devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

rocketqueen

Hi I'm long time forum poster but didn't want to use my main ID as this might make me fairly easy to recognize.

This will be long post so sorry for that but have to get it all out....

My hubby got a new phone on Sunday and couldn't set up Google play store and his email as he didn't know log in details. So I used my email address (from on my phone) to reset his log in details.

Sunday night I went to log into my gmail account, but my phone was logged into his email account - I didn't notice straight away as had had a few drinks, but saw a email from a mutual friend of ours so clicked to open it.....

I found literally pages of emails to and from my husband to this women. Mostly very explicit stuff, describing what they'd like to do to each other in very intimate detail. There was also emails along the lines of "wife is sitting on other end of sofa, thinks I'm just playing on my phone" so he'd been doing this whilst I was right there!

There was also a list of when I'm at work all day, so they can meet up.

Devastated doesn't even start to describe how I feel right now, we've only been married for 1 and half years, (been together a lot longer tho) are trying for a baby and as far as I knew everything was good between us. I thought he was the one person in the world who'd never hurt me.

When confronted he didn't deny it (dont think he could've) but did say that nothing has ever happened in "real life" which I'm inclined to believe, but it was obviously "going to happen" due to the list of dates. He literally cried his eyes out (only seen him cry once before in all the years I've known him) and begged me to not leave him.

I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying and really am devastated - am I overreacting if "nothing physical" actually happened??

Sorry for long post.

CH27

You're not overreacting as he has been unfaithful mentally which to me is far worse than physical.

aileth

No, you're not overreacting at all. Just because there's no sex or physical intimacy doesn't make it any less of an affair. He is planning to meet another woman and have sexual relations with herr while trying for a BABY with his WIFE. Come on, really? Kick this numbskull to the kerb. If this woman is apparently worth waltzing off to have a soiree with when his wife is at work, he can fall into her arms and discover the grass isn't always greener while you find Captain Hunk and run off into the sunset.

He is crying because you found him out, not because he regrets it, and the begging you not to leave him is classic of men who exhibit this behaviour.

PasturesNew

At least you caught him fair and square. There's nothing worse than knowing and having them stand there and lie right back in your face as you can't prove it.

Wickedkitten

I don't think you are overreacting at all. This isn't some random person on the internet, this is someone whom you both know and you were actually sitting on the other end of the settee whilst he was doing it.

Personally I would discount the fact he was crying his eyes out and think about if you could actually trust him again knowing that if you didn't actually find out he have gone on to meet up with this person.

ViolaLass

I don't think you're overreacting but this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. The scare of what he could have lost might be enough. You don't have to leave him (or stay with him) just because some people think you should. Talk to him.

SailorSam

I don't know what i'd do, and after only 18mths of marriage. If there were that many messages i'd wonder was it going on back to the time we married and i thinki'd put any thoughts of a baby on hold until you can be sure.

paulineb_2

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hi I'm long time forum poster but didn't want to use my main ID as this might make me fairly easy to recognize.

This will be long post so sorry for that but have to get it all out....

My hubby got a new phone on Sunday and couldn't set up Google play store and his email as he didn't know log in details. So I used my email address (from on my phone) to reset his log in details.

Sunday night I went to log into my gmail account, but my phone was logged into his email account - I didn't notice straight away as had had a few drinks, but saw a email from a mutual friend of ours so clicked to open it.....

I found literally pages of emails to and from my husband to this women. Mostly very explicit stuff, describing what they'd like to do to each other in very intimate detail. There was also emails along the lines of "wife is sitting on other end of sofa, thinks I'm just playing on my phone" so he'd been doing this whilst I was right there! There was also a list of when I'm at work all day, so they can meet up.

Devastated doesn't even start to describe how I feel right now, we've only been married for 1 and half years, (been together a lot longer tho) are trying for a baby and as far as I knew everything was good between us. I thought he was the one person in the world who'd never hurt me.

When confronted he didn't deny it (dont think he could've) but did say that nothing has ever happened in "real life" which I'm inclined to believe, but it was obviously "going to happen" due to the list of dates. He literally cried his eyes out (only seen him cry once before in all the years I've known him) and begged me to not leave him.

I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying and really am devastated - am I overreacting if "nothing physical" actually happened??

Sorry for long post.

Id also say, stop trying for a child while this has happened. Id also be contacting the woman to tell her you know whats been going on and see what she has to say for herself.

Dare I say it, some people might be like this, a cheat and just put on a nice face, but theres something not quite right with your relationship in his eyes anyway and now that you know, I think you need to find out what made him do this. Id also be interested to know how long this mutual attraction has been going on.

If he had feelings for someone else to that extent, he shouldnt have married you.

paulineb_2

They were planning to meet up for sex and if you hadnt found the emails, he probably would have started an affair with her, certainly looks that way.

marisco_2

Your husband has treated you like dirt.

He has gone behind your back and been in contact with a woman who is a mutual friend of yours, sending explicit messages to her. Sometimes even whilst you were in the same room as him. At the same time he was fooling you into thinking he was totally committed to you and your future, even going as far as trying to start a family with you. What a horrendous betrayal.

I don't see how you can trust the word of a man who can conduct himself in that way, that nothing physical happened. You have the truth of your relationship now and can decide if you wish to walk away or try to sort things out. Personally I would be out that door without a backward glance.

rocketqueen

Thanks everyone - I agree the mental cheating feels worse then if he'd got drunk and slept with a stranger after a night out.

The thought also keeps going through my mind (sorry if this is TMI) that as the messages were so explicit, he was urm "getting excited" from them and going to bed with me - if that makes sense??

I just don't get it, we have a good "bedroom life" and he's not missing out on anything in that sense.

I resisted the urge to post on the women's Facebook page calling her every name under the sun, as I quite wanted her husband to find out as nasty as that seems. But I haven't done anything so don't know if she's even aware I've found out. Tho she asked in one of the messages to him if I knew what his Facebook log in details were - so minds wandering as to what lies in his PM on there.

Part of me believes he's genuinely sorry but I really don't know.