devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

Person_one

And if the wife has no intention of telling him? You really think its ok to let someone carry on living a lie?

Telling him isn't about making the OP feel better, if nothing else he probably needs to get an STI test just as she does.

paulineb_2

Person_one wrote: »

And if the wife has no intention of telling him? You really think its ok to let someone carry on living a lie?

Telling him isn't about making the OP feel better, if nothing else he probably needs to get an STI test just as she does.

They havent had sex yet,theyve exchanged emails about meeting up in the future. I cant see how either of them need an STI test.

This isnt about me thinking its ok to let someone living a lie. This is about the OP and her marriage, not the other couple and theirs.

Id have no qualms about contacting the wife, telling her that I know and telling her to back off

But telling the husband is down to her. Thats just my opinion, of course other people will see it differently.

Dimey

paulineb wrote: »

I wouldnt do that, the husband in this scenario doesnt need to be hurt by all of this just so someone can feel better

But I would let the woman know that you know what theyve been up to.

I know I wouldn't do it but I still like the solution and the wicked goblin on my shoulder wishes I had have done it.

I myself went for the dignified exit. I just left my wedding ring on the kitchen table....
For him to find as he left her in my bed while he came out to investigate hearing me enter the house.

Valli

Hi OP

There have been some sterling posts thus far; just wanted to urge you not to do anything rash; you've got the evidence you need for a divorce if it comes to that but right now you're all over the place. Don't rush into anything.

But once the trust and respect goes out of a relationship, for whatever reason, it's probably the end.

(PS FWIW I'm with the camp who thinks he already has...)

Valli

Dimey wrote: »

I myself went for the dignified exit. I just left my wedding ring on the kitchen table....
For him to find as he left her in my bed while he came out to investigate hearing me enter the house.

Kudos and MUCH respect!

NinjaSavingKat

OCS_Fan wrote: »

.............I have recently caught my partner out telling lies and the lies have led to mistrust and massive hurt. He is also very sorry, assuring me it will never happen again. My relationship has 10 years invested in it and seems worth saving when I have no real evidence, .............. my eyes are wide open. I will always struggle to take anything he says at face value. I'm extremely sad about this.

Honey you said you caught him out lying, he admitted it and said he was sorry saying it won't happen again - why do you need real evidance? If you will never be able to properly trust him why stay with him just because there is "10 years invested"... are you not worth more? Better to have 3 years of solid, happy, trusthworthy relationship with someone else that 10 more untrust-worthy difficult ones where you are...

NinjaSavingKat

OP what a horrid thing for you to find. I have read the entire thread and there is some stella advise here. You need to figure out what you want to do for you first though... I am sure you are still sick from reading what you did........ like someone else said - take some time out for yourself and have a think about what you really want. Only you know your husband and it's no one else decision as to whether he stays or goes.

However I would tell the other womans husband at some point. it doesn't have to be today, you are not against the clock since you already have the evidance. But he does have a right to know, in a calm an collected manner and not in a way that will be even more distressing to him. He is a wounded party as well. It's only fair those that have been decieved look out for each other. If I ever found out someone knew about my not-yet-exixstant partner's unfaithfulness and didn't tell me all hell would break loose.

I really hope you find some piece of mind about this soon...

ash28

ostrichnomore wrote: »

'It would be wise to get yourself checked for STD's'

I second this. They may or may not have slept together already. Or engaged in some sort of activity if not intercourse. My ex swore blind he hadn't actually slept with the 'other woman' and I sometimes believe him, sometimes don't. It's not worth the risk even if you do 100% believe him, especially if you want to have children in future as some can be symptomless but damage your fertility.

Go to the clinic and get checked up. It isn't nearly as bad as you think, it's all anonymous and non-judgemental, in fact they were very sympathetic to me. Just to put your mind at rest and to know you are safe.

Absolutely get yourself checked.....a friend's husband gave her chlamydia, he got himself treated but never told her - she had no symptoms. Years later when they wanted to start a family she was infertile due to the chlamydia. And she didn't even know she had it...they're divorced now.

Obviously if you're confident they've never had sex then you wouldn't need a test.......

firefly369

Very sorry for you situation OP.

I think whether you choose to stay with him or choose to leave him you have to impose some consequences on him - no matter how sorry he says he is. You set the standard for how you wish to be treated by him and others in the future. He needs to earn back your trust, love and respect and that means he has to start putting your needs first and you have to insist upon it. Begging you to stay is about him getting his needs met not yours.

No matter what outcome you choose you are going to have to dig deep and find the inner strength to take control of your own future or you are destined to have this happen to you over and over.

My own personal opinion is that I could not continue to live with someone once the trust and respect was gone. His total lack of concern for your needs at this time is very worrying.

BitterAndTwisted

Of course he cried: I expect he's !!!!!!-scared that you're going to disclose what you know to her husband.

For the moment I would keep your powder dry until you've got over the shock. And be absolutely certain that he's told her that the cat is most definitely out of the bag. Let them both stew in their own juice for a bit. Let them both suffer like you are until you've decided precisely how you want to proceed.

The deviousness and calculation would have destroyed any trust I would have had in him but you are entitled to feel differently.