devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

j.e.j.

If he's out at work at the moment I would use your day off to change the locks and leave a suitcase with his stuff in on the front lawn.

Actions speak louder than words, and at least that way you haven't got to go to work at the weekend worrying that he's going to invite her round.

Mojisola

rocketqueen wrote: »

I'm fairly sure they were planning to meet up this weekend as I'm doing long days at work Saturday and bank holiday Monday - these were the times mentioned. How the hell I'm going to go to work on both those days now, wondering what he's up to.

My anger/upset is 90% directed at him and 10% at her, as what he has done to me is far worse if that makes sense?

Of course it makes sense - he's the one who married you and made promises to you.

If they do get together this weekend, your way forward will be very clear - he will have made his choice.

If he cuts it off with her and keeps telling you that it won't happen again, it will be much harder to move forward. Will you ever be able to trust him again?

gunsandbanjos

Well done for having the presence of mind to take screenshots before the conniving worm had time to delete them.

I know you don't want to drag your friends into this but is there not one you could talk to in confidence?

If not there is always someone on here willing to lend an ear.

lazer

It's up to you how you handle this - you are married 18 months and have been trying for a baby, so up until this you obviously loved you husband very much, so this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage, it's your decision no-one elses.

If you want to try and save your marriage - you have to talk to your husband and basically find out why, if it was simply because he could and could get away it, then do you think you can trust him again? Or if he comes up with some reason, for example he feels neglected (Which isn't an excuse for cheating - there is no excuse, you should not cheat, if your relationship isn't working leave - don't use it an excuse for an affair!) perhaps there is a chance you can work through it to make sure it doesn't get to this point again and perhaps you can trust him again.

Whatever you do, make sure it is what you want, not what other people think you should do, but make sure that if you do stay together that you work through this and that you learn to trust him again, you can't fix your marriage if you are suspicious of everything he does.

As the woman is an accquantiance more than a friend, then I would stay out of her marriage - ot's your husband that has betrayed you, what she does isn't your main concern at the minute.

Good luck and stay strong

Dimey

rocketqueen wrote: »

I'm fairly sure they were planning to meet up this weekend as I'm doing long days at work Saturday and bank holiday Monday - these were the times mentioned. How the hell I'm going to go to work on both those days now, wondering what he's up to.

My anger/upset is 90% directed at him and 10% at her, as what he has done to me is far worse if that makes sense?

I took screen shots on my phone of a selection of the messages so emailing them to her husband is fairly tempting.

If he meets her this weekend or even today, then you know where you are and what he thinks of you.

If you do decide to tell the husband then just a phone call to explain what you've found. Keep your dignity.

Chances are the husband will hear about it anyway. Especially if you let other friends know you need their support.

If you decide you want time away from your husband, let him stay away for a few days while you sort yourself out. Symbolically keep hold of your territory.

gunsandbanjos

And I agree with most of the above I would (a) pack his stuff and change the locks and (b) tell the other woman's husband.

If someone had incontrovertible proof like you have on my husband I would like to think they would tell me. He has a right to know.

ostrichnomore_2

honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You must be devastated. This is in the 'real world', it's your real world, your real life and your real marriage your husband took a deliberate decision to eff up. If he's in that denial stage (and with my cheating ex his denial stage lasted 7 months and drove me just about nuts) there's really not a lot of point talking to him about it as it'll just make you feel angrier and worse. So it might be a good idea to take a few days away with friends/family during this worst part. It doesn't matter if they are mutual friends, you'll soon find out which ones are your true friends. You haven't done anything wrong, he has, sometimes it really is as black and white as that.

Don't feel you have to rush into any decisions or actions right now, give yourself time to process it all and deal with the shock. I know of two marriages where one person cheated and they went through a lot but stayed together and have had long and (apparently) happy marriages, children etc. This is very hard to do and I don't think most marriages can survive this, even if they want to. But in most cases I know of, when one person cheats (and he has) it's been the end of the marriage as far as the victim is concerned; they decide they cannot stay with the cheater. That's also hard because love doesn't switch off overnight regardless of what they've done. It's a painful and confusing time either way. But you'll get through it, I promise, no matter how bad you feel right now.

You don't have to decide now, and whatever you decide, it's ok.

Look after yourself - I know you don't feel like eating but your body needs it. Have half a mug of soup or a slice of toast or a banana or a biscuit or something at least twice a day, anything, just force it down even though it feel like chewing cardboard.

Your husband is not sorry for having an affair or hurting you. He's just sorry he's been caught/is in trouble/can't have his cake and eat it any more/has dawned on him that he was playing a dangerous game. If he really cared about you he wouldn't have done this, simple. No cheating is excusable but this was planned and pre-meditated and cruel. They treated you as a big joke. I'm so sorry for saying that out plain, I know you feel that anyway, but don't let him talk you round by pretending it wasn't like that and make you feel you are making something out of nothing. This was a very big and very real something 'in the real world'. They WERE having a relationship even though they hadn't had the opportunity to sleep together till this weekend.

I would also tell her husband. Not for revenge or troublemaking (although be prepared for your husband and her to see it that way, tough!!) but because the poor man deserves to know.

Mojisola

lazer wrote: »

As the woman is an accquantiance more than a friend, then I would stay out of her marriage - ot's your husband that has betrayed you, what she does isn't your main concern at the minute.

I wouldn't. I think her husband has the right to know.

One of my relatives was devastated when his wife left him and then completely crushed when he found out that most of their friends knew about her affair but no-one had told him.

aileth

Difficult one, but I would put yourself in her husband's shoes.

If your wife was having an emotional affair with another man and someone knew about said emotional affair, wouldn't you want them to tell you? I bloody would. Help this man to stop living a lie. Give him the information you know about and let him handle it, whether they work through it or whether he leaves her.

I must say I rather like the suggestion about packing his things up and taking it to the woman's house for her husband!

Dimey

neneromanova wrote: »

If it was me in this situation, I'd pack his stuff up, take it to this "friends" house when her husband is in and just say if she wants him she can keep him.

>>>.

I like this solution. I wish I'd done this when it happened to me.