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Husbands friend on our sofa for five months - what would you have done?
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LeeLoo_2
Posts: 100 Forumite
Just a rant. Largely our fault due to poor communication of our expectations.
Background
My husband has a close friend with whom he went to school. They shared a bachelor flat before we were married and he was a groomsman at our wedding five years ago.
My husband’s friend, we’ll call him ‘John’ came to the end of his tenancy and was made redundant a few days before he was due to move into the new flat. Without an employers reference the new flat would not take him and the old flat had new tenants. He phoned to ask if my husband would act as guarantor until he found a new job. We were not comfortable with this as we could not afford to take the hit if he did not pay his rent so we said as an alternative to come and stay on our sofa ‘while he sorts something out’.
Our house
We live in a tiny Victorian terrace as tenants. When we first moved in I had to get rid of one of our sofas as there is only room in the living room for a three-seater and the telly. We have a tiny galley kitchen, when two people are in it gets crowded. There is a small downstairs toilet. Our child is in one bedroom and we are in the other and due to layout the only bathroom is in our bedroom (ensuite).
We made the mistake of saying he can stay as long as he needs and set no ‘house rules’ in the belief that someone we had known so long would make every effort to be ‘reasonable’. I also said to him ‘I have been in this situation and it took me a year to get back on my feet so take as long as you need’. It was partly just words, letting him know we were not upset that he was in our house. Also , I am from a country without a welfare state and several years ago when I lost my job and suffered from ill health I had to go back to my parents house until I could get back on my feet. I am not very familiar with the UK benefits system and had no idea what (if anything) he is entitled to.
In his defence
1. He is not messy, he has put all his things into storage and just has a bag he lives out of.
2. All he eats is cereal and he buys it and the milk himself. Seriously. That is all he eats. I suppose he also gets takeaways or whatever but does not have them here. (When we cook a meal, including Sunday dinner we make some for him too and he will have it.)
He does his own laundry and has bought some washing powder, butter, bin bags & toilet roll.
Complaint 1.
He does all the washing up but nothing else around the house. We are from a very ‘traditional’ society where the men are expected to go out to work and not do any housework whereas the women are expected to keep a spotless house. Our house is very messy. I work 45 hours a week with a two hour daily commute. On weekends I just veg out. The little one has dinner at the childminders during the week so my husband and I often just have whatever scraps we can find and I only cook full meals about three times a week. My husband does his own ironing. It may just be in my mind but I have detected a ‘disapproval’ that I am not doing my womanly duty and ‘looking after the family’. I think he feels that by washing up ‘he has done his bit’because he did not eat part of the meals that produced the dirty dishes. He has never offered to help with anything else, not taking out the bins, nothing. We asked him to cut the grass which was overgrown and it took a couple of weeks for him to get round to it and we had to ask him twice.
Complaint 2.
Little annoyances
• When we get home from work he goes out into the garden shed until we turn off the lights in the house. I suppose it is an attempt to give us privacy but I find it a bit creepy/odd. And there is no real privacy because he can come in at any time.
• We normally only turn on the heating in the morning when we are getting up then around 6pm for when we get home. He started turning it on whenever he got cold and he is home all day. We had to say ‘the heating is not coming on until October’.
• Minor irritations e.g. throwing away a chicken carcass when I normally make stock out of it (trying to be helpful), cutlery put away in the wrong place.
• On Saturdays as a treat we normally buy a takeaway. The first few times we included him to be polite but we have just ended up either going out or not having it because there is a big difference between two large portions, which we share between the two of us and the little one, and three portions. It was very awkward when we ordered fish and chips once for the family only and I ended up eating it in my room (stinking the place up).
• Quite a big annoyance really; during the summer holidays our child goes to various grandparents. Even though we are at work we get to have some child free ‘alone time’. This summer we did not get that.
Complaint 3 .
Taking the mick.
If I were in the situation I would
1. Make every effort to find ANY kind of work to get out of people’s hair.
2. Knowing that they are in a small place make every effort to find somewhere else to live
3. Find out what benefits, housing allowance I would be entitled to, if any.
4. Offer to make dinner or at least buy a frozen pizza so people can have something to eat after a 12 hour day working instead of starting to cook.
5. Be as helpful as possible around the house, offer to do anything you can see needs doing and ask for anything that you can do.
6. Wash the dishes and push the hoover around and change the bins at least.
7. Knowing that you are in the living room which is also, the exit to the house, be awake at least by the time that people are getting up and ready for work. On the weekend he will wake up at 11 in the morning as ‘he is a night owl’ and he stays up till the early hours.
8. Knowing there is a school aged child on whom they spend a lot on childcare offer to
o Walk the child to school (5 minutes away)
o Pick them up
o Help with homework/ reading
I feel he is taking the Michael in that
1. A grown man in his mid-late thirties should have savings. As such he should either not be in that situation or at least offer a token amount to help out with food at least.
2. Why would you stay so long with people who are not family? Would you not feel ashamed and do your best to leave???
3. He only wants a job that uses his degree and will not do anything ‘beneath him’. I also have a degree but am in a clerical role TO PAY THE BILLS and have done work including, cleaning and factory work to support the family. I work in the office in a factory but has not asked once if there are any jobs going on the factory floor. He has gone for a few interviews but no job yet.
4. He smokes (outside) so he has at least a few pounds to give.
We are all in our ‘mid to late thirties’.
We have now asked him to leave and gave him two weeks to make arrangements. It has been FIVE MONTHS
I am counting down the days and have decided that we will not have anyone else in our home who is not family who does not have a fixed departure date. If we find someone living with our family we will impose a set of rules. It is not very friendly but better than feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
Background
My husband has a close friend with whom he went to school. They shared a bachelor flat before we were married and he was a groomsman at our wedding five years ago.
My husband’s friend, we’ll call him ‘John’ came to the end of his tenancy and was made redundant a few days before he was due to move into the new flat. Without an employers reference the new flat would not take him and the old flat had new tenants. He phoned to ask if my husband would act as guarantor until he found a new job. We were not comfortable with this as we could not afford to take the hit if he did not pay his rent so we said as an alternative to come and stay on our sofa ‘while he sorts something out’.
Our house
We live in a tiny Victorian terrace as tenants. When we first moved in I had to get rid of one of our sofas as there is only room in the living room for a three-seater and the telly. We have a tiny galley kitchen, when two people are in it gets crowded. There is a small downstairs toilet. Our child is in one bedroom and we are in the other and due to layout the only bathroom is in our bedroom (ensuite).
We made the mistake of saying he can stay as long as he needs and set no ‘house rules’ in the belief that someone we had known so long would make every effort to be ‘reasonable’. I also said to him ‘I have been in this situation and it took me a year to get back on my feet so take as long as you need’. It was partly just words, letting him know we were not upset that he was in our house. Also , I am from a country without a welfare state and several years ago when I lost my job and suffered from ill health I had to go back to my parents house until I could get back on my feet. I am not very familiar with the UK benefits system and had no idea what (if anything) he is entitled to.
In his defence
1. He is not messy, he has put all his things into storage and just has a bag he lives out of.
2. All he eats is cereal and he buys it and the milk himself. Seriously. That is all he eats. I suppose he also gets takeaways or whatever but does not have them here. (When we cook a meal, including Sunday dinner we make some for him too and he will have it.)
He does his own laundry and has bought some washing powder, butter, bin bags & toilet roll.
Complaint 1.
He does all the washing up but nothing else around the house. We are from a very ‘traditional’ society where the men are expected to go out to work and not do any housework whereas the women are expected to keep a spotless house. Our house is very messy. I work 45 hours a week with a two hour daily commute. On weekends I just veg out. The little one has dinner at the childminders during the week so my husband and I often just have whatever scraps we can find and I only cook full meals about three times a week. My husband does his own ironing. It may just be in my mind but I have detected a ‘disapproval’ that I am not doing my womanly duty and ‘looking after the family’. I think he feels that by washing up ‘he has done his bit’because he did not eat part of the meals that produced the dirty dishes. He has never offered to help with anything else, not taking out the bins, nothing. We asked him to cut the grass which was overgrown and it took a couple of weeks for him to get round to it and we had to ask him twice.
Complaint 2.
Little annoyances
• When we get home from work he goes out into the garden shed until we turn off the lights in the house. I suppose it is an attempt to give us privacy but I find it a bit creepy/odd. And there is no real privacy because he can come in at any time.
• We normally only turn on the heating in the morning when we are getting up then around 6pm for when we get home. He started turning it on whenever he got cold and he is home all day. We had to say ‘the heating is not coming on until October’.
• Minor irritations e.g. throwing away a chicken carcass when I normally make stock out of it (trying to be helpful), cutlery put away in the wrong place.
• On Saturdays as a treat we normally buy a takeaway. The first few times we included him to be polite but we have just ended up either going out or not having it because there is a big difference between two large portions, which we share between the two of us and the little one, and three portions. It was very awkward when we ordered fish and chips once for the family only and I ended up eating it in my room (stinking the place up).
• Quite a big annoyance really; during the summer holidays our child goes to various grandparents. Even though we are at work we get to have some child free ‘alone time’. This summer we did not get that.
Complaint 3 .
Taking the mick.
If I were in the situation I would
1. Make every effort to find ANY kind of work to get out of people’s hair.
2. Knowing that they are in a small place make every effort to find somewhere else to live
3. Find out what benefits, housing allowance I would be entitled to, if any.
4. Offer to make dinner or at least buy a frozen pizza so people can have something to eat after a 12 hour day working instead of starting to cook.
5. Be as helpful as possible around the house, offer to do anything you can see needs doing and ask for anything that you can do.
6. Wash the dishes and push the hoover around and change the bins at least.
7. Knowing that you are in the living room which is also, the exit to the house, be awake at least by the time that people are getting up and ready for work. On the weekend he will wake up at 11 in the morning as ‘he is a night owl’ and he stays up till the early hours.
8. Knowing there is a school aged child on whom they spend a lot on childcare offer to
o Walk the child to school (5 minutes away)
o Pick them up
o Help with homework/ reading
I feel he is taking the Michael in that
1. A grown man in his mid-late thirties should have savings. As such he should either not be in that situation or at least offer a token amount to help out with food at least.
2. Why would you stay so long with people who are not family? Would you not feel ashamed and do your best to leave???
3. He only wants a job that uses his degree and will not do anything ‘beneath him’. I also have a degree but am in a clerical role TO PAY THE BILLS and have done work including, cleaning and factory work to support the family. I work in the office in a factory but has not asked once if there are any jobs going on the factory floor. He has gone for a few interviews but no job yet.
4. He smokes (outside) so he has at least a few pounds to give.
We are all in our ‘mid to late thirties’.
We have now asked him to leave and gave him two weeks to make arrangements. It has been FIVE MONTHS
I am counting down the days and have decided that we will not have anyone else in our home who is not family who does not have a fixed departure date. If we find someone living with our family we will impose a set of rules. It is not very friendly but better than feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
0
Comments
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Sit down and talk to him, say it's been 5 months and we're wondering what your plans are?
If you don't mind him staying longer then say, stay but we'd like you to help with x y and z, if you do mind, ask that they start looking in to what they're entitled to and whether they could move somewhere elseYes Your Dukeiness
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Stick to your guns and make sure he moves out on the last day. Give him the address and phone number of the homeless team at your local council and tell him to go there.
I would'nt waste anymore time thinking about him or worrying about him.Hes going and thats it.0 -
Yeah. We've got a friend of my partner staying at the moment. We've got a spare room so not too bad, and we asked for a contribution to bills and have agreed the date he's moving out. Also, he was housesitting while we were away so that was reassuring. However, looking forward to him moving out!0
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If you all come from the 'traditional society' you state, why are you expecting him to behave like a woman? Regardless of showing gratitude.
If you want him to behave in a particular way/do certain things, tell him! That way, he won't think he's doing plenty and you won't be resenful of how little he does.
However, if having a conversation is all too difficult for you then accept what you get and smile sweetly. I have 'my ways' and anyone who stays in my home, whilst being most welcome, is made aware of them.0 -
I'd have started an affair with him and it would make this thread a whole lot more interesting.0
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5 months is a long time.
May be it is just me but if my only bathroom was ensuite then I would not have any guests staying over!This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
Thanks. We have told him, I am counting down the days and I like the suggestion of information on the council's homeless team. @Bazey ... sounds like you've been watching daytime movies :-)0
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He's leaving in two weeks. You have put up with him for 5 months, so two more weeks won't kill you. Cook a nice meal on his last day, and wish him well. I'm sure you will all be the best of friends once he is out from under your feet.
What would I have done? I'd not have said stay as long as you like in my tiny house with my child and no appropriate bathroom facilities. I'd have said, "You are welcome to stay for a week of two, but we really don't have the space." Perhaps it would have focused his mind into finding a job."On behalf of teachers, I'd like to dedicate this award to Michael Gove and I mean dedicate in the Anglo Saxon sense which means insert roughly into the anus of." My hero, Mr Steer.0 -
If you all come from the 'traditional society' you state, why are you expecting him to behave like a woman? Regardless of showing gratitude.
Well that's the older generation really, I suppose I'm just looking for reasons for his behaviour.If you want him to behave in a particular way/do certain things, tell him! That way, he won't think he's doing plenty and you won't be resenful of how little he does.
...
I have 'my ways' and anyone who stays in my home, whilst being most welcome, is made aware of them.
Hindsight is 20-20. We see that we should have done that and established rules from the beginning. It is difficult to shift goalposts after someone has been here for a while.0 -
This is obviously really getting on your wick and I agree he is taking the P!
If I were you I'd sit him down and tell him the house is just too small and it's putting pressure on your relationship with your OH.
Maybe make up a white lie about a family member coming to stay too.
Offer to point him in the direction on the housing unit and write him a letter saying that you need him to leave by a certain date. This will encourage them to find him something.0
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