devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

spirit

pinkshoes wrote: »

I think I'd calmly phoneor text the other woman and tell her she has 24 hours to tell her husband before you do. Give her a chance to confess.

The husband deserves to know.

I wouldn't advise this, the OP has enough on her plate than to worry about some skanky biatche's husband.

tinkerbell28

rocketqueen wrote: »

I know the not trusting anyone 100 per cent feeling well. My dad walked out on me as a child, then I was raised by grandad (mum couldn't cope) who died suddenly and unexpectedly, so I've always had an issue that no one stays around for long - only person I've ever "let in" totally is husband and now he's done it too.

OCS FAN - we are still under same roof, he's being"ok" - answering all the random questions I fire his way, but I really feel as though he's thinking that as I didn't walk yesterday, all will be forgotten about in few days....clearly it won't, but that attitude makes me think he doesn't fully appreciate the seriousness of situation. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong and he's giving me space - I'm so confused I just don't know anymore.

Can I be brutally honest?

That is because he has not had any consequences. A few tears and he still has his feet under the table, he still has you. So what? He has been planning sex with a friend. You get angry, he sheds a few tears. He has to put up with a bit for frostiness for a while. Then what?

For the thrill of the chase that is a small price to pay no? Someone who can do this when the going is good, with so little consequence, will do it again.

You should get him to leave (IMO ONLY) so he can face consequences, tell her it is finished, with her, let him explain to friends and family.

It does not mean it has to be the end for you. But maybe losing you, the home and having the shame of telling people, may well give him the scare he needs. If he walks, or goes to her, he would have done anyway in time.

Dimey

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

Can I be brutally honest?

That is because he has not had any consequences. A few tears and he still has his feet under the table, he still has you. So what? He has been planning sex with a friend. You get angry, he sheds a few tears. He has to put up with a bit for frostiness for a while. Then what?

For the thrill of the chase that is a small price to pay no? Someone who can do this when the going is good, with so little consequence, will do it again.

You should get him to leave (IMO ONLY) so he can face consequences, tell her it is finished, with her, let him explain to friends and family.

It does not mean it has to be the end for you. But maybe losing you, the home and having the shame of telling people, may well give him the scare he needs. If he walks, or goes to her, he would have done anyway in time.

You could ask him to leave till after the bank holiday to give you space to mourn the loss of his integrity and think about how you want to handle this news.

cheeswright

If you "forgive" him could you trust him?
would you end up needing to see his phone all the time - having access to his email trying to check if he had new accounts - - would you be suddenly dropping home from work...all the time he gets to moan that you said it was over ...and yet you are turning into this needy psyco with absolutly no self esteem..
you really want a baby but cant quite bring yourself to trust him enough..
eventually you break up - its horrible - this time he gets to blame you...you never talked about his behaviour as it is now....so people take his side...after all your behaviours gotten very odd recently...you keep crying and screaming at him in public when he even looks at other women.......you even turned up wher he works....you got drunk and snogged his best friend at christmas in the pub - "so he would know what it felt like" ...then locked your self in the toilet and cried til someone took you home......

or maybe you send his texts to EVERYONE and say "my husband has behaved like an Ar** please feel free to tell him so... "

then at least he too has to live with what he's done....

tinkerbell28

Dimey wrote: »

You could ask him to leave till after the bank holiday to give you space to mourn the loss of his integrity and think about how you want to handle this news.

Yes, do not be afraid of asking for space. Personally I think a guy who does this so early on, during the good times, is a habitual cheat and won't change. But that is my opinion.

He may well have made a huge mistake. Thing is though, if he is so easily swayed and it only takes a few tears to keep his place in the house, it's not going to "deter" him is it op? You already get that feeling he thinks it will blow over as it is not that big of a deal. Which wouldn't fill me with confidence either.

Take that smug attitude away, I would. Ask him to leave as you need some to decide what YOU want to happen with the marriage from here on and if YOU even want it to continue, that doesn't mean it is over. It is time to think about YOUR interests.

If he walks, or goes shagging about, you've saved yourself a life of heart ache, by narrowly avoiding kids with a ratbag. Or he may step up.

paulineb_2

Its really up to you OP if you think your marriage is worth saving, but if it is I suggest you have a think about counselling, either together or on your own.

There are people who stay in marriages after one partner has an affair, there have been other threads posted on here to that effect where the person has decided to stay and been supported through that decision making process.

Watto30

RuthnJasper wrote: »

NOT a good idea. Then Rocketqueen might well find herself up on a criminal assault charge. To judge from her posts she has much more class than to descend to that (however much she may feel tempted).

Fair point although I was not actually telling the OP to do this, I said personally if it was me, although I have never actually done it but have been sorely tempted on occassion! no one can predict how they will react to certain situations and no doubt the OP is extremly angry right now


OP I hope in time you will recover from this x

troubleinparadise

What a horrible situation to be in - I'm sure you are feeling like this is just a really bad film, not your life that was ticking along apparently happily just a few days ago...

First thing - don't under any circumstances leave your home - if things become awful being under the same roof, then he can go - that makes a bit more nasty reality come into this odd world he's created. (Do you own your house together? That boring old money thing can spoil the most romantic of dream relationships)

It does strike me that he's been a bit childish, seeking an escape just as the two of you are planning the very adult thing of starting a family together - scared of responsibility?

Also that this sexy relationship included a very cold and unsexy list of your work hours - not how I'd like to be seduced if I was the temptress on the receiving end of that text..... Not exactly the stuff of romantic dreams!

And that he sought your help with the technical stuff without covering his tracks carefully - not the actions of a seasoned deceiver.

I would also be careful of your approach re the slapper's husband - a friend was informed of her H's infidelity by the girlfriends husband, but in a vengeful rather than caring way, and that added to her pain - you don't sound like the sort of person who wants to hurt others, though I suspect if you found yourself in a dark alley with her.... Plus you don't want to give her any leverage to paint you in a bad light when she is the one who has behaved appallingly.

Anyway, just my twopenny's worth, but take care of yourself, and I'm so sorry you've been let down so badly :eek:

victory

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

Yes, do not be afraid of asking for space. Personally I think a guy who does this so early on, during the good times, is a habitual cheat and won't change. But that is my opinion.

He may well have made a huge mistake. Thing is though, if he is so easily swayed and it only takes a few tears to keep his place in the house, it's not going to "deter" him is it op? You already get that feeling he thinks it will blow over as it is not that big of a deal. Which wouldn't fill me with confidence either.

Take that smug attitude away, I would. Ask him to leave as you need some to decide what YOU want to happen with the marriage from here on and if YOU even want it to continue, that doesn't mean it is over. It is time to think about YOUR interests.

If he walks, or goes shagging about, you've saved yourself a life of heart ache, by narrowly avoiding kids with a ratbag. Or he may step up.

I agree with this^^ your OH lost all rights when he got found out, you have to look after yourself, get some sleep, eat some food, don't feel you have to make any major decisions , he caused this, you stay put, ask him to leave, if you had not discovered this what would he being doing behind your back this weekend?

To be sitting on the sofa texting saying you're in the room, utter disrespect.

bagpussbear

I'm very sorry to hear what's happened OP. Awful thing to happen to you.

There's some good advice here on some posts, and I think maybe getting away for a bit on your own might give you some thinking time about what you want to do, the way forward.

But I just came here to give you a virtual hug, I think you need it.