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Husbands friend on our sofa for five months - what would you have done?
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He has misinterpreted 'as long as you need' to mean 'as long as I like'. Is he trying hard to get a job or do you think living rent free has disinsentivised him? Have you and DH spoken to him yet OP?:j Trytryagain FLYLADY - SAYE £700 each month Premium Bonds £713 Mortgage Was £100,000@20/6/08 now zilch 21/4/15:beer: WTL - 52 (I'll do it 4 MUM)0
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shop-to-drop wrote: »He has misinterpreted 'as long as you need' to mean 'as long as I like'. Is he trying hard to get a job or do you think living rent free has disinsentivised him? Have you and DH spoken to him yet OP?
That's probably exactly it. He has not even asked me if there is any work going where I am (factory) but has asked DH at his City job.
DH has spoken to him and he says he will go. If the two weeks pass I will speak to him myself.0 -
If he's not claiming JSA then I suspect any savings he may have had set aside when he first moved in with you have been spent on five month's worth of storage charges.
Your indignation about his lack of ownership over taking a share of housework or the length of his stay is something you have brought on yourselves by not being absolutely clear about what you expected of him. You've had five months to address this and you've done nothing except to get all resentful about it behind his back. The poor sod exists on cereal and sits out in the shed to give you space! And now you're going to kick him out on the street in two weeks with nowhere to live and no money to do it with. Nice friends you are.
You're desperately trying to portray yourself as the poor victim here but the only one I see is the one who you're going to make homeless.0 -
BitterAndTwisted wrote: »If he's not claiming JSA then I suspect any savings he may have had set aside when he first moved in with you have been spent on five month's worth of storage charges.
Your indignation about his lack of ownership over taking a share of housework or the length of his stay is something you have brought on yourselves by not being absolutely clear about what you expected of him. You've had five months to address this and you've done nothing except to get all resentful about it behind his back. The poor sod exists on cereal and sits out in the shed to give you space! And now you're going to kick him out on the street in two weeks with nowhere to live and no money to do it with. Nice friends you are.
You're desperately trying to portray yourself as the poor victim here but the only one I see is the one who you're going to make homeless.
Yes, you are right. We are very selfish to have let him stay on our sofa for five months.
Yes he is starving. Every time we have a cooked dinner or a roast he shares with us and there are no leftovers for the usual sandwiches, stews and stir fry we would normally have as work lunches and meals the next day, how selfish of us.
It was completely unreasonable of us to have expected someone to see that being in our bedroom every morning, and our not being able to curl up on the sofa with weekend or evening telly is rather inconveniencing and does not lend itself to a long term arrangement.
It was wrong of us to have had expectations that a grown man with no disabilities would think to push around a hoover on occasion over the period of five months.
We should not get fed up at a man on our sofa being picky about the kind of work he wants.
We are terrible, terrible people.0 -
BitterAndTwisted wrote: »If he's not claiming JSA then I suspect any savings he may have had set aside when he first moved in with you have been spent on five month's worth of storage charges.
He has always rented furnished flats and has no furniture to put in storage, just clothes and personal items. I enquired about storage charges recently for some items of my own (about enough to fill a phone box) and was quoted £60 per month.0 -
Yes, you are right. We are very selfish to have let him stay on our sofa for five months.
Yes he is starving. Every time we have a cooked dinner or a roast he shares with us and there are no leftovers for the usual sandwiches, stews and stir fry we would normally have as work lunches and meals the next day, how selfish of us.
It was completely unreasonable of us to have expected someone to see that being in our bedroom every morning, and our not being able to curl up on the sofa with weekend or evening telly is rather inconveniencing and does not lend itself to a long term arrangement.
It was wrong of us to have had expectations that a grown man with no disabilities would think to push around a hoover on occasion over the period of five months.
We should not get fed up at a man on our sofa being picky about the kind of work he wants.
We are terrible, terrible people.
Now you're just getting silly!
The root of the problem is that you said he could stay as long as he needed to and didn't set any ground rules but expected him to read your mind as to what you think is reasonable behaviour.
Five months of resentment have built up until you see him as a bad person. Accept that the problem was created by you in the first place and then exacerbated by not raising the issues with him after week 1, 2, 3, etc.
If you had make your expectations clear, you wouldn't be in this situation.
The more you try to put all the blame on him, the angrier you sound. It's just one of life's learning experiences - give yourself a kick for not setting out house rules and for not dealing with the issue months ago - and then let it go.
He isn't a bad man because he behaves differently to how you would behave if you were in his shoes!0 -
Now you're just getting silly!
The root of the problem is that you said he could stay as long as he needed to and didn't set any ground rules but expected him to read your mind as to what you think is reasonable behaviour.
Five months of resentment have built up until you see him as a bad person.
...
Accept that the problem was created by you in the first place and then exacerbated by not raising the issues with him after week 1, 2, 3, etc.
If you had make your expectations clear, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Yes, I agree that with hindsight we should have set clear rules and timescales. Yes, we are annoyed at having him in our (tiny) space for so long. We have tiptoed around the issue because it is so akward, but have now addressed it.Accept that the problem was created by you in the first place.
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He isn't a bad man because he behaves differently to how you would behave if you were in his shoes!
Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that
*You would think it is OK to stay for five months in a tiny family house where the only bathroom is in a bedroom and the only place to sleep is the sofa in a tiny living area.
* You would not lift a finger for five months or even offer to help
?0 -
Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that
*You would think it is OK to stay for five months in a tiny family house where the only bathroom is in a bedroom and the only place to sleep is the sofa in a tiny living area.
* You would not lift a finger for five months or even offer to help?
Absolutely not, as I've already said earlier in the thread, but I do know people who wouldn't do anything unless it was specifically asked of them. Some wouldn't see the need to do anything; others would be anxious at seeing as interfering in the house or, by doing things, implying that your cleaning wasn't up to standard.
Their beliefs are their beliefs and they run their lives on the basis of them. It's no good expecting that everyone else will have the same way of living as you do.
If you stayed with someone and did clean up and she reacted badly because she always liked to do things a certain way, would she be in the wrong or would you in the wrong or would it just be a case of different people having different ideas - like you and your house guest?0 -
Ok, you didn't set boundaries. Fair enough - we all wish we had the benefit of hindsight.
I think you've been amazing.i couldn't have done it....not without proper facilities ...a proper bedroom and bathroom.
I once took my sons girlfriend in .....she never did anything either.
Then they found she was pregnant.
Nightmare!
I'll help anyone ...but don't take advantage of me!0 -
OP I don't even know why you asked him to stay in the first place.It's better to regret something I did do than to regret something that I didn’t. :EasterBun0
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