devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

aileth

Good for you RQ. The seven missed calls made me laugh. Someone is desperately trying to cover their a**!!!

ostrichnomore_2

RQ - you are doing well, taking a bit of space and time to think. Whatever you decide to do, we're behind you.

Don't blame you at all for that text to 'her'. We are only human and I know the advice is generally not to do these things, but you did it with dignity and if you aren't allowed a bit of satisfaction knowing you've put the wind up the other woman, then there's no justice Good for you. But I think it would be best not to answer her calls, she might be falling over herself apologising, or she might be abusive, why take the risk when you don't owe her the chance to say anything.

troubleinparadise

Also by telling your H where you are going to you are setting the standard for honesty and transparency - if you behave with a mature attitude it might rub off, and encourage him to see that communication with you is not all about screaming and shouting, and that honesty is the best policy here.

I don't blame you for contacting OW; letting her know that you know, but leaving her without knowing quite what your next move might be will no doubt have rattled her somewhat. Again, the secret sexy romance bit is never quite so much fun when it's all out in the open; loses its sparkle and allure somewhat.

I hope your time away with trusted company will restore your spirits a little.

RuthnJasper

How's it going RQ? Hope you are OK.

All the best. xx

Dimey

Just a line to say I've been thinking about you Rocketqueen. I hope you are feeling less distressed and beginning to know what you want for the future to be happy again.

Metoo123_2

Hi just wanted to say sorry you are going through this . Know what it is like as have just found my self in the same situation . Been together for 20 years and 2 weeks ago found explicit texts from husband to another woman. He has met her for coffee and lunch and I caught him with her in a cafe. Says nothing happened but know we're it was going. The most hurtful things are I have been very unwell with a serious condition and rather than the sex side things hurtful was the things like how he missed her, our marriage has been over for a long time ( news to me !) i have kicked him out but I am gutted

Dimey

Metoo123 wrote: »

Hi just wanted to say sorry you are going through this . Know what it is like as have just found my self in the same situation . Been together for 20 years and 2 weeks ago found explicit texts from husband to another woman. He has met her for coffee and lunch and I caught him with her in a cafe. Says nothing happened but know we're it was going. The most hurtful things are I have been very unwell with a serious condition and rather than the sex side things hurtful was the things like how he missed her, our marriage has been over for a long time ( news to me !) i have kicked him out but I am gutted

Sorry to hear this Metoo.
That's a long time you were together.
I was with my rat for 25 years before finding out too. It takes a few years before you recover from the pain of being deceived for so long by someone you thought you could trust with your life. The grief of losing the partner you loved and finding the new stranger in their place is tough. Like being bereaved.

10 years on and I have a lovely life. It actually worked out to be all for the good. I hope the same happens for you.

hazyjo

Have read all your posts, and some/most of others.

It might actually be worth speaking with her. You'll hear far more from her, especially if she does want him. This will be her one time to fill in some blanks. Don't put words in her mouth, just say you want to hear in her words exactly what has happened and when.

My first husband cheated on me. It started 3 days before our wedding. We'd been together 6 years or so. Looking back, I married him because everyone else thought he was perfect. We had a lovely life, we were happy, I felt very 'safe', but, although I loved him, I think I married him BECAUSE I thought he wouldn't ever cheat. There was a lovely sense of trust and comfortableness. He was stable, sensible, easygoing, not in the least bit good looking, bald, overweight (painting a good picture here lol), he'd only slept with one woman before me, he was certainly no ladies-man and never went out boozing with mates or anything. My mum knew him through work he did for her company, and we were basically paired up (10 of us went on a holiday to Spain including me, him, my mum and dad, and other family/work friends of my parents) and we hit it off.

When I found out he'd cheated, it crushed everything. He left, so it's not like I had much say in the decision, and she left her husband (eventually). But he did come round for months after and was in tears, was begging for me to take him back, was very very sad and apologetic. TBH, I was destroyed. In total bits. Especially so soon after the wedding. We'd just been given gifts, we'd spent a few grand on the wedding, we'd had a honeymoon... it just seemed unreal. The humiliation was off the scale.

I said to him if he stays away from her for 3 months (I think), then I would CONSIDER trying to piece things back together. But I found out he was still sneaking out to meet her. She actually got pregnant within a few months anyway, so thankfully I'd not taken him back.

I rang him once at work when I was home, just after he'd left. She worked with him, but he'd said she'd left, but she answered the phone. I went mental at her and she was all calm and smarmy saying things like 'there's things you need to know, there's more to it' - that's when I found out it started three days before our wedding and there was far more to it than he'd told me.

Anyway, I know everyone has their own story to tell, but sometimes it helps you analyse it. Work out how much of a chunk of your relationship has been destroyed.

If you think there's a possibility he'll run to her if you leave, then I would leave. You can't live with someone you're scared to ever argue with. They have unfinished business and once everything's rosy with you two again, I think there's a chance it could be picked up again.

As someone above said, definitely make him get checked out too at a clinic. Just cos yours comes back negative (hopefully!) doesn't mean he's not caught something. It could get passed to you at a later date, not immediately.

The best thing I did was NOT to take any revenge. I held my head up high, I didn't go round her house or tell her husband or kids, I got on with my life and when he came round in a state, I was the strong one with a life. I might have been at the point of a breakdown and drinking like a fish, but I wouldn't have let him know that. I showed enough of that when he chose to leave me.

Good luck. Keep that head held high. Let him know you're out, feeling positive, and are a strong, independent, happy woman without him. That will destroy him more than seeing you upset/in bits.

Jx
(PS my ex is still with her, 13 years later. It helps, actually. I think maybe it was true love and we were all with the wrong people. Funny how things change once that dent to your pride heals.)

happy2B

Been in a similar position myself - in a very long-term marriage. I think things CAN be rescued if you both very much want it. But once someone has proved that they WILL, then even if you forgive them, the trust is never quite the same again. And if they do it again .....
Even if you do take him back, put any baby plans on hold indefinitely. And insist that he accepts any conditions you choose to impose e.g. you have full access to his phone and facebook so there is nothing hidden.
I think sometimes these things do just take on a life of their own - a bit of gentle flirting gets out of hand, flatters the ego, and ends up down a route that was never intended. I think your hubby certainly got a reality check about what he stood to lose.
Only YOU can decide whether you want to even attempt to rebuild your relationship - and he needs to accept that you may need time to make that decision, that it will need a lot of effort on both your parts, he cannot just go back to where things were as if nothing happened - and even then, it could all fail.
The trouble is, there are no right choices and no good choices, all options have their problems. For me, the choice was taken out of my hands. TBH there were faults on both sides and I went through hell trying to sort things out - but in the end he still left. I was the same, didn't know where to put myself, became very depressed, and took several years to rebuild my life. Now I realise I am better off without him. But there is a hurt and sadness in my life that will never ever go away.

dandelionclock30

OP he will do it again as they always do. If you go back to him basically you will do so knowing that you have an open relationship and that your partner will do the same further down the line. If you think that he will be shamed into faithfulness then you are deluding yourself.
Lots of people do go out with more than one person at once.Its upto you if you want a man that is a complete ****.
If you want a monogamous relationship, where trust is central then do you really believe you will get it from him?. He was taking the p out of you,which is really horrible.
I think you deserve better really. If you stay with him you will be forever wondering what he is upto when hes not with you.