Husbands friend on our sofa for five months - what would you have done?

Pollycat

LeeLoo wrote: »

We made the mistake of saying he can stay as long as he needs and set no ‘house rules’ in the belief that someone we had known so long would make every effort to be ‘reasonable’. I also said to him ‘I have been in this situation and it took me a year to get back on my feet so take as long as you need’. It was partly just words, letting him know we were not upset that he was in our house.

This is where you went wrong initially.

The guy is not a mind-reader!

LeeLoo wrote: »

It may just be in my mind but I have detected a ‘disapproval’ that I am not doing my womanly duty and ‘looking after the family’.

I think you may be feeling guilty because you - on your own admission - don't do a lot of housework.

This guy doesn't seem to be able to do right for doing wrong.
You complain he doesn't do anything then complain he's thrown a chicken carcass out that you wanted to use to make stock from.

Again - the guy isn't a mind reader.

And Shock! Horror!
He put the cutlery away in the wrong drawer.
Hanging offence if I ever heard one.

No wonder he doesn't do anything.

You probably complained about the length of the grass being 1 mm shorter than you would have cut it.

He appears to be trying to give you some space but you find it 'creepy' that he spends time in the shed and then complain that you have no real privacy because he could walk in at any time.
Errr excuse me?
You invited the guy to stay.

I can sympathise with some of your issues but I think you and this guy could have lived together much more harmoniously - and with less impact on your finances - by laying down some fundamental ground rules.
I'm really surprised that you didn't foresee the difficulties that you are now experiencing.

LeeLoo wrote: »

If I were in the situation I would
1. Make every effort to find ANY kind of work to get out of people’s hair.
2. Knowing that they are in a small place make every effort to find somewhere else to live
3. Find out what benefits, housing allowance I would be entitled to, if any.
4. Offer to make dinner or at least buy a frozen pizza so people can have something to eat after a 12 hour day working instead of starting to cook.
5. Be as helpful as possible around the house, offer to do anything you can see needs doing and ask for anything that you can do.
6. Wash the dishes and push the hoover around and change the bins at least.
7. Knowing that you are in the living room which is also, the exit to the house, be awake at least by the time that people are getting up and ready for work. On the weekend he will wake up at 11 in the morning as ‘he is a night owl’ and he stays up till the early hours.
8. Knowing there is a school aged child on whom they spend a lot on childcare offer to
o Walk the child to school (5 minutes away)
o Pick them up
o Help with homework/ reading

What you would do is obviously not the same as this guy is doing.

That may well be because women tend to see things differently to men.
I'd be interested to hear if your OH would do what you say you would do.
The things that you say you would do may not even have occurred to him.
It's all well and good expecting someone to do something - but have you asked him outright to do any of the things on the list above?

No ground rules = the issues you're having now.

Further comments to your points in red:

LeeLoo wrote: »

I feel he is taking the Michael in that
1. A grown man in his mid-late thirties should have savings. As such he should either not be in that situation or at least offer a token amount to help out with food at least.
I agree. Why didn't you explain what you expected of him when you told him 'to take as long as he needed to'?

2. Why would you stay so long with people who are not family?
Would you not feel ashamed and do your best to leave??
What did he say when you asked him this?
You did ask him, didn't you?

3. He only wants a job that uses his degree and will not do anything ‘beneath him’. I also have a degree but am in a clerical role TO PAY THE BILLS and have done work including, cleaning and factory work to support the family. I work in the office in a factory but has not asked once if there are any jobs going on the factory floor. He has gone for a few interviews but no job yet.
Of course he's holding out for a job he thinks is worthy of him.
You've extended an open invitation for him to stay.

4. He smokes (outside) so he has at least a few pounds to give.
Have you asked him to contribute to the household finances?
That'll be a 'no' then.

We are all in our ‘mid to late thirties’.

We have now asked him to leave and gave him two weeks to make arrangements. It has been FIVE MONTHS
I'm confused.
Did you give him 2 weeks to find somewhere else and he's still there 4-and-a-half months after the 2 week deadline?
Or has he been with you for 5 months and you have just given him a 2 week deadline to move out?

I am counting down the days and have decided that we will not have anyone else in our home who is not family who does not have a fixed departure date. If we find someone living with our family we will impose a set of rules. It is not very friendly but better than feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
Are you and your OH prepared for what you will do if - at the end of the deadline (which is not, as some other posters said) a great deal of time to find alternative accommodation) - he says he can't find anywhere to live?

dandelionclock30

Also theres various nightshelters he can go to in . These places have workers who can help with more permanent accomodation.

Really he should have been out everyday trying to find somewhere elce to live.

You have been decent to him and hes got choices now about going to these places and asking for help. I know theres a lot of homelessness generally, but theres still a lot of help for people as well.

I think its a lesson to be learned really about guests and boundaries. Also where are his family? why can he go to them?

LeeLoo_2

MrsE wrote: »

In your OP you said you said to him you've been in this position & it took you a year to get back on your feet.
Right there, he's heard that he can stay a year if need be.
It certainly sounds like that too me.
That's why he's in no rush!

I would hope not! I was in my mothers house and not on a friends sofa in a tiny house and too ill to work! Totally different situations .

LeeLoo_2

thorsoak wrote: »

Have you actually said any of these things to him? Or, if you haven't - has your husband spoken to him in these terms? Asked him what he intends to do long-term, as your long-terms do not include him!

Yes, my husband spoke to him and told him he needs to leave in two weeks.

LeeLoo_2

yvonne13 wrote: »

So he has no job but seems to be claiming dole from your house.....He can afford to pay the storage fees for five months which can be expensive, are you sure he's not claiming housing benefit and keeping the money?

As its been five months, I would contact the council and find out where you stand with claiming housing benefit/rent from him.

P.s letting someone stay with you for a bit is fine but when it hit the 6 weeks mark, a chat should have took place.

I would hope not. When my OH spoke to him he said her did not know if he was entitled to any benefits. It would be a betrayal if he has been claiming all this time and not even offered a sausage .

LeeLoo_2

Pollycat wrote: »

I would be very interested to hear your OH's opinion on everything you have written in this thread - especially those things you attribute to 'us' and 'we'.

We are on the same page and he says he agrees . He says he does not like confrontation e.g. About helping in the house because it would affect their friendship. I pointed out that that ship had sailed due to the friend not having any consideration about the inconvenience he was causing us. He has asked him to leave.

LeeLoo_2

Pollycat wrote: »

This is where you went wrong initially.

The guy is not a mind-reader!


I think you may be feeling guilty because you - on your own admission - don't do a lot of housework.

This guy doesn't seem to be able to do right for doing wrong.
You complain he doesn't do anything then complain he's thrown a chicken carcass out that you wanted to use to make stock from.

Again - the guy isn't a mind reader.

And Shock! Horror!
He put the cutlery away in the wrong drawer.
Hanging offence if I ever heard one.

No wonder he doesn't do anything.

You probably complained about the length of the grass being 1 mm shorter than you would have cut it.

He appears to be trying to give you some space but you find it 'creepy' that he spends time in the shed and then complain that you have no real privacy because he could walk in at any time.
Errr excuse me?
You invited the guy to stay.

I can sympathise with some of your issues but I think you and this guy could have lived together much more harmoniously - and with less impact on your finances - by laying down some fundamental ground rules.
I'm really surprised that you didn't foresee the difficulties that you are now experiencing.



What you would do is obviously not the same as this guy is doing.

That may well be because women tend to see things differently to men.
I'd be interested to hear if your OH would do what you say you would do.
The things that you say you would do may not even have occurred to him.
It's all well and good expecting someone to do something - but have you asked him outright to do any of the things on the list above?

No ground rules = the issues you're having now.

Further comments to your points in red:

Thanks for your comments. The bottom line is that we assumed someone would be the same as us ie
*find any job to have some self respect and not be supported by friends who are not well off.
* knowing you are in a tiny family home with the bathroom in a bedroom make every effort to find somewhere else ASAP .
*knowing that you are not contributing financially make every effort to be helpful in the house .

we realised that one persons idea of common sense is not Lili another's . As he is my husbands friend we agreed that he should be the one to talk to him but my oh could not bring hs elf to SSS he hates confrontation.

He does washing up which is his only contribution and I acknowledge every thing he does is now an irritation. It is quarter to eleven and I can't do things I wanted to in the living room because he is still asleep on the sofa.

LeeLoo_2

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I think its a lesson to be learned really about guests and boundaries. Also where are his family? why can he go to them?

I agree. You can't assume people hunk the same way as him. His sister and her family moved to Australia and their parents followed to be close to the grand kids. He has no other family.

LeeLoo_2

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I think its a lesson to be learned really about guests and boundaries. Also where are his family? why can he go to them?

I agree. You can't assume people think the same way as you do. His sister and her family moved to Australia and their parents followed to be close to the grand kids. He has no other family.

Katgrit

LeeLoo wrote: »

We are on the same page and he says he agrees . He says he does not like confrontation

Maybe he's agreeing to avoid confrontation with YOU?