devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

neverdespairgirl

FBaby wrote: »

It is hard to say what we would do in such situation, but I am pretty sure that this would be key for me, my hubby accepting that his cheating would lead to 1000s questions firing in my mind, not far from paranoia, and that the only thing that would make me feel a little better would be him accepting to answer them all, even if they are irrelevant, even if it seemed that it was taken us nowhere, even if it was the last thing HE wanted to do. It would be my way of getting all the build-up confusion out of the way to allow me to then think through the situation more rationally. It would be the way he reacted to this that would probably decide for me whether to give it a chance or not, that is how much he would be prepared to go through the last thing he would want, ie. reminding him constantly of what he did and admitting things he would want forgotten, just because that's what I was asking.

Both the original and your comment seem entirely sensible - I've never had multiple affairs (or any, for that matter!) but it's pretty common for people to want to move on when they've messed up. If I've been half-witted and forgotten to buy some milk / been late / other minor stuff, the last thing you want even with fairly small things is to be reminded of it!

So it must to some extent show an acceptance of responsibility if you are prepared to go over it when your wife (in this case) wants to.

I do think that you are right, Fbaby, in that it's a very individual decision as to whether the betrayed wife (or husband, in those cases) wants to try to work it out or not.

I'd be pretty unhappy with my other half if he cheated at all; I'd find an emotional / love affair or something protracted over time, involving lots of lying, more of a challenge to forgive than a drunk one-night stand, I think.

I don't think one-night stands are acceptable. I'd never do it myself, and I'd be furious with OH if he did, as well as extremely upset. It does seem easier, however, to see it as a mistake, but drawn-out lying seems worse to my mind.

And it must be pretty hard to forgive multiple affairs over a period of years.

marisco_2

I am glad that you have some time and space for yourself and a chance to think things through. Its great that your colleague is being so supportive and helping you through this difficult time. You are in my thoughts, take care RQ.

rocketqueen

Husband pretty much just let me go - he knows where I am and who with, being "together" was pretty much tearing us both up, so I think he also realised a bit of space was for the best. He did make me promise I was coming back and looked broken when I left. Think he knows he can't make this better so space might help.

He did tell me he's given up drinking (i didn't ask why but am presuming its due to the "worst" of the messages being sent after he's had a few...)

He also made a big point of fact that he's working in morning tomorrow and seeing his mum in afternoon, so think this was his odd way of "telling me" he wouldn't be getting to to anything, as tomorrow was their planned meet up.

Have to admit in a moment of anger I did message "her" simply saying I had screen shots of all their chats and was deciding what to do with them - not to sure why, think I just wanted to worry her. Bit pathetic I know, but was a in the moment kind of thing. She hasn't replied but I did have 6 missed calls from a withheld number yesterday afternoon - so can only guess that was her.

marisco_2

I hope the OW has the sense to not keep trying to get hold of you. It is up to you of course whether you answer her calls, but I cant imagine anything she has to say would help you in any way. You would probably just hear a lot of self interest comments on her part. Not what you need to be dealing with right now.

Think only of yourself and what you need at this time OP. Don't be rushed into a decision either way is my advice.

RuthnJasper

GirlFromSussex wrote: »

Dear Rocket Queen,

This was a really brave and honest post. And very helpful. Best wishes to you. x

RuthnJasper

rocketqueen wrote: »

Husband pretty much just let me go - he knows where I am and who with, being "together" was pretty much tearing us both up, so I think he also realised a bit of space was for the best. He did make me promise I was coming back and looked broken when I left. Think he knows he can't make this better so space might help.

He did tell me he's given up drinking (i didn't ask why but am presuming its due to the "worst" of the messages being sent after he's had a few...)

He also made a big point of fact that he's working in morning tomorrow and seeing his mum in afternoon, so think this was his odd way of "telling me" he wouldn't be getting to to anything, as tomorrow was their planned meet up.

Have to admit in a moment of anger I did message "her" simply saying I had screen shots of all their chats and was deciding what to do with them - not to sure why, think I just wanted to worry her. Bit pathetic I know, but was a in the moment kind of thing. She hasn't replied but I did have 6 missed calls from a withheld number yesterday afternoon - so can only guess that was her.

Sounds a bit like he might be starting to realise the implications of what he's done. I don't think messaging the trollop was pathetic at all. Your nerves have been stretched beyond toleration through no fault of your own. I think you've been amazingly clever and wise in a truly wretched situation. Your colleague sounds like a fantastic friend as well.

6 missed calls after you messaged her is too marked to be a coincidence (let's face it; it's either her or one of those PPI reclaiming "services" goons). Hope she's cr*pping herself. If it was me, I wouldn't answer it even if I knew it was her. Let her sweat; it's no more than she deserves.

Thank you for the updates - take care of yourself. xx

tinkerbell28

I can see why you let her know.....

I imagine all those calls were her frantically wanting to speak to you wrt self preservation.

Not so fun for her I guess, now she might lose her family and her husband may kick her out. Silly woman.

You take time to do what you've got to do. I also think it was right you told him where you are. He knows you're safe whilst you work though it.

HeadAboveWater

Thanks for updating us.

I'm glad you've managed to arrange to get away for a couple of days. Best thing for you at the minute.

It does sound like your husband has actually realised the enormity and the seriousness of what he's done. That's progress. But take your time and do what is right for you.

I can understand why you messaged the OW. And 'coincidence' you're getting calls from withheld numbers?? Hmmmm...

Please take care

lostinrates

rocketqueen wrote: »

Husband pretty much just let me go - he knows where I am and who with, being "together" was pretty much tearing us both up, so I think he also realised a bit of space was for the best. He did make me promise I was coming back and looked broken when I left. Think he knows he can't make this better so space might help.

He did tell me he's given up drinking (i didn't ask why but am presuming its due to the "worst" of the messages being sent after he's had a few...)

He also made a big point of fact that he's working in morning tomorrow and seeing his mum in afternoon, so think this was his odd way of "telling me" he wouldn't be getting to to anything, as tomorrow was their planned meet up.

Have to admit in a moment of anger I did message "her" simply saying I had screen shots of all their chats and was deciding what to do with them - not to sure why, think I just wanted to worry her. Bit pathetic I know, but was a in the moment kind of thing. She hasn't replied but I did have 6 missed calls from a withheld number yesterday afternoon - so can only guess that was her.

Have you asked your husband if he has had any further contact with her? Does he know you have contacted Her? Or has he said that following that she has tried to contact him? It would be bizarre if she didn't try and contact him to try and find out what was happening and I. Your situation I would want him to be honest with me about that.

Buffythedebtslayer

Rocket queen if you are reading just sending massive hugs and a reminder that one day this feeling will go and you will be ok xxx