devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

rocketqueen

spirit wrote: »

How is he reacting to you rocketqueen when you get upset/wake in the night etc. Is he caring and apologetic or does he turn it around to be all 'woe is me' instead?

The answer will tell you a lot.

Well last night he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow (im unsure as to whether he knew I was SO upset) so he's having no problem sleeping it would seem. this just annoyed me further....he hasn't apologised since Monday and I swear to god he's just thinking that he's got away with it and all will be fine if he keeps his mouth shut and doesn't mention it.

I am going to stay with a work colleague after work tomorrow evening (not going tonight as want time to sort out what I might need for few days - which sounds like an excuse I know.) I don't know whether to tell him I'm going or just not come home.

His "not really caring" attitude has driven me to this decision. If it drives him into her arms then at least I have my definite answer....

paulineb_2

I dont think the fact that hes sleeping should be something thats held against him, some people sleep as soon as they hit the pillow, Im not one of them but some people are like that.

Also, if you dont tell him you are going, you risk being reported as a missing person.

Regardless of what hes done I think you should let him know you are leaving.

j.e.j.

paulineb wrote: »

Also, if you dont tell him you are going, you risk being reported as a missing person.

Regardless of what hes done I think you should let him know you are leaving.

An adult can go where they want! They don't have to report to anyone (especially an errant spouse) where they're going.

If he wants to ring the old Bill and tell them his wife, who's just found out he's cheating on her, has upped and left and he doesn't know where she's gone, I can imagine what their answer might be..

jellyhead

If you just don't come home, you could always send him a text message after an hour or so.

Mojisola

jellyhead wrote: »

If you just don't come home, you could always send him a text message after an hour or so.

I'd wait until he sent you a text to find out where you are and if you're alright.

tinkerbell28

rocketqueen wrote: »

Well last night he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow (im unsure as to whether he knew I was SO upset) so he's having no problem sleeping it would seem. this just annoyed me further....he hasn't apologised since Monday and I swear to god he's just thinking that he's got away with it and all will be fine if he keeps his mouth shut and doesn't mention it.

I am going to stay with a work colleague after work tomorrow evening (not going tonight as want time to sort out what I might need for few days - which sounds like an excuse I know.) I don't know whether to tell him I'm going or just not come home.

His "not really caring" attitude has driven me to this decision. If it drives him into her arms then at least I have my definite answer....

You have spot on the right attitude there, if you need space, take it. Don't let the possibility or fear of him running off to her, stop you getting space you feel you need.

Like you say, if he does, he would've anyway.

CustardAndPickles

j.e.j. wrote: »

If he wants to ring the old Bill and tell them his wife, who's just found out he's cheating on her, has upped and left and he doesn't know where she's gone, I can imagine what their answer might be..

They'll ask what her state of mind was, is she likely to be suicidal, does she have access to money etc etc. Given that the husband would say "well, she's just found out I had been having an affair" (if he was honest)...the police may very well feel that she is at risk and investigate. The first step would be calling her phone, so if she had it, and answered, that would be the end of it, but it is something to consider.

Buffythedebtslayer

Just wanted to send hugs. It is a devastating situation and it seems that many people (including me) have been through the horrible cold shock of betrayal.

I don't think I could bring myself to speak to him. Awful stupid man. God it makes me so angry. so bloody angry.

I am a great believer in instincts. When this happened to me I was wrecked. The world changed colour for me but it was a few days later - I got out of the shower and must have sat on my bed for about 40 minutes in a towel running over and over the situation and it became clear for me I couldn't tolerate it and cut all ties. I just knew. I was still wrecked and cried seemingly constantly when not at work. But I knew. solidly and it was a horrible painful sort of relief.

You will know Rocketqueen, trust your instincts and one day this time will be a memory and your life will be totally different.

Love and huge respect for how you have managed this so far

Buffy xx

swingaloo

I have been in your shoes and my advice would be to take time to think it through before you make any decision.

My ex husband had an affair when we had been married for 11 years. He had been working away and I found that he had bought the woman to our town during her holidays and a mutual friend was actually putting her up.

I found a letter from her, tackled him an he confessed all and even told me she was staying up the road.

I took our son to my husbands mums and asked her to look after him while I 'go to see your sons girlfriend'.

I went to see the woman and told her she was welcome to him. Told her she wouldn't like him so much when he started to knock her about, that he was up to his ears in debt, that she was the 4th one since we got married (not true) and that I appreciated her taking him off my hands. I had also taken a bag with his clothes in which I tipped all over the floor.

She was speechless. I then went home to find him a wreck in the kitchen, crying, begging forgiveness saying it had all been a mistake and it was really me he loved. He didn't even go to see the woman but had rung his friend to say he thought I was going to kill her. (Not bothered enough to go and defend her though!)

he then left the house and went to tell her it was all over, he was sorry but he wanted to stay with me and wanted her to go home. he told me he would never contact her again. he gave up his job so he would never have to go to her town again and as far as I know he kept to that. I made a hasty decision to let him stay for all the wrong reasons, family, our son, financial, feeling sorry for him etc.

BUT- even though he worked so hard for the rest of our married life (another 13 years) I could never feel the same about him and cant tell you how many times I regretted having a knee jerk reaction and forgiving him. I wasted a lot of my life with that man and dearly wish I had sent him packing with her.

Really think about what is best for you especially as you have not yet had a family. You have years ahead of you and don't have to compromise.

I have since divorced and met someone else but its too late for me to have children with him. I wish I could turn back the clock, I would have made a completely different decision if I had had more time to think about it.

RuthnJasper

rocketqueen wrote: »

Well last night he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow (im unsure as to whether he knew I was SO upset) so he's having no problem sleeping it would seem. this just annoyed me further....he hasn't apologised since Monday and I swear to god he's just thinking that he's got away with it and all will be fine if he keeps his mouth shut and doesn't mention it.

I am going to stay with a work colleague after work tomorrow evening (not going tonight as want time to sort out what I might need for few days - which sounds like an excuse I know.) I don't know whether to tell him I'm going or just not come home.

His "not really caring" attitude has driven me to this decision. If it drives him into her arms then at least I have my definite answer....

Ah, bless you. It's really a grieving process you're going through, I think. Disbelief, shock, numbness, anger - all various stages of grief as well as betrayal.

I'm so glad that you've got someone you can stay with. Being able to have a bit of breathing space and some physical distance between the scene of the unpleasant discovery can be really helpful. I hope that you can use the time to think about what you really want - but, even if you can't, it'd probably do you just as much good to have a good old chin-wag with your colleague and appreciate a change of scene! Just don't have too many sherberts and drunk-text OH with what you think about him...

I'm sorry to hear that he hasn't been pulling out all the stops to reassure you, apologise and confirm that he loves you. But no-one really knows how things sit between you and only you can decide to forgive or not.

Look after yourself sweetie - there's only one of you in the whole world and you are very special. x