Teenagers :(

Dunroamin

Artytarty wrote: »

Patty, has she really left though? Are you not a bit worried that her pride may make her stay away now?
I'm one of the new breed of softie parent s, yes I had a tough mUm myself, who believes in always trying to keep the communication going and yes that does include to laying teenage behaviour in my book. It's very hard to be young in these times, the pressures are enormous.
Often ten anger we see is just affront for anxiety.

If your husband hit you because he was "anxious", would that be an excuse?

**Patty**

Treevo wrote: »

I hope you've taken her keys off her, OP. And removed her access to the Internet when you're not there to supervise her.

She doesn't get to stay in a nice warm house with all the creature comforts when you're not there. She can go to the library or the Job Centre.

I havn't yet......but luckily, the lock barrels are interchangeable on the front & rear doors.......and you can't get to the rear door from the front of the house. Her key only works in the front door

I have been known to turn the router off before.........:o

Brighton_belle

Artytarty wrote: »

It's very hard to be young in these times, the pressures are enormous.
Often ten anger we see is just affront for anxiety.

Is it really harder? When my mother was a teenager, it was the middle of WWII. Pretty tough time to be a teenager.
My own experience of the 70's/80's was pressured - no GCSE course work, just O' levels with everything resting on just the exams. No chance to resubmit work. Far fewer people had the opportunity to go to university and much less variety of choice in non uni courses. No internet as a resource to find out information on other options.

I agree the front of anger is often anxiety but to feel it's ok to casually assault someone smaller than them: time to get harsh.

Dunroamin

**Patty** wrote: »

As far as i know......her friends have done ok with their results & are returning to complete their courses.

I attempted discussing money/household budgets and the overnight impact of her leaving education would have on our tax credits. The answer i got to that one was *so you only want me to get your benefits*. Yes, we get tax credits....that's it. When her & the middle one leave education, they'll stop as OH earnings take us over the threshold.

Personally, I don't think that was the right approach and you got the reaction I would've expected.

Family finances aren't a child's concern and shouldn't affect their decision making - they just need to know that when they make an "adult" decision to leave education, then they need to contibute financially as an adult.

**Patty**

Artytarty wrote: »

Patty, has she really left though? Are you not a bit worried that her pride may make her stay away now?
I'm one of the new breed of softie parent s, yes I had a tough mUm myself, who believes in always trying to keep the communication going and yes that does include to laying teenage behaviour in my book. It's very hard to be young in these times, the pressures are enormous.
Often ten anger we see is just affront for anxiety.

I suspect she will swan off to her BF's house for the night. Probably until she thinks it's blown over.

I left home at 19 due to being a punchbag for my mother so I suspect I have over-compensated myself in order to not repeat the behaviour.

victory

**Patty** wrote: »

I havn't yet......but luckily, the lock barrels are interchangeable on the front & rear doors.......and you can't get to the rear door from the front of the house. Her key only works in the front door

I have been known to turn the router off before.........:o

We've all turned the router off before but that amount of violence, never, zero tolerance on the violence, stay calm, repeat as a mantra- DD will not get her own way, will not be violent to people in the house, will not be allowed to throw all her toys out of the pram and will have to change her attitude to be allowed back into the house:eek:

**Patty**

Dunroamin wrote: »

Personally, I don't think that was the right approach and you got the reaction I would've expected.

Family finances aren't a child's concern and shouldn't affect their decision making - they just need to know that when they make an "adult" decision to leave education, then they need to contibute financially as an adult.

I know that now.

Hindsight's fab

I did tell her I made a mistake in bringing that up though.
I suppose i wanted her to understand that her decision impacts on us all......not just her. Lesson learned though.

victory

**Patty** wrote: »

I suspect she will swan off to her BF's house for the night. Probably until she thinks it's blown over.

I left home at 19 due to being a punchbag for my mother so I suspect I have over-compensated myself in order to not repeat the behaviour.

And that is easy to do, guilt is a poweful thing, fear of being the same as your mum, having the same past down to your child, the worry of not being a perfect parent, the over compensating always seems to back fire though and the violence, screaming tantrums can never be tolerated, whatever the back story is...

GwylimT

No jobs in a job centre, I like that one! Well, if she can do it on the internet then surely she is paying to have access to the net? No, not paying, well then, better change the password on the router then.

marisco_2

**Patty** wrote: »

Since then, we've gone from a child who has wanted to go to Uni for the last 5 years.........to a young adult who now wants to walk away from 6th form as she sees no point in going back because she no longer wants to follow the Uni

I beg to differ that you have a young adult in the house. Your daughters reaction to not receiving the grades she was expecting are infantile. She has been wasting her time having a meltdown, being aggressive and abusive to those who love and want to support her and assaulting her sibling. It hasn't occurred to her to use some initiative and carefully consider all her options because you make life way to comfy and easy for her. She needs to learn fast that it is not what happens to you that determines how far you go in life, but how you handle what happens to you.

Teach her a very valuable life lesson and show her some very tough love. Explain to her in no uncertain terms, that she either knuckles down and decides on how to continue with her education, or she gets out and finds a full time job with which to support herself and pay you the going rate for board. If she refuses to consider doing either and continues to behave so vilely then bin bag her possessions and wish her luck with coping in the big wide world as you push her out the door. She wouldn't last five minutes with the huge chip she has on her shoulder. That is what my parents would have done if I had shown them such contempt, and I wouldn't have blamed them.