devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

lostinrates

Op, I am sorry you are going through this.


Something that I would consider in the moments that the thoughts of what to do about the 'other woman' cross your mind is that the chances are your husband may have already warned her you have found out. Its probably pretty unlikely any approach to her would be un forewarned.

kboss2010

rocketqueen wrote: »

I know the not trusting anyone 100 per cent feeling well. My dad walked out on me as a child, then I was raised by grandad (mum couldn't cope) who died suddenly and unexpectedly, so I've always had an issue that no one stays around for long - only person I've ever "let in" totally is husband and now he's done it too.

OCS FAN - we are still under same roof, he's being"ok" - answering all the random questions I fire his way, but I really feel as though he's thinking that as I didn't walk yesterday, all will be forgotten about in few days....clearly it won't, but that attitude makes me think he doesn't fully appreciate the seriousness of situation. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong and he's giving me space - I'm so confused I just don't know anymore.

I grew up in a really hostile household until my parents divorced which was the better of the options to be honest. I love my OH dearly and, whilst I wouldn't be with him if I thought he would cheat, stuff happens and you can never predict what tomorrow will bring. He calls it "being cold", I call it "realistic". I know how u feel re letting people in and them letting you down, my ex did it.

It sounds like he hasn't got the message that it wasn't ok, he needs to have a consequence. Make him move out temporarily. He'll not only not have the comfort of your home but he'll also have to explain to everyone why he's had to move out. If he lies he'll eventually be found out, these things don't stay secret for long, and he'll look like even more of an idiot.

Get some space and then make up your mind, but he did the deed, he should leave.

rocketqueen

Think the reason I feel I can't ask him to go is the flat is entirely his, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage every month, and the majority of the bills, it's also solely his name on lease. I'm presuming us being married means I still have some say in the flat, but I'm sure he could refuse to leave if he really wanted too.

Thank you all again for all the support on this, I appreciate each and every bit of kindness you've all shown me, really I do xx

Dimey

rocketqueen wrote: »

Think the reason I feel I can't ask him to go is the flat is entirely his, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage every month, and the majority of the bills, it's also solely his name on lease. I'm presuming us being married means I still have some say in the flat, but I'm sure he could refuse to leave if he really wanted too.

Thank you all again for all the support on this, I appreciate each and every bit of kindness you've all shown me, really I do xx

You're not asking to take over the flat. Just some space to think from your own husband. Have self confidence. Its reasonable - just till after the bank holiday.

If he refuses then OK you go away for the weekend. Or invite friends round to console you all day, every day.

Maybe phone his Mother and ask her to invite him there so you can have thinking time. Explain why.

victory

rocketqueen wrote: »

Think the reason I feel I can't ask him to go is the flat is entirely his, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage every month, and the majority of the bills, it's also solely his name on lease. I'm presuming us being married means I still have some say in the flat, but I'm sure he could refuse to leave if he really wanted too.

Thank you all again for all the support on this, I appreciate each and every bit of kindness you've all shown me, really I do xx

He could refuse, but you need to do what's best for you, if you cannot bear being anywhere near him, you need some breathing space, some thinking time , he owes this, ask him to leave if that's what you want

FBaby

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

Can I be brutally honest?

That is because he has not had any consequences. A few tears and he still has his feet under the table, he still has you. So what? He has been planning sex with a friend. You get angry, he sheds a few tears. He has to put up with a bit for frostiness for a while. Then what?

For the thrill of the chase that is a small price to pay no? Someone who can do this when the going is good, with so little consequence, will do it again.

You should get him to leave (IMO ONLY) so he can face consequences, tell her it is finished, with her, let him explain to friends and family.

It does not mean it has to be the end for you. But maybe losing you, the home and having the shame of telling people, may well give him the scare he needs. If he walks, or goes to her, he would have done anyway in time.

Totally agree with this. In the end, he has cross the line and he did because he didn't think of the consequences. That's bad enough, but if on top of it, he believes that he can get away with it that easily, how is he going to think twice next time temptation comes knocking on his door again.

Clearly something happened that made him cross the line. What was it? He needs to go through the hell that it will be for him if you leave him so he realises what fire he is playing with AND assess with you what lead him to even consider doing what he did AND take full responsibility for earning your trust again.

tinkerbell28

It's not his house. It's the marital home. It is your home too. If he respects you, he would give you space.

I'm going to be brutally honest again. Fear of asking him to leave "because it is his house". Or staying when he turns on the waterworks. Is setting you up for a life of heartache whilst being left holding the baby.

He isn't facing the music, because you are scared of the consequences of asking him to leave. He is not that bothered about the consequences of his actions, as there aren't any. So it isn't a great status quo.

You'll keep feeling like he isn't fussed, because he doesn't appear to be, it has not affected him.

FBaby

Of course he can refuse to move....but what would that say about him and his willingness to show you how sorry he truly is?

jellie

rocketqueen wrote: »

Think the reason I feel I can't ask him to go is the flat is entirely his, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage every month, and the majority of the bills, it's also solely his name on lease. I'm presuming us being married means I still have some say in the flat, but I'm sure he could refuse to leave if he really wanted too.

Thank you all again for all the support on this, I appreciate each and every bit of kindness you've all shown me, really I do xx

Really sorry to hear what you're going through. As regards the flat being his, presumably you pay other bills to enable him to pay the mortgage. You've been together along time, so must have come to an arrangement as to how your bills are split according to each of your salaries?

If you ask him to leave to give you space to think and he refuses because he feels the flat is 'his', then I think this further emphasises what kind of person he is. He should be doing anything and everything in his power to make this better for you and if that means finding somewhere else to stay for a few days, then that's what he should do.

kitrat

rocketqueen wrote: »

Think the reason I feel I can't ask him to go is the flat is entirely his, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage every month, and the majority of the bills, it's also solely his name on lease. I'm presuming us being married means I still have some say in the flat, but I'm sure he could refuse to leave if he really wanted too.

Thank you all again for all the support on this, I appreciate each and every bit of kindness you've all shown me, really I do xx

What bothers me most about this is him bragging to her in the text/email that you were at the end of the sofa and had no idea. From everything else you've said I wouldn't know if he was a good guy worth sticking around for or not, except for that one thing just screams "lack of respect for you" at me.

I mean I can kinda see how people end up cheating, but I'd expect most people to feel guilty enough about it not to want to say things like that, that's just awful. I don't think I could get past that bit.