Teenagers :(

thorsoak

Seanymph wrote: »

Rather than dragging her about and pushing 'education' have you explored her options with her, empowering her to make her own decision.

My eldest took a huge swerve at the end of A Levels - her sister did half way through, and my step son has just left engineering and gone to catering college!

In every case they were doing what was 'expected' but not what they wanted to do.

Now is a good time to treat your daughter as a young adult. Tell her it doesn't matter, there are limitless options for her, and you'll support her whatever she wants to do.

Many in my girls sixth from college had dropped a year to do something else, or retake, there are all sorts of courses at colleges, there are apprenticeships, there is travel, nannying, au pair........

she can do anything she fancies now. As long as you give her the strength to do it.

She's frightened.

She isn't handling it right, of course not, and hitting someone is never acceptable - but bless her it's all come down round her ears and she doesn't know what she wants.

Have you asked her?

Bless her? Bless her???? She needs to take a step back and realise just how lucky she is to have been given this opportunity of staying in education! A couple of generations ago she would have been set to work at 14 - and not just for 15 hours a week ...more likely 15 hours a day!

Let her stew for a couple of days, make sure that she apologises to her brother - and to you and her father for swearing at you - then take her back to school so that she can talk over her options with her 6th form tutors.

kelpie35

I do feel for you Patty. It is so difficult for all of you.

I can, to an extent, understand your DD's disappointment with her grades. If she wishes to act the way she has, to her brother and you and your OH then that is not acceptable.

You have to in some way get the message across to her, before she returns home, that nobody in the home is going to put up with that kind of behaviour.

If she is willing to apologise, sincerely, to her brother for hitting him and to you for how she has spoken to you, then and only then will she be welcome to return home.

At present she is acting as a victim and really needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions.

You, OH and son need to remain strong and let her see the error of her ways. You cannot afford to back down on this as it will give her the impression that this sort of behaviour is acceptable.

I hope for everyone's sake that this horrible situation can be solved ASAP.

marisco_2

How does your eleven year old feel about all that has been going on? Does he feel safe and okay about her returning home whilst she is so volatile and emotionally unstable. Considering what you know about how she views him, and what she has recently inflicted on him, he would be my main concern now if I were you. If he had any worries about it I think it would be completely justified to tell her to stay elsewhere, until she had completely calmed down and was willing to be civil and act her age. She comes across awfully in your post above which must be so distressing for you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

marisco wrote: »

How does your eleven year old feel about all that has been going on? Does he feel safe and okay about her returning home whilst she is so volatile and emotionally unstable. Considering what you know about how she views him, and what she has recently inflicted on him, he would be my main concern now if I were you. If he had any worries about it I think it would be completely justified to tell her to stay elsewhere, until she had completely calmed down and was willing to be civil and act her age. She comes across awfully in your post above which must be so distressing for you.

Just wondering - if he were to mention it to a teacher or the doctor - wouldn't that instantly become a Child Protection Issue?

CH27

Violence is completely unacceptable. You must be her understand that if she wants to continue to live with you.

How is your son feeling?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

**Patty** wrote: »

I'm sorry, i don't lie to my children.

She does not have limitless options.

She's 17 years old & after getting 3 D's & a C at AS level, thinks quitting & lying in bed half the day is a better life option than putting effort in & improving her chances with better grades or looking at other courses better suited to equipping her with skills to secure employment.

Yeah - perhaps she was just trying to work out what she was going to do about it? I know when I have a massive problem I retreat to my bed to figure it out.

marisco_2

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Just wondering - if he were to mention it to a teacher or the doctor - wouldn't that instantly become a Child Protection Issue?

It definitely would if he said that his mum or dad had done this. Concerns would be raised that another family member who is almost an adult had inflicted this assault on a minor. The school SENCO would decide how serious they thought this matter was, and whether any outside agencies would need to be involved.

That is why so many posters on here are suggesting contacting the police and sending a huge wake up call to this young woman how out of order her action was. Potentially there are huge repercussions from what she has done. Pu$$y footing round her so as not to damage her fragile ego is irresponsible. She needs to learn that lashing out and hurting a child has serious consequences.

LadyBones

I have one of these too Patty, my daughter is also 17, vile and abusive to her brothers aged 10 and 12 when she is not content, and now starting her second attempt at year 12 after no end of trouble.

In my experience there is always an excuse, with your daughter its the conflict over being a step child, with mine its been a number of things, but they're just excuses. I think the biggest issue for my daughter was really the fact that i did spoil her when she was the first and only child, and I stopped when the hoys came along.

I dont know if it helps but we had a discussion a few weeks back in which I said that because she is a child still and my daughter, tolerance, love and patience are hers by right. However the minute she turns 18 she's an adult and loses that privelege, and ANY abusiveness to any of us and she loses the right to her home and will be asked to leave. Thats only a few months away, so she better start practising now! She's been better since!

Good luck, its so hard isnt it!
x

victory

**Patty** wrote: »

Couple of things:

1. Yes i do know where she is.....she's at work.

2. Yes, calmly, I have asked her what she wants to do. She wants to *think about her options & then maybe she will look for a full-time job* ......maybe. I don't think maybe i will get a job is acceptable.

3. She doesn't want to do ANY college course. So talking about changing courses or changing directions is pointless.....she's not interested.

4. No she's not a loving & protective sister. Her excuse is that she can't stand him as he is *our* child whilst she is just *mine*.

5. Yes she has been spoilt. She used to be ranked in the top 6 in the uk for her sport. She's had all the support, coaching, lessons, trips & funding that comes as a package at that level of competition........yet it's not enough. We (me & the OH) should have given her more apparently.

No 4 is very upsetting, I do hope her brother is unaware of this, I'm thinking not so if she hit him, what else does she say/do to him? Do you ever put his first? Protect him? Leave them alone in a room?

By your own admission she has been spoilt. Has your son? Are they treated equally?

Loz01

Good lord these threads constantly shock me about teenagers :eek: I would never ever have dared speak to my mum like that! Still wouldn't and I'm 26!! She needs a serious reality check. Tell her if she's leaving full time education then the amount of rent will be x amount. If she doesn't like that, tell her to check the local rent rates. As for hitting an 11 year old...!! I'd be fuming raging. Poor boy