devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

Prothet_of_Doom

if I did that kind of thing I would be grateful to be alive.

My wife would actually kill me. If I managed to escape, she would hunt me down and kill me. I'd always be looking over my shoulder.

rocketqueen

I was going to leave yesterday to give myself time to think (had planned to book a nice hotel for couple of nights using his credit card!) But when he cried and literally begged me to stay, I found myself staying....in some ways I wish I hadn't now.

I asked him why, he didn't really have a good answer (is there one?) He said they'd been chatting as friends for a while and then it "got out of hand." He didn't intend for it to happen blah blah blah.

I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he said he didn't have any feelings for her in that way (which made it worse in a funny kind of way.)

He claims he'd have never actually gone through with meeting up with her, and it was all just talk - but I'm doubtful if this is true.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, at this moment my head says no, but its still so raw.

southoftheriver

Firstly. Eat something. Try and have a shower. You have to look after yourself. It is obvious that he doesn't have your best interests at heart so its time to be selfish.

People cry when they get caught, its a panic reaction not necessarily a guilt one, but it can be difficult to tell the two apart.

Whether you want to stay in the marriage is up to you, but he needs to be willing to do the work to prove he is sorry. I don't know if I could ever trust someone again if they did what he has done, but that is something only you can decide.

I'm really sorry you don't have anyone around you. I would definitely try and seek out a friend you trust who can be a sounding board. Of course we're all here, but its not quite the same.

Sending you strength whatever you decide to do.

gunsandbanjos

rocketqueen wrote: »

I asked him why, he didn't really have a good answer (is there one?) He said they'd been chatting as friends for a while and then it "got out of hand." He didn't intend for it to happen blah blah blah.

I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he said he didn't have any feelings for her in that way (which made it worse in a funny kind of way.)

He claims he'd have never actually gone through with meeting up with her, and it was all just talk - but I'm doubtful if this is true.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, at this moment my head says no, but its still so raw.

Right now he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear so you don't kick him out.

They were arranging to meet up! He wouldn't have gone through with it? Yeah right, pull the other one.

ostrichnomore_2

hi hon, just take some time, leave him to stew, get over the initial shock and then think and think about it all and what you want to do. No rush.

But crocodile tears come cheap. Personally, I don't buy for one nano-second all this denial of responsibility. No one falls on a mobile and accidentally sexts someone, no one trips up and finds themself accidentally having an emotional affair with another woman, no one forgets what they meant to do and accidentally arranges to meet another woman for sex without realising. These things are 100% deliberate choices made from a belief that it's ok to behave this way. Your husband believes it is ok to sext women behind your back. He believes it ok to arrange to meet other women for sex. He believes it is ok to have sex with other women. He can't turn round at this point and pretend it was all a mistake. Mistakes are something unavoidable that happens. These were all deliberate actions and intentions. Or did some magician take control of his hands and force him to send those messages? Did someone take over his brain and make him find it funny to have an emotional affair behind your back? Did Superman fly down and arrange a date between the two of them?

In a way you are lucky as you have definite proof of all this. He's lying to you but sounding stupid because you have that proof. Tell him to quit the pathetic denials for a start, if he really is serious about trying to mend your marriage, man up and admit what he's been doing. Further lies will lead no-where.

it "got out of hand." - teenage parties when the parents are away 'get out of hand'. The actions of a grown adult cannot 'get out of hand' - he's talking rubbish.

'He didn't intend for it to happen' - oh purleeease! Don't do it then. We all face temptation every day of our lives. Committed adults know the difference between right and wrong. He's not a baby that had no choice here.

HeadAboveWater

He doesn't and probably won't have a 'good' answer. Any answer excuse he gives will be wrong! He was caught out. Simple.

He's playing the emotional game to make you feel sorry for him. Hang on a sec.... to make you feel sorry for him??!?Nope! No chance. Don't let him do that to you.

Your first priority is YOU! You need to look after number one. Take time to yourself. Get away for a bit. Think about things. Then decide what you want to do. Take your time.

Look after yourself please

neneromanova

ostrichnomore wrote: »

hi hon, just take some time, leave him to stew, get over the initial shock and then think and think about it all and what you want to do. No rush.

But crocodile tears come cheap. Personally, I don't buy for one nano-second all this denial of responsibility. No one falls on a mobile and accidentally sexts a friend, these things are 100% deliberate choices made from a belief that it's ok to behave this way. Your husband believes it is ok to sext women behind your back. He believes it ok to arrange to meet other women for sex. He believes it is ok to have sex with other women. He can't turn round at this point and pretend it was all a mistake. Mistakes are something unavoidable that happens. These were all deliberate actions and intentions. In a way you are lucky as you have definite proof of all this. He's lying to you but sounding stupid because you have that proof.

Apparently my ex did. "Accidentally" sent a picture of himself and she "accidentally sent a a pic to him.... :shhh: :wall:

Dimey

ostrichnomore wrote: »

hi hon, just take some time, leave him to stew, get over the initial shock and then think and think about it all and what you want to do. No rush.

But crocodile tears come cheap. Personally, I don't buy for one nano-second all this denial of responsibility. No one falls on a mobile and accidentally sexts someone, no one trips up and finds themself accidentally having an emotional affair with another woman, no one forgets what they meant to do and accidentally arranges to meet another woman for sex without realising. These things are 100% deliberate choices made from a belief that it's ok to behave this way. Your husband believes it is ok to sext women behind your back. He believes it ok to arrange to meet other women for sex. He believes it is ok to have sex with other women. He can't turn round at this point and pretend it was all a mistake. Mistakes are something unavoidable that happens. These were all deliberate actions and intentions. Or did some magician take control of his hands and force him to send those messages? Did someone take over his brain and make him find it funny to have an emotional affair behind your back? Did Superman fly down and arrange a date between the two of them?

In a way you are lucky as you have definite proof of all this. He's lying to you but sounding stupid because you have that proof. Tell him to quit the pathetic denials for a start, if he really is serious about trying to mend your marriage, man up and admit what he's been doing. Further lies will lead no-where.

it "got out of hand." - teenage parties when the parents are away 'get out of hand'. The actions of a grown adult cannot 'get out of hand' - he's talking rubbish.

'He didn't intend for it to happen' - oh purleeease! Don't do it then. We all face temptation every day of our lives. Committed adults know the difference between right and wrong. He's not a baby that had no choice here.

Spot on Ostrichnomore.

Did husband really say he has no feelings for his mistress? So he's prepared to betray his wife for so little? For someone he doesn't even have feelings for. Astonishing.

Did he understand what he was vowing when he married you OP?

aileth

rocketqueen wrote: »

I asked him why, he didn't really have a good answer (is there one?) He said they'd been chatting as friends for a while and then it "got out of hand." He didn't intend for it to happen blah blah blah.

I have male friends who I talk to a lot, but there is no inkling, not even a CHANCE it could get out of hand. Absolute crap.

rocketqueen wrote: »

I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he said he didn't have any feelings for her in that way (which made it worse in a funny kind of way.)

Total crap. If he didn't have feelings for her in that way why would he send her sexual texts? That totally and utterly demeans the whole thing and is incredibly deflective.

rocketqueen wrote: »

He claims he'd have never actually gone through with meeting up with her, and it was all just talk - but I'm doubtful if this is true.

Crap crap crap.

HeadAboveWater

Well said aileth