Husbands friend on our sofa for five months - what would you have done?

LeeLoo_2

The bottom line is that we assumed we were all on the same page i.e. he would find any job and move out at the earliest opportunity but we were obviously not. I still feel he should have OFFERED to help and that to anyone with a modicum of common sense would realise staying here more than a few days is not reasonable. We were too cowardly to confront him. The situation festered and we have asked him to leave.

LeeLoo_2

yvonne13 wrote: »

OP I don't even know why you asked him to stay in the first place.

Because he is my husbands friend and turned up to his new flat and found he could not move in.

Mojisola

LeeLoo wrote: »

The bottom line is that we assumed we were all on the same page i.e. he would find any job and move out at the earliest opportunity but we were obviously not. I still feel he should have OFFERED to help and that to anyone with a modicum of common sense would realise staying here more than a few days is not reasonable. We were too cowardly to confront him. The situation festered and we have asked him to leave.

LeeLoo wrote: »

Because he is my husbands friend and turned up to his new flat and found he could not move in.

All of which means you are good people - and good people usually assume that others will have their same high standards.

Am I wrong in thinking that you are feeling guilty about giving him his marching orders and that you want to justify your decision by thinking of him as bad? You don't need to justify your decision - you've given him a helping hand when he needed it and he hasn't made the best use of the breathing space that allowed to find work and somewhere else to live.

Don't worry about the fact you've asked him to leave - pat yourselves on the back because you took him in and let him stay for so long.

yvonne13_2

LeeLoo wrote: »

Because he is my husbands friend and turned up to his new flat and found he could not move in.

You must suffer from amnesia as you originally said he needed references, not that he went to the flat and couldn't move in.

Georgiegirl256

yvonne13 wrote: »

You must suffer from amnesia as you originally said he needed references, not that he went to the flat and couldn't move in.

Did you even read the OP? It clearly states the reason why the OP and her husband took him in.

Pollycat

LeeLoo wrote: »

DH has spoken to him and he says he will go. If the two weeks pass I will speak to him myself.

I can't help feeling - as you are clearly desperate for this guy to leave (and I can fully understand why you feel like that, although your act of kindness has backfired through your assumptions of what would happen) - that you are not being proactive enough about this.

I would want to know what he has done so far about finding somewhere else and what he intends to do when the 2 week deadline arrives.

From what you've posted, he's been very lack-a-daisical about looking for a job, do you think he's putting more effort into finding somewhere else to live?

What will you say to him if he's still in your house after the 2 weeks has passed?
If you don't intend to enforce your deadline and say 'Sorry, you have to move out today' won't you be giving him the wrong message again?

I would be wary of doing that as you're so desperate for your own space back.

Mojisola

Pollycat wrote: »

I can't help feeling - as you are clearly desperate for this guy to leave (and I can fully understand why you feel like that, although your act of kindness has backfired through your assumptions of what would happen) - that you are not being proactive enough about this.

I would want to know what he has done so far about finding somewhere else and what he intends to do when the 2 week deadline arrives.

I would want an update as well.

As LeeLoo and her husband have been so accommodating over the last five months, he may not have taken them seriously. I'd be asking every other day whether he's found somewhere to live, how the job hunting was going, whether he'd signed up for JSA, etc.

Pollycat

I think the OP has found herself in this unenviable situation because she and her OH have made assumptions about this guy, based on what they would have done if invited to stay with someone who was doing them a favour in a time of need.

The OP may think that the issuing of a deadline will have the desired result (probably because she would move out when asked) but I'm not so convinced that this guy will see it the same way.

The only way to be sure is to ask him when he's moving out.

Clutterfree

Mojisola wrote: »

All of which means you are good people - and good people usually assume that others will have their same high standards.

Am I wrong in thinking that you are feeling guilty about giving him his marching orders and that you want to justify your decision by thinking of him as bad? You don't need to justify your decision - you've given him a helping hand when he needed it and he hasn't made the best use of the breathing space that allowed to find work and somewhere else to live.

Don't worry about the fact you've asked him to leave - pat yourselves on the back because you took him in and let him stay for so long.

Thank you, a voice of reason.
I am shocked at some of the comments aimed at the OP.
She did a generous thing and he took advantage.
I hope he does the right thing and moves out without a fuss.
Good luck.

Pollycat

Clutterfree wrote: »

Thank you, a voice of reason.
I am shocked at some of the comments aimed at the OP.
She did a generous thing and he took advantage.
I hope he does the right thing and moves out without a fuss.
Good luck.

You mean a post that agrees with your point of view. :cool:

The poster you quoted has said in earlier posts - like others whom you obviously think aren't 'voices of reason' - that the OP has made assumptions - lots of them - about how this arrangement would work out.

Mojisola wrote: »

Now you're just getting silly!

The root of the problem is that you said he could stay as long as he needed to and didn't set any ground rules but expected him to read your mind as to what you think is reasonable behaviour.

Five months of resentment have built up until you see him as a bad person. Accept that the problem was created by you in the first place and then exacerbated by not raising the issues with him after week 1, 2, 3, etc.

If you had make your expectations clear, you wouldn't be in this situation.

The more you try to put all the blame on him, the angrier you sound. It's just one of life's learning experiences - give yourself a kick for not setting out house rules and for not dealing with the issue months ago - and then let it go.

He isn't a bad man because he behaves differently to how you would behave if you were in his shoes!

I don't think anyone thinks that the OP and her OH haven't been more than generous in their treatment of this guy.

But those voices of 'unreason' have said, quite truthfully, imho, that the OP could have dealt with things better from Day 1 by setting out their expectations before he moved in and later on, when it became obvious that he wasn't behaving as they had expected by sitting down and explaining what they expected of him.
And I think she could be dealing with this 2 week deadline better by asking him where he is with finding alternative accommodation instead of sitting back and waiting.