Teenagers :(

**Patty**

I have had 2 weeks of hell with my 17 year old.

It started when she didn't get the grades she thought she would get with her AS levels. She's at 6th form & they do AS after the first year, then drop 1 subject to do the remaining 3 at A level.

Since then, we've gone from a child who has wanted to go to Uni for the last 5 years.........to a young adult who now wants to walk away from 6th form as she sees no point in going back because she no longer wants to follow the Uni route......she doesn't want to go to college as she thinks a BTEC is a waste of time......and she thinks a 15 hour a week part-time job is sufficient & she might look for a full-time one.

She's abusive. Both myself & my husband (he's her step-dad but we've been together since she was 4) have been called names & told to eff off several times this week.........and this morning, she hit her younger brother (11) across the side of his face which has caused his eye to swell. (he already has muscle issues in that eye but at the moment the optician says it self-corrects)........and apparently, she did nothing. So she's lieing. It's not the first time shes hit him.

I feel as though she's self-destructing and there's nothing I can do.

Does it pass? Do i just ride it out? Where do i draw the line about the violence towards her younger brother?

fozziebeartoo

Zero tolerance regarding violence to her brother (or anyone else).

It's not acceptable.

End of.

As for the rest.....it DOES pass, pretty much, mostly, pretty much........my DD's are 21 and 23 now so I am hedging my bets on that one

**Patty** wrote: »

Does it pass? Do i just ride it out? Where do i draw the line about the violence towards her younger brother?

Mojisola

It sounds as if she's in free-fall because her plans have gone awry - but the swearing at parents and violence towards anyone is well past the line!

Artytarty

Yes,it does pass. Se is probably feeling very bitter at the world right now.
My own son was a moody nasty teenager who gave us lots of worry.
He is now a really great guy and I turn to him for advice and support only five years later.
I would try and talk your daughter out of throwing away her chance of further education though. She may well regret it.

GwylimT

Ah yes, the teenage stage, every nightmare stage is replaced with yet another nightmare stage! From the age of about 14-16 my son was horrible and had the worlds largest ego.

Well, if she is getting a job I assume she will be paying board?

What A-levels was she studying and what does she want to do at university, yes she is most likely disappointed, annoyed she didn't work hard enough and a bit embarrassed, but it wont stop her being able to go to university. Also, colleges don't just offer BTEC's.

Do you think some of this might also be embarrassment, if her grades are poor she will likely have to resit the year while her friends are in their second year. Yes, university will know she has resat, but if she does and she gets good grades she is showing that she can work hard and she can learn from her mistakes.

Send her down the job centre on Tuesday looking for jobs, lets see what she thinks then!

samtoby

Zero tolerance on hitting her brother.

Tell her what board you will be expecting if she does give up on Uni.

I would also explain how in life we do not always get things exactly as we want them and we have to work harder than we ever think we would have had to. If you quit every time something goes slightly off plan - where will one end up?

Do you feel she put everything into her 1st year of A Levels? was it genuine shock just out of interest?

BitterAndTwisted

I would tell her in the gentlest way I possibly could that a part-time job wouldn't be sufficient income towards the keep you will be charging her once she leaves full-time education.

Not getting the grades you expected at AS level isn't the end of the world but at that age it's pretty difficult to persuade them otherwise.

As to the assault of her sibling: that's zero tolerance if you want it to stop. I'd be formulating some really, really cruel punishment. Find something she values and take it away until she can prove that she can behave decently or it'll be a full-time job and a shared flat or bedsit.

zaxdog

Fascinated by this tolerance for "teenage" bad behaviour as my parents simply did not tolerate this kind of bad manners/abusive violence and it never occurred to me to be so disrespectful to the people who fed/clothed and loved me......

As of tomorrow she either starts to seriously look for a job or you drive her with a bin bag of clothes to the local hostel. That might buck her ideas up a bit and teach her to keep her fists to herself. At 17 a person with no mental health problems is capable of not assaulting a family member.

**Patty**

I've tried talking to her (both calmly & upset) about how important her education is........she's adamant she doesn't want it.
I fetched her a prospectus for college.........we went & spoke to some course tutors so she would understand she still has options.....and she refused to fill the application form in.:(

She refuses to go to the job centre. Apparently they don't have jobs in there (i did have to try not to laugh)........it just exists for polish & foreign people (her words). It's all done online these days........which i assume translated as *I'm going to surf the internet in bed all day & chuck a few applications together*

After a week of shouting & crying.....I did talk to her about board.....and the difference between board & rent........as i thought ground rules were appropriate. She's flounced out the door this morning after hitting the youngest........with the words that *she's never coming back to this sh1**ole*

thorsoak

Would you tolerate another teenager swearing AT you? Would you tolerate another teenager assaulting your younger son?

Then why do you tolerate this behaviour from your own daughter? Tell her that she is behaving like a spoilt brat and that such behaviour will not be tolerated - although you understand that she is disappointed in her results, she cannot expect to live in your home and behave in such a manner.

And that if she chooses to work just 15 hours a week, she will find it difficult to find another home.

thorsoak

Typed my post as you were posting! Do you know what her friends' plans are?