devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

[Deleted User]

*Hugs*
Think of yourself first and always.
Take some time out for yourself. If he has friends or family to go to tell him you want him to leave so you can process all of this.
The texts etc have been an ongoing thing and this was premeditated in the way that its been going on for a long time and not just a day or so.
You wont know what to do for the best for youself at the moment, which is why you do need space. Hes telling you how he feels, which is emotional blackmail in a way.
It isn't about how he feels its about how you do, and what you want.
Time can only tell which way it will go. But letting him off the hook so to speak and letting him stay isn't going to make him loose you.
Hes got to think he is going to loose you altogether before he really fully understands what he has done.
Whether he has or hasn't slept with her isn't the issue, the issue is he is cheating on you by doing what hes done.
Think about whether you want to spend your whole life with child by this man too because from my experience if hes done this before he will do it again further down the line, and with a child by him its not so easy to walk away.
Edited just to say : He isn't sorry for actually doing what hes done, hes sorry he got caught. But it isn't about him now. The balls in your court...

jacques_chirac

Would he have been crying had he not been found out?

I'm all for seeing both sides of the story, but this one is pretty clear. He's a cheat. If it's not her, it will be somebody else. If he does go/ has gone there with her, there will probably still be someone else.

Run for the hills, preferably on his credit card

rocketqueen

Dimey wrote: »

Spot on Ostrichnomore.

Did husband really say he has no feelings for his mistress? So he's prepared to betray his wife for so little? For someone he doesn't even have feelings for. Astonishing.

Did he understand what he was vowing when he married you OP?

Yep No feelings in a "wanting a relationship" kind of way, presumably (from content of messages) lots of feelings in a sexual way tho.) This did hurt as like you say he's been prepared to risk his marriage on someone he has no interest in having anything more then a quick sexual encounter with. I'm inclined to believe he doesn't "love her" etc as there was nothing at all to hint at this in the messages.

Dimey

I guess your marriage vows were along the lines of these: -

I, take you, to be my wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honour and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

I wonder what your husband thinks his word is worth now?

warehouse

People do make mistakes and learn from them, and marriages can & do survive much much worse than this.

The issue here is the trust one. If in time you feel that you will be able to trust him again then you both need to work on what went wrong and move on from this.

Please don't make a knee jerk reaction based on some hysterical replies you get from anonymous people on here. Don't make decisions while the emotion is still so raw.

jacques_chirac

warehouse wrote: »

People do make mistakes and learn from them, and marriages can & do survive much much worse than this.

The issue here is the trust one. If in time you feel that you will be able to trust him again then you both need to work on what went wrong and move on from this.

Please don't make a knee jerk reaction based on some hysterical replies you get from anonymous people on here. Don't make decisions while the emotion is still so raw.

A mistake is putting a pink shirt in with whites. Planning to have sex with your wife's friend is a little more serious than that.

aileth

rocketqueen wrote: »

Yep No feelings in a "wanting a relationship" kind of way, presumably (from content of messages) lots of feelings in a sexual way tho.) This did hurt as like you say he's been prepared to risk his marriage on someone he has no interest in having anything more then a quick sexual encounter with. I'm inclined to believe he doesn't "love her" etc as there was nothing at all to hint at this in the messages.

I'd say that's even worse to be honest, like you say. If he was planning to elope with this woman and thought that they'd have a life together, that's bad enough, but willing to throw away his new wife and a possible baby for a quick encounter is incredible. He must respect you very little I'm afraid.

It's now down to you, can you trust him again? Do you think you can work through this? I personally couldn't, but everyone is different. The hardest part is getting through the bank holiday weekend when you're working without constantly thinking he is getting his end away somewhere. Good luck whatever you choose.

RuthnJasper

I am so, SO sorry that this has happened to you Rocketqueen. I think you have shown seriously amazing restraint in the way you're dealing with it (especially holding yourself back from posting abuse all over Facebook).

I know that men have different mindsets than us and that sometimes they DO engage in flirty banter that gets out of hand, despite having no intention of having an actual affair. But it's the list - the list!! - of the days and times when you are at work that shows real deviousness and calculation. There is no way that that can be passed off as innocent.

I hope that you know that this is NOT your fault, nor is it a reflection on you as a person. This idiot doesn't deserve someone as decent as you.

I know it sounds a bit twee - but have you thought about sitting down and writing your husband a letter, explaining how hurt you have been by each and every aspect of this episode? that might help you; even if he is too witless to understand.

What do you want (apart, obviously, from this whole sordid mess never to have happened) the outcome to be? If you want to try and patch things up then maybe a bit of counselling might help - http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html. But he can't have you AND the other one.

I like neneromanova's suggestion - though that might not help you in your immediate future.

Whatever you decide to do, I sincerely wish you the very best and hope that your future turns out to be a lot happier than life is at the moment.

Take care of yourself. xx

pinkshoes

What a crappy thing to happen.

What would I do? Well for starters I'd want space, so I'd pack a bag with some clothes for a few days FOR HIM and tell him to go away as you need space, and you'll let him know when you're ready to talk.

I'd be tempted to phone friends husband and ask him if he would kindly stop his wife from organising sex with your husband.

rpc

rocketqueen wrote: »

He said they'd been chatting as friends for a while and then it "got out of hand." He didn't intend for it to happen blah blah blah.

I chat with a number of female friends by email etc. So far, I have managed to avoid planning sex with any of them. He is just making excuses, weak ones at that.

His behaviour suggests to me that he knows he scewed up, but doesn't really regret it and doesn't want to make amends. If he did then he would be more honest!

He had an affair, they just didn't get as far as copulating. You might be able to get over this together, you might not. If you are going to fix it, he needs to be open. You've seen the emails - it walks like a duck, it quacks like a duck but he says it is really a cow.