devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

rocketqueen

I've thought the same thing about the marriage vows - it obviously didn't mean anything when he said them.

I don't believe this can be classed as a mistake - as i said earlier getting drunk and sleeping with a stranger could be a "mistake" but this is far more premeditated then that, he had time to think about he was doing and the consequences and chose to carry on regardless.

I know this isn't my fault at all, and although I've gone to pieces at the moment I'm also not a mug or walkover - I won't believe what he tells me JUST because its what I want to hear.

Thank you ALL for your kind words and listening while I go on, it really is much appreciated x

j.e.j.

warehouse wrote: »

People do make mistakes and learn from them, and marriages can & do survive much much worse than this.

The issue here is the trust one. If in time you feel that you will be able to trust him again then you both need to work on what went wrong and move on from this.

Please don't make a knee jerk reaction based on some hysterical replies you get from anonymous people on here. Don't make decisions while the emotion is still so raw.

I see where you're coming from, but for me when I read the OP it wasn't so much the cheating, as the WAY he was doing it. Sexting another woman while his wife was sitting right near him saying stuff like 'ha ha my wife doesn't know what I'm up to..'

And he's now trying to make OP feel sorry for him (while he's STILL lying about it all!)

This isn't a nice fella. She's best off rid of him. But will she have the strength to do that. You are right in that it's her business, her life. We're just a bunch of strangers on the internet giving our opinions, it's not up to us.

Tweety

If feasible, why don’t you ask him to move out for some time and during that time think and make a decision on what YOU want - relate, make another go of things, move on etc. I am not sure what your view would be, but sometimes talking things through with an impartial person (counsellor) really does help. Perhaps you could pursue this when you get some space from him?

I really do feel for you as it must be an awful situation to be in. Personally, I wouldn’t be succumbing to any of his crying until I decided whether I really could forgive and forget something like this.

Don’t make it too easy for him, be fair to yourself by getting some thinking time (alone). If you do choose to go down this route, it should be him finding somewhere to go not you!

warehouse

RuthnJasper wrote: »

I know that men have different mindsets than us and that sometimes they DO engage in flirty banter that gets out of hand, despite having no intention of having an actual affair.

It takes 2 to tango and the WOMAN is just as bad IMO.

Person_one

j.e.j. wrote: »

I see where you're coming from, but for me when I read the OP it wasn't so much the cheating, as the WAY he was doing it. Sexting another woman while his wife was sitting right near him saying stuff like 'ha ha my wife doesn't know what I'm up to..'

This is the worst of it for me.

He can't claim he feels terrible about it, that he was caught in something he couldn't stop but wanted to, because of this.

He was laughing at you, he was mocking you, he was getting his jollies from the knowledge that you were sitting there completely unaware that he was getting a hard on from another woman just a few feet away. He used your ignorance and innocence as part of his interaction with her. He knew exactly what he was doing and now he's trying it on with the crocodile tears.

What a thoroughly nasty piece of work. Chuck him out, e-mail her husband calmly and factually, then never look back. Thank god you didn't get pregnant!

duchy

Ugh
My ex got involved with a woman in this kind of way ..... I do honestly believe he just thought he was been clever and a "bit of a boy" rather than any desire to leave or have a proper relationship with her . (he miscalculated bigtime -I threw him out btw ) I know I shouldn't but I reserve an even greater contempt for these women who have such disrespect for another woman's marriage than for the men themselves.

Stay calm Hun. Don't do anything hasty- Talk to him when you are calm and decide if he's worth another chance (if you think the relationship is worth saving and this is just a blip) as you've been together a long time. If you feel the need to talk to friends - then do so. Do what you need to do and decide what you want to happen from here on.

Oh and have a hug

Dimey

rocketqueen wrote: »

I've thought the same thing about the marriage vows - it obviously didn't mean anything when he said them.

I don't believe this can be classed as a mistake - as i said earlier getting drunk and sleeping with a stranger could be a "mistake" but this is far more premeditated then that, he had time to think about he was doing and the consequences and chose to carry on regardless.

I know this isn't my fault at all, and although I've gone to pieces at the moment I'm also not a mug or walkover - I won't believe what he tells me JUST because its what I want to hear.

Thank you ALL for your kind words and listening while I go on, it really is much appreciated x

This is a much more balanced view than you sounded earlier Rocketqueen. I think you've made solid progress in a short space of time. You're thinking straight now. Impressive.

Next, rest and give yourself time to be sure and reflect. Go for a walk in the sunshine.

Allow time to watch how husband behaves. His behaviour (not his forked tongue) over the next week or so will help you decide whether you want a future with him.

aileth

rpc wrote: »

You've seen the emails - it walks like a duck, it quacks like a duck but he says it is really a cow.

An apt description of the mistress

marisco_2

I hate to bring this up when you are under so much stress and going through awful turmoil already. However it is possible that your husband may have been sleeping with this woman, despite his claims otherwise. All the while you two have been trying for a baby. It would be wise to get yourself checked for STD's, especially so if there is even the slightest chance you could be pregnant. Some STD's are dangerous in pregnancy.

Ballabriggs

Does the 'other woman' know that she's been rumbled yet? I think you said she was a mutual friend. If not I'd be sending her a stinging ( not abusive) email from your husband's account as a forward from the last explicit one she sent. Something on the lines of:

The is x's wife, remember me? I have seen ALL of the emails you have sent to my husband and quite frankly you have proven yourself to be the classless piece of trash that I always suspected. Whilst it might have given you a kick to come between a husband and wife, be sure to remember that what goes around comes around. Btw I haven't decided what to do with the emails yet, once I had gotten over the shock we had a good laugh over what you had sent and it seems a shame to keep such material to a select few.


Okay so your not going to post them around town but she doesn't know that does she? Karma's a b!&ch!

I think you deserve a little payback on this so called 'friend'

Good luck