoo wrote: »

Seeing as we are not family we assumed it would be obvious to the guy that this is a very temporary solution.

Obviously we assumed wrong and it was not as obvious as we thought given how many people here do not see it as obvious either.

Saying again that I wouldn't have behaved as he has done but been very grateful for a few weeks' stay while I made other arrangements but you actually said to him "take as long as you need" at least a couple of times!

Why should it have been "obvious" to him that you didn't really mean either of those things?

I've had problems with a relative in the past because, if I offer help or refuse help, I mean what I say whereas she will say no to help when she does really expect it.

We had a few misunderstandings where she did things for me after I'd said no to help and I didn't help her after she had said no. I now know how to translate her "no" as a "yes" and make to make it very clear when I really don't want her to something for me.

LeeLoo_2

Pollycat wrote: »

This is where you went wrong initially.

The guy is not a mind-reader!


I think you may be feeling guilty because you - on your own admission - don't do a lot of housework.

This guy doesn't seem to be able to do right for doing wrong.
You complain he doesn't do anything then complain he's thrown a chicken carcass out that you wanted to use to make stock from.

Again - the guy isn't a mind reader.

And Shock! Horror!
He put the cutlery away in the wrong drawer.
Hanging offence if I ever heard one.

No wonder he doesn't do anything.

You probably complained about the length of the grass being 1 mm shorter than you would have cut it.

He appears to be trying to give you some space but you find it 'creepy' that he spends time in the shed and then complain that you have no real privacy because he could walk in at any time.
Errr excuse me?
You invited the guy to stay.

I can sympathise with some of your issues but I think you and this guy could have lived together much more harmoniously - and with less impact on your finances - by laying down some fundamental ground rules.
I'm really surprised that you didn't foresee the difficulties that you are now experiencing.



What you would do is obviously not the same as this guy is doing.

That may well be because women tend to see things differently to men.
I'd be interested to hear if your OH would do what you say you would do.
The things that you say you would do may not even have occurred to him.
It's all well and good expecting someone to do something - but have you asked him outright to do any of the things on the list above?

No ground rules = the issues you're having now.

Further comments to your points in red:

@ Pollycat

We did not explain because we thought it was obvious
2. We have just been bottling it all up and avoiding the elephant in the room
3. We wouldn’t take advantage like that and did not think a friend would
4. We again assumed that he would suggest what he could afford, especially after it passed a few weeks. We felt very awkward talking about money.
5. He’s been here five months and we have given him two weeks.
6. We have not discussed what will happen when the deadline passes.

OH talked to him because we thought if I did it, it might seem like ‘the shrewish wife is kicking him out’ and we wanted to make it clear it is a joint decision. OH decided to do it alone because he is the one with a relationship with him and we did not want him to feel ganged up on with both of us there.

Jox

Good luck, I hope he moves out and you can get your family life back.

emweaver

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Also theres various nightshelters he can go to in . These places have workers who can help with more permanent accomodation.

Really he should have been out everyday trying to find somewhere elce to live.

You have been decent to him and hes got choices now about going to these places and asking for help. I know theres a lot of homelessness generally, but theres still a lot of help for people as well.

I think its a lesson to be learned really about guests and boundaries. Also where are his family? why can he go to them?

Maybe in your part of the country but I can assure you there are no such shelters here not even in the nearest citys which are still over an hour by bus.

If there is a lot of help why is there so much homelessness?

Pollycat

LeeLoo wrote: »

@ Pollycat

We did not explain because we thought it was obvious
2. We have just been bottling it all up and avoiding the elephant in the room
3. We wouldn’t take advantage like that and did not think a friend would
4. We again assumed that he would suggest what he could afford, especially after it passed a few weeks. We felt very awkward talking about money.
5. He’s been here five months and we have given him two weeks.
6. We have not discussed what will happen when the deadline passes.

OH talked to him because we thought if I did it, it might seem like ‘the shrewish wife is kicking him out’ and we wanted to make it clear it is a joint decision. OH decided to do it alone because he is the one with a relationship with him and we did not want him to feel ganged up on with both of us there.

I'm sure by now you are very clear that what seemed to be obvious to you would not be obvious to other people, especially when garlanded with the 'take as long as you like' message you gave him.

I suggest you and your OH have a chat pdq and decide what you are going to do at the end of this 2 weeks notice.

If it were me, I'd then immediately broach the subject with this guy and let him know that you indeed mean what you say.
Otherwise, you really do sound so ineffectual that I can see you posting again this time next year about a guy who's been living in your house for almost 18 months.

Apologies if you think that is harsh but I'm finding it hard to understand how you've let things get so far without doing anything about it.

emweaver

LeeLoo wrote: »

I would hope not! I was in my mothers house and not on a friends sofa in a tiny house and too ill to work! Totally different situations .

You forgot to mention he was too ill to work, do you not feel guilty making him homeless?

Infact if he is too ill to work how can he find a job?

victory

emweaver wrote: »

You forgot to mention he was too ill to work, do you not feel guilty making him homeless?

Infact if he is too ill to work how can he find a job?

Good point. What illness does he have? Will it be better in 2 weeks when his notice is up?