devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

Mojisola

marisco wrote: »

I disagree. All this would achieve is to send a message to the husband just how hurt and angry the OP is. Something he should be able to clearly recognise and acknowledge without the need for any petty behaviour. It could instantly create a barrier to him feeling able to approach her and trying to talk things through together. So the vicious circle of being in limbo and not addressing things would just continue.

That's fine as well.

rocketqueen will make up her own mind about what's right for her to do after reading the different suggestions.

Valli

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Ah, bless you. It's really a grieving process you're going through, I think. Disbelief, shock, numbness, anger - all various stages of grief as well as betrayal.

This is exactly right; you're grieving for your lost marriage (or possibly lost) the lost future you had together - exactly what you would be feeling if your husband had died.

The difference is he hasn't died, so what's causing you problems here is hope. The hope that he might still love you and you might have a future together and this is what makes the decision so hard to make.

Time away, to grieve and to think and, most importantly, to put your own thoughts and feelings first is an excellent idea. Only you can decide if the boundaries you have (in your mind - the I could never forgive him if... sort) have been crossed and whether or not you can put this behind you and trust and respect him again.

It's a big ask - that's why I don't ever advise people IRL to rush into these decisions but to have some 'me-on-my-own' time to start to sift through the possibilities.

Astara

Take your time and don't be too influenced by other people. Have a look at Andrew Marshall's site and books such as How Can I Ever Trust You Again and Heal and Move On depending on what you decide to do. He is a marital therapist with a lot of experience in the issues you are facing and it will help you understand more of what is going on for you and what to do or not to do. He understands that couples can recover from this and create healthier, stronger relationships. Or you may decide to go it alone and decide to tackle your fears of people leaving you. So whatever you do get as much information and read about other people's experiences of dealing with these matters.

southoftheriver

rozmister wrote: »

When my ex used to fall asleep next to me while I cried in bed I used to accidentally knee him in the back!! Evil I know but it made me feel a lot better.

OP I think you're doing the right thing going to a friends. It doesn't sound like he's fighting for your marriage, perhaps he doesn't realise the seriousness of the situation but if he's not prepared to fight for you you shouldn't settle for that. xxx

I agree with your second paragraph but violence is never ok. If it were the other way round with a man kneeing his wife in the back after an argument people would be up in arms.

I really hope you're ok OP, thinking of you.

paulineb_2

Kneeing someone in the back to wake them up or hurt them because theyve hurt you might take away some of the hurt for a nano second, but it wont change whats done.

I dont think printing out the emails would help either, seriously theres a lot to be said for ending things if thats whats going to happen with your dignity intact.

rozmister

southoftheriver wrote: »

I agree with your second paragraph but violence is never ok. If it were the other way round with a man kneeing his wife in the back after an argument people would be up in arms.

I really hope you're ok OP, thinking of you.

I didn't used to knee him as hard as I could I used to knock him with my knee hard enough to disturb his sleep. Which paulineb is right, doesn't change what is done but it made me feel a damn sight better at the time and when it's 3am and you're crying feeling alone in bed while your boyfriend snores next to you after refusing to discuss your problems and ignoring your tears it's nice to feel better for a second even if it is at the expense of someone else.

paulineb_2

I have been cheated on in a long term relationship, twice that I know of and I was raging mad, theres no other way to describe the emotions. Upset, hurt, angry, mad. Like red mist kind of mad, particularly due to the lies I was told over a long period of time.

And also because my ex repeatedly referred to me as a "love cheat", during the time when he was sleeping with someone else, because I went for a drink with an ex boyfriend during that time, an ex boyfriend from way back who had done me some damage when we were together, him and his family both and 15 years later he bumped into my mum in the street to say sorry, so we met for a drink to talk. I didnt hide any of this from the partner I was with at the time, he lived 15 miles away and unbeknown to me, on that day I met up with my ex for a drink, my mum was there as well, my bf was in fact shagging someone else. But I got all his guilt projected onto me and I was the cheat (I wasnt).

My ex also kindly told me when the news of number 1 affair came out, (he told me when we were in Prague on holiday) that he had met another girl in a club, taken her out on a date (Im assuming it didnt go well as there wasnt a date two) and I asked him what he would have done that night if Id phoned wanting to go out. He said his priority would have been with her.

And I also got the news that he had spent rather a lot of money buying a work colleague a Valentines card, my birthday was the day before, I got nothing, not even a card, he wrote the card and posted it (a massive big deal for someone like him), I was going through a lot in my life at that time and that was what made me realise, get out and away from him.

Sometimes when a significant other doesnt sleep with someone, its still bad, because theyve put time and effort into making that connection with someone and its not with you.

I spent 7 years of my life with that !!!! and I did leave. But if I had kicked him in the balls I might have felt better for a second, it wouldnt have changed things and I know it wouldnt have made me feel better long term.

rozmister

paulineb wrote: »

I have been cheated on in a long term relationship, twice that I know of and I was raging mad, theres no other way to describe the emotions. Upset, hurt, angry, mad. Like red mist kind of mad, particularly due to the lies I was told over a long period of time.

And also because my ex repeatedly referred to me as a "love cheat", during the time when he was sleeping with someone else, because I went for a drink with an ex boyfriend during that time, an ex boyfriend from way back who had done me some damage when we were together, him and his family both and 15 years later he bumped into my mum in the street to say sorry, so we met for a drink to talk. I didnt hide any of this from the partner I was with at the time, he lived 15 miles away and unbeknown to me, on that day I met up with my ex for a drink, my mum was there as well, my bf was in fact shagging someone else. But I got all his guilt projected onto me and I was the cheat (I wasnt).

My ex also kindly told me when the news of number 1 affair came out, (he told me when we were in Prague on holiday) that he had met another girl in a club, taken her out on a date (Im assuming it didnt go well as there wasnt a date two) and I asked him what he would have done that night if Id phoned wanting to go out. He said his priority would have been with her.

And I also got the news that he had spent rather a lot of money buying a work colleague a Valentines card, my birthday was the day before, I got nothing, not even a card, he wrote the card and posted it (a massive big deal for someone like him), I was going through a lot in my life at that time and that was what made me realise, get out and away from him.

Sometimes when a significant other doesnt sleep with someone, its still bad, because theyve put time and effort into making that connection with someone and its not with you.

I spent 7 years of my life with that !!!! and I did leave. But if I had kicked him in the balls I might have felt better for a second, it wouldnt have changed things and I know it wouldnt have made me feel better long term.

The only way I can explain it is that during our break up and afterwards I felt insane. I know that's melodramatic but I felt like I'd fallen into the rabbit hole or something. I thought we were going to get engaged soon, we'd look at churches five months before and now everything was crumbling before my eyes.

I know it's not acceptable to knock someone awake with your knee in the night because you're cross but I just wanted him to open his eyes and see what was going on and I was desperate. Of course it achieved nothing but at the time I wasn't thinking rationally and calmly.

Other than one night where I got extremely drunk when we went to a gig with mutual friends (no drama just drunk) it was the only unacceptable thing I did during our break up. I never even raised my voice over the whole thing. Considering the amount of effort I made after we broke up to keep things civil and friendly all of which was thrown back in my face he got an easy ride.

aileth

Maybe I'm just malicious, but if I had a cheating OH, I would definitely kick them in the balls and years afterwards would think back to his face when my knee connected and smile.

Treevo

aileth wrote: »

Maybe I'm just malicious, but if I had a cheating OH, I would definitely kick them in the balls and years afterwards would think back to his face when my knee connected and smile.

So presumably you'd find the thought of a man beating his cheating wife to be every bit as pleasing?