devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

FBaby

Another one who doesn't think this is a good idea. All it will do is give him a reason to be angry and use this to lessen his feeling of guilt. If they are not communicating is because at this stage, both are avoiding it, OP's OH because he is scared it will prompt OP to leave, OP because she is scared it will prompt her to go. Until she actually goes or is confronted with no easy answers as a way out of it, he will remain quiet.

tinkerbell28

This is not mumsnet.

A horrible thing has happened to op, wrt cheating. It isn't a debate the wrongs of domestic violence thread.

I am sure op can figure out for herself what to do, without people throwing in off topic posts about things she hasn't even mentioned. It is a raw subject, it obviously brings up knee jerk reactions for people, some being serious, some not so.

marisco_2

rozmister wrote: »

When my ex used to fall asleep next to me while I cried in bed I used to accidentally knee him in the back!! Evil I know but it made me feel a lot better.

For how long did it make you feel better? Personally I would be disgusted with myself, if I allowed any situation in life to effect me to the point, where I justified that it was okay to hurt someone else on purpose. All you achieve by that is to show a total lack of self control and to lower yourself to the other persons level.

Lord knows my ex gave me plenty of reasons to feel humiliated and furious by his actions. To the degree where I struggled to be in the same room as him, let alone fall asleep next to him. I made a conscious decision that any expression of grief and anger at my situation would be handled away from him for two reasons. Firstly I refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he had hurt me and let me down. Secondly unlike him I walked away from everything with my dignity in tact and could still respect myself. It is important to be able to do that and makes moving on from a horrendous time in your life so much easier to cope with.

rozmister

marisco wrote: »

For how long did it make you feel better? Personally I would be disgusted with myself, if I allowed any situation in life to effect me to the point, where I justified that it was okay to hurt someone else on purpose. All you achieve by that is to show a total lack of self control and to lower yourself to the other persons level.

Lord knows my ex gave me plenty of reasons to feel humiliated and furious by his actions. To the degree where I struggled to be in the same room as him, let alone fall asleep next to him. I made a conscious decision that any expression of grief and anger at my situation would be handled away from him for two reasons. Firstly I refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he had hurt me and let me down. Secondly unlike him I walked away from everything with my dignity in tact and could still respect myself. It is important to be able to do that and makes moving on from a horrendous time in your life so much easier to cope with.

I'm glad you could be the bigger person. I have put in my previous post that at the time I felt like I was losing my mind and also that he didn't even notice it as it wasn't done with all my strength. It made me feel better at the time and considering the place I was in that was enough. Considering the way I conducted myself in comparison to him I still feel like the most dignified one of the two of us. But then I'm not the one who was caught trying it on with another girl outside our workplace less than 12 hours after asking for their ex back.

kitrat

rozmister wrote: »

My ex had always struggled with emotions and I think he just didn't have the skills and knowledge to understand. He struggled to communicate his own emotions and he couldn't always understand other people's. Now I can see he didn't mean to upset me further but at the time it made it worse!

As a side note I would like to point out that my acting on it was not a knee to the balls as is now being discussed just in case anyone did not see my original post. I kneed my then boyfriend in the back, not hard enough to cause a bruise or any injury, I was hoping he would wake up but he just stopped snoring for a bit. It did however bring me great satisfaction at the time which is wrong and mean.

And half of us would probably do it too. Honestly if only there were as many pious people in real life as there are on MSE, we wouldn't be having these awful threads in the first place!

marisco_2

kitrat wrote: »

Honestly if only there were as many pious people in real life as there are on MSE, we wouldn't be having these awful threads in the first place!

Pious refers to anything practised under the pretext of religion. Where on this thread has anyone done that?

tinkerbell28

marisco wrote: »

Pious refers to anything practised under the pretext of religion. Where on this thread has anyone done that?

It can also mean, sanctimonious in a sense. In the sense that I am holier then thou, so can take a moral high ground of virtue. Kinda thing. I saw how she meant it and I kind of agree. It has nothing to do with ops issue, grilling another poster on why she said what she did. Then telling her the wrongs of it.

kitrat

marisco wrote: »

Pious refers to anything practised under the pretext of religion. Where on this thread has anyone done that?

It's also often used colloquially for people who, in short, often adopt a 'higher than thou' attitude, which is the context in which I was using the term.

It's perfectly ok if you don't agree with my viewpoint but it's a little silly getting caught up on me not using the English language 100% literally, which we all do on a day to day basis, I think you'd admit.

kitrat

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

It can also mean, sanctimonious in a sense. In the sense that I am holier then thou, so can take a moral high ground of virtue. Kinda thing. I saw how she meant it and I kind of agree. It has nothing to do with ops issue, grilling another poster on why she said what she did. Then telling her the wrongs of it.

That's the phrase I was looking for! I can never remember these sayings properly

j.e.j.

Hope you're OK, OP, and taking a break away from him to clear your mind.