Husbands friend on our sofa for five months - what would you have done?

LeeLoo_2

Katgrit wrote: »

Maybe he's agreeing to avoid confrontation with YOU?

I don't think so. We have very good communication about most things in our relationship and often have differing opinions even on inportan things.

notanewuser

I feel sorry for the child, to be honest.

itzmee

LeeLoo wrote: »

It is quarter to eleven and I can't do things I wanted to in the living room because he is still asleep on the sofa.

So stop tip-toeing around him. Stop being so accommodating towards him, don't make it easy for him to take advantage. It is your house. Wake him up, open the curtains, get out the hoover, put on the washing - anything to get him off the sofa.

Person_one

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Also theres various nightshelters he can go to in . These places have workers who can help with more permanent accomodation.

Really he should have been out everyday trying to find somewhere elce to live.

You have been decent to him and hes got choices now about going to these places and asking for help. I know theres a lot of homelessness generally, but theres still a lot of help for people as well.

I think its a lesson to be learned really about guests and boundaries. Also where are his family? why can he go to them?

There's no way in a million years I could live with myself if a friend of mine was trying to get into shelters and maybe even sleeping rough while I had a roof over my head and a sofa.

There's not as much help available as you seem to think for young healthy single men who end up homeless. They are the bottom of everybody's priority list.

I know its not easy putting him up for this long, but on the first night he's gone if you don't know whether he's even safe or not, will you be able to sleep?

MrsE_2

LeeLoo wrote: »

I would hope not! I was in my mothers house and not on a friends sofa in a tiny house and too ill to work! Totally different situations .

You might hope not, but I suspect he thinks he has a year or so. People do hear what they want to.
A maximum end date should have been agreed before he moved in. But we all make mistakes.

Mojisola

LeeLoo wrote: »

The bottom line is that we assumed someone would be the same as us

I acknowledge every thing he does is now an irritation.

This is the problem - you happily gave him permission to live with you (and he probably kept that "up to a year" comment in his mind) expecting that he would be exactly like you.

When it didn't turn out that way, instead of saying something early, you've let it fester until he's suddenly been given two weeks' notice to get out.

All he's done really is be himself and taken you at your word and now he's out on his ear. He's probably very confused about what's happening.

I wouldn't have behaved as he has done but, if you haven't been discussing the problems with him, I feel rather sorry for him.

MrsE_2

Person_one wrote: »

There's no way in a million years I could live with myself if a friend of mine was trying to get into shelters and maybe even sleeping rough while I had a roof over my head and a sofa.

There's not as much help available as you seem to think for young healthy single men who end up homeless. They are the bottom of everybody's priority list.

Agreed, but while we can expect that sort of help from our close family, I wouldn't expect my friends to house me, nor would I be prepared to house them other than for a very short time in an emergency.

Pollycat

LeeLoo wrote: »

Thanks for your comments. The bottom line is that we assumed someone would be the same as us ie
*find any job to have some self respect and not be supported by friends who are not well off.
* knowing you are in a tiny family home with the bathroom in a bedroom make every effort to find somewhere else ASAP .
*knowing that you are not contributing financially make every effort to be helpful in the house .

Your OH has a lot of history with this guy.
Was it a reasonable assumption by both of you that he would be like you when staying in your house?

LeeLoo wrote: »

we realised that one persons idea of common sense is not Lili another's . As he is my husbands friend we agreed that he should be the one to talk to him but my oh could not bring hs elf to SSS he hates confrontation.

When did you realise this?
Did you sit down and discuss it with this guy as soon as it started to irritate you?

LeeLoo wrote: »

As he is my husbands friend we agreed that he should be the one to talk to him but my oh could not bring hs elf to SSS he hates confrontation.

So who spoke to him?
Did you have the conversation with him together?
i.e. so that he knew it was a joint agreement between you and your OH?

LeeLoo wrote: »

He does washing up which is his only contribution and I acknowledge every thing he does is now an irritation.

I guess you didn't sit down and discuss his shortcomings as soon as they started to bother you otherwise they wouldn't have become such an irritation.

LeeLoo wrote: »

It is quarter to eleven and I can't do things I wanted to in the living room because he is still asleep on the sofa.

So, even after you've given him 2 weeks notice, he's lazing on your sofa?
If you want him up off the sofa and gone in 2 weeks, I suggest a bucket of cold water.
If you don't want a mess, try a loud-hailer in his ear.

TBH, no wonder he's taking advantage of you, you don't exactly seem to be doing anything particularly positive to get him to move.
How much of the 2 weeks is remaining?
Have you even asked him how his search for alternative accommodation is going?

Pollycat

MrsE wrote: »

You might hope not, but I suspect he thinks he has a year or so. People do hear what they want to.

People certainly do hear what they want to , especially if they are told this:

LeeLoo wrote: »

We made the mistake of saying he can stay as long as he needs and set no ‘house rules’ in the belief that someone we had known so long would make every effort to be ‘reasonable’. I also said to him ‘I have been in this situation and it took me a year to get back on my feet so take as long as you need’.

Surely it couldn't have been clearer to this guy that there was no rush for him to find somewhere else to live.

Mojisola wrote: »

All he's done really is be himself and taken you at your word and now he's out on his ear. He's probably very confused about what's happening.

I wouldn't have behaved as he has done but, if you haven't been discussing the problems with him, I feel rather sorry for him.

I feel a little sorry for him too.
He may not have been the perfect house guest but the OP and her OH have never told him what their expectations are.

moneyistooshorttomention

Yep...two weeks is short notice...but I can sympathise with the OP's position that its obvious to her (and to most of the rest of us) that the house is simply too small for anyone to stay for longer than a few days and she expected this friend to realise this. Truth to tell...I would have expected someone else to realise this in that position as well and to take appropriate action of trying rather harder to get themselves sorted out.

The friend should certainly have realised that OP might have developed "our" cultural expectations (ie no chance of using the fact of being a man to expect to get let off doing a fair share of the housework) and not have assumed he could get away with abiding by a different set that would have given him an excuse not to do so. The friend should have checked which set of expectations were appropriate, rather than just assuming he had a "let off" from helping out.

I can understand OP blowing her top though. I know that sometimes even a small thing can be a "last straw" if someone has been "taking the Michael". For instance, when I had a friend to stay one time (admitted one I didn't know that well) I soon realised that she was sneaking crafty fags in my (non-smoking and she knew it in advance) home and a last straw was noticing that (even though I was in the room at the time and might have spotted it - and did!) she spilt a bit of a cup of coffee on herself and had just flicked it onto my pale carpet (ie rather than dealing with it appropriately). That coffee spill was the last straw in my case, as the smoking in a non-smokers house denoted weak will and irresponsibility, but the flicking of coffee onto my carpet showed a total lack of concern for my home and myself.

She moved out soon afterwards.