Husbands friend on our sofa for five months - what would you have done?

dandelionclock30

I think shes saying she was too ill to work.

Yeah In my city there are various places homeless people can go for help.Various agencies work in conjuction with these places and private landlords etc. Obviously there is a lot of hidden homeless like the OPs person.

Theres still a lot of homelessness for a variety of different reasons. Obviously provision doesnt always meet demand but also some people cant cope with tenancies and they break down time after time etc.Also theres people with drug/ alcohol problems/mental health problems etc.
Even when people do get a place and have a support worker to help them they can still end up getting evicted.So even provision doesnt always have the desired outcome.
Also some people will not engage with services at all and prefer to sleeep in various different places such as mates houses, in bins, bushes etc.
The homelessness problem is more complex than there just not been enough affordable housing. Its a revolving door problem. However a lot of people do get sorted out with places from starting off in hostels etc.
All councils do have a duty to do a homeless assessment on people and to help them. So even if you dont know of a shelter in your town there most likley will be emergency accomodation of some kind.

LeeLoo_2

victory wrote: »

Good point. What illness does he have? Will it be better in 2 weeks when his notice is up?

I was ill when I was unemployed.

jinty271

I feel sorry for the lodger who has been told to take as long as he needs, and yet now has a very tight timescale to get the hell out.

You have given him very mixed messages.

You say that he does not contribute financially, and yet, he buys all his own cereal ( in your own words, this is all he eats) and he does some chores, allbeit not up to your standards.

Not forgetting that, as groomsman, this is perhaps your husband's oldest, most loyal friend?

It sounds to me that you had hoped that by manipulating this poor chap's unfortunate circumstances, whilst appearing altruistic, he would become your Mrs Doubtfire who would solve all your problems with your messy house and your haphazard meal times.

The fact that he sits outside in a shed, for want of intruding, and yet this still is not good enough for you, makes me feel sad for him.


I hope he finds somewhere suitable, and quickly, but more for him, than for you.

random1980s

is he good looking? if so, sleep with him, then I bet your husband gets rid of him VERY quickly :-)

LeeLoo_2

Wow, your comments are quite harsh

jinty271 wrote: »

I feel sorry for the lodger

That's the thing. A lodger would pay, and you would take them in if you had room for them. We do not, We can not all sit in the living room at the same time, the bathroom is in our room the kitchen is tiny.

jinty271 wrote: »

told to take as long as he needs, and yet now has a very tight timescale to get the hell out.
.

I suppose no good deed goes unpunished. I wanted him to understand that we had all been through tough times and that it can take a while to get sorted. If I phoned my work to say I need some time off to sort out a broken boiler and my boss said 'take as long as you need' I would understand that to mean 'within the bounds of what is reasonable. If I came back to them four weeks later saying that's how long it took me to sort it out they would say I was having a laugh.

jinty271 wrote: »

You have given him very mixed messages.

I am realising that on this forum. In my mind it was clear as day. Yes, we are happy to help you out, but don't take the mick. You can see it is not a suitable place for you to stay for more than a few days so don't take advantagte of the generosity being offered.

jinty271 wrote: »

Not forgetting that, as groomsman, this is perhaps your husband's oldest, most loyal friend?

He was one of the groomsmen but not the best man. We thought that as a good friend he would be well aware that his presence would be disruptive to family life and he would make every effort to sort something out.

jinty271 wrote: »

It sounds to me that you had hoped that by manipulating this poor chap's unfortunate circumstances, whilst appearing altruistic, he would become your Mrs Doubtfire who would solve all your problems with your messy house and your haphazard meal times..

When I visit a friend's house for dinner I always take some wine or dessert. I offer to help and offer to wash up even if the offer is not taken up. If I visit somewhere for a few days I try to make myself useful and offer to help. My mistake was expecting such common manners to be universal.

If I found myself on a friends sofa, the very next working day I would go down to the job centre and make an appointment to ask about housing & any jobseekers allowance or anything, I would visit my local Citizens advice bureau and make an appointment for advice. I would go online for advice,

I do not want a Mrs Doubtfire. I just expected someone would have the common courtesy to make themselves useful seeing as they were not offering any money to stay and nothing else.

jinty271 wrote: »

You say that he does not contribute financially, and yet, he buys all his own cereal ( in your own words, this is all he eats) and he does some chores, allbeit not up to your standards.
.

He eats about three meals a week with us. The absolute only thing he does is washing up. We once asked if he could mow the lawn and it took a couple of weeks to get round to it. He does nothing else. Does not change the bins he helps fill. nothing. He does not use up food but there are extra costs now that the heating is on all day when we are at work. There are extra costs for extra hot water, washing machine and dryer use. The first month here he used up our internet allowance downloading movies and my husband had to ask him to stop.

jinty271 wrote: »

The fact that he sits outside in a shed, for want of intruding, and yet this still is not good enough for you, makes me feel sad for him.

.

If he realises he is intruding the solution is to find a place to live. This is one of the smallest houses I have ever seen. There is not even a bathroom for him to use without being in our bedroom first. We are not his parents. He is not our teenaged child. He is 35 years old and needs to get his act together.

random1980s

so you haven't ruled out my idea then?

LeeLoo_2

random1980s wrote: »

so you haven't ruled out my idea then?

Not my type...

emweaver

I don't see why he should help out with housework when you don't do any yourself. The fact he washes up YOUR dirty dishes sounds like he does more than you.

He doesn't eat your food and sits out in a shed in this cold weather to please you.

You should never have told him to stay as long as he needs if you did not mean in.I think the least you could do is give a month as opposed to 2 weeks.

LeeLoo_2

emweaver wrote: »

I don't see why he should help out with housework when you don't do any yourself. I do do basic housework. hoover, scrub toilets etc, It is just not a show home and there are lots of toys and paperwork.
The fact he washes up YOUR dirty dishes sounds like he does more than you.
The washing up is mainly from cooking, and when I cook he does eat and cups of tea.

He doesn't eat your food and sits out in a shed in this cold weather to please you.
I was just pointing out in his mitigation that he does not raid the fridge. He joins in family meals when we cook. We never told him to go into the shed. He simply say there is no physical space for him to be in the living area when we are there and that is the solution he came up with (instead of moving out,
You should never have told him to stay as long as he needs if you did not mean in.I think the least you could do is give a month as opposed to 2 weeks.
Yes, we are awful people for telling him to stay as long as he NEEDS. So selfish for having someone who is not family for five months. So selfish to expect a man of 35 to see that it is unreasonable to be on the sofa of a tiny family home for five months without being told. So selfish as to expect at least something in return and for being upset when we don't even get a thank you.

Please see response in red.

Jox

Leeloo, it's your home and your life and your choice who to live with, the lesson to learn is that if anyone stays in future is to set boundaries and timescales so you aren't in this situation again.

A couple of weeks is one thing and 5 months is another, especially when you don't have a spare bedroom.

You don't have to justify yourself to strangers who have no idea how things are for you. I can sympathise having been in that situation.

Why is it that the people with the least, offer so much to others, I'm sure he knows someone with a spare room who wouldn't dream of putting him up.

If someone wants a job they will find one, when a person is sleeping on a sofa how can they be so picky about employment? When my brother in law stayed on my sofa for years at least he gave me money every month and that was why I put up with it for so long. Plus he is family.