devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

Ballabriggs

Rocket queen - how are you doing this morning? Hope you managed to get some kind of sleep.

I've been thinking about your situation and I think there are questions that you need to answer in your own mind that might help you decide which way to go:

1. Beyond trying for a baby, what do I want for my life in the long term (next 10 years or so) ? (Secure relationship/job satisfaction/larger family/can be anything you want)

2. What qualities does my husband have good or bad that may enable or sabotage the life goals I've highlighted above.

3. What commitment is your husband willing to make to work on the bad qualities. We're talking action not words here, his words have no credibility right now so he has to take action ( phoning the other women whilst you are in the room to break it off, moving out for a while to respect your space, whatever you feel needs to be done to show a commitment to changing).

4. If your husband is only able to offer words not action then I'm afraid you have your answer and you know where you stand. At this point I'd be asking 'is this the life I wanted for myself'? Is this man worthy of my love, respect and trust? If you can't see a way of restoring these three things in your relationship then you are settling for second best. If you can live with that then that is your choice but I would ask myself do I want to bring a child into this situation?

I know other people have said don't leave the flat but tbh I think your sanity is worth more. If you can't get him to leave and you definitely can't change then locks ( that would be illegal if you don't own the property) then I would go and stay with your parents or a friend to at least give yourself some breathing space. If your name isn't on the deed or mortgage and you've only been married a year it is highly unlikely that you'd get anything from it anyway. Take with you anything valuable that you really want to keep. I've been in this position and believe me whilst everyone will say fight for money or a share, your own peace of mind and well being is far more important in the long run.

pinkshoes

Has one of you (preferably him!) moved out yet?

You are not going to get any resolution until you get space from him. You need time to think.

samtoby

I am so sorry for your situation how terrible. I can only imagine that churning feeling in your stomach when you read what you did.

Once trust is broken it is almost impossible to ever trust that person again. A relationship to me is tied together with a piece of cotton and as long as you maintain trust love and commitment the cotton stays in tact but as soon as you start to challenge any of these emotions the cotton starts to stretch and the more you do it - it may break.

If it breaks you can attach it back together but it will never be the same.

I know some people have had broken trust and stayed in with their partners but in light of what you have written I think you deserve better, you will always be thinking when his phone goes, or when your at work - is he really where he says he is?

rocketqueen

Still didn't manage to get any sleep really, woke myself up crying on several occasions.

At work now and partly it feels good to be out of the flat and have distraction and partly I'm now worried what my husband is up to - which is tad silly as even if I was at home, he'd be at work anyways.

Think the anger stage is coming, as last night I was thinking seriously about contacting the woman - don't think I will as want to hold my head high, but its getting fairly tempting and husbands apologies and looking upset isn't working on me now I just feel numb.

victory

rocketqueen wrote: »

Still didn't manage to get any sleep really, woke myself up crying on several occasions.

At work now and partly it feels good to be out of the flat and have distraction and partly I'm now worried what my husband is up to - which is tad silly as even if I was at home, he'd be at work anyways.

Think the anger stage is coming, as last night I was thinking seriously about contacting the woman - don't think I will as want to hold my head high, but its getting fairly tempting and husbands apologies and looking upset isn't working on me now I just feel numb.

Sending you huge cyber hugs...what you are going through is unbelievable pain, you never expected this and now you have so many unanswered questions, you are bound to feel angry, shocked, even hate I would imagine, you have to get some sleep, eat something and talk to as many people about it as you can, here and in real life and get answers from your OH over and over until you are fully satisfied with what he replies and then make a decision from there, don't rush into anything, there is plenty of time, plenty of emotions to deal with first, you look after you, he comes a poor second

aileth

Don't contact the woman - she will laugh in your face and make you feel even more terrible.

I would, however, contact her husband. Give him the information you have found, leave him to make his own decision. They might have an open relationship and both of them go out screwing other married men/women, he might know about her indiscretions and lets her get on with it, or he might be in the same position as you and be utterly devastated and thankful you told him, and you two can console each other and work through it together as you're both going through the same thing.

paddy's_mum

Apple123 wrote: »

I've sent messages like that to a couple of other men at various points when I was feeling stressed out, grumpy and trapped. Like my life had been all planned out and there was no escape (even though I only feel like this 1% of the time.) It's the excitement, just a way to feel like you know you could still have someone else.

I think it was brave and very commendable of you, Apple123, to post this. I can see entirely how the part copied out in italics might have some bearing on Rocket Queen's situation. Perhaps her husband is of the my-ego-needs-stroking type.

However, what I cannot stomach and which, frankly, disgusts me is the fact that these two sat there GLORYING in their deceit and dishonesty.

I don't believe that this aspect of their cheating behaviour is based upon sexual titillation and excitement - rather it is based upon power .. power over their respective spouses and a belief too that the spouse is a doormat who somehow asks for and deserves all they get.

Most normal people would be repulsed by discovering that depth of contempt in another person. The fact that the OP's husband continued on his path to betrayal simply highlights to a painful degree what his own standards of morality actually are.

Rocket Queen - I realise that you are in shock and grief but it may be that in years to come, you look back and realise that this woman did you a favour by revealing some unpalatable but vital facts about your husband.

I sincerely hope that she and your husband get all that they so richly deserve.

Good luck.

HeadAboveWater

Thanks for posting this morning. Sorry to hear you didn't get much sleep, but hopefully work will be a welcome distraction for you for a few hours.

Don't eat yourself up about what he may or may not be doing when you're not there.

This time now is about YOU. Look after yourself please.

Your emotions will be going haywire at the minute, but just make sure you don't do anything rash. Allow yourself to feel these emotions. Write down what you're feeling in a notepad or something, and get it out of your head. It's a great way to sort your thoughts out. Once you're clearer in your mind, you can either read back at what you've written, or else just bin it.

I still would recommend either one of you do moves out for a few days. I can understand why you feel you can't ask him, but I would ask him first as he's the one in the wrong, but be ready for if/when he says no, and be prepared to stay with a friend or someone yourself just in case. But the sooner either of you do this, the better.

Stay strong

gt568

Horrible situation. At least you found out now rather than post child.

Treevo

I don't think the OP should listen to most of the posts on here telling her to kick him out, because, well she can't. It's his flat.

She shouldn't listen to the ones baying for his blood because she's the one who has to live with the consequences - not them.

Yes they are married, but he's pays for the flat and it's in his name. It's also a short marriage and it's nowhere near certain that the judge would consider the time spent together pre-marriage as part of the marriage when there are no children to consider. Also it's his flat - she can't kick him out, and she can't afford to pay for it herself.

In her position I would leave. But if she doesn't want to, that's fine. But she will have to realise that she won't be taking his money and living in the lifestyle she's become accustomed to as some on here suggest.