devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

BugglyB

cheeswright wrote: »

If you "forgive" him could you trust him?
would you end up needing to see his phone all the time - having access to his email trying to check if he had new accounts - - would you be suddenly dropping home from work...all the time he gets to moan that you said it was over ...and yet you are turning into this needy psyco with absolutly no self esteem..
you really want a baby but cant quite bring yourself to trust him enough..
eventually you break up - its horrible - this time he gets to blame you...you never talked about his behaviour as it is now....so people take his side...after all your behaviours gotten very odd recently...you keep crying and screaming at him in public when he even looks at other women.......you even turned up wher he works....you got drunk and snogged his best friend at christmas in the pub - "so he would know what it felt like" ...then locked your self in the toilet and cried til someone took you home......

or maybe you send his texts to EVERYONE and say "my husband has behaved like an Ar** please feel free to tell him so... "

then at least he too has to live with what he's done....

Jesus.

Or maybe she doesn't pin all her self worth on her husband, perhaps she has a break from him then they go to counselling and he is remorseful and they get back together. Or don't.

Seriously OP, you don't need to feel like less of a woman if you don't chop his balls off and sling him onto the street. You know him, we don't.

FWIW I think if its his flat, he owns it and pays for it and you don't have children, I would be looking for somewhere else to stay, short term, with people who care about you and support you. At the moment I would be playing furious and unavailable.

paulineb_2

I actually think that people should take a step back and realise that this is the OPs decision to make and I absolutely understand why people are saying what they are.

But leaving him or asking him to leave has to be the OP's decision

I said it in an earlier post, there are people on this board whose partners have had affairs and stated that they dont want to leave and theyve had support

We know what the OP has told us and Ive no doubt she's telling the truth

But so far in this thread we've had people say, go and get an STI test, even though this couple havent met up.

There have been comments about how this wouldnt have been the first time

Seriously, how do any of us know this? Do people need to be painted as black as they can when theyve made a mistake

A monumental mistake, Im under no illusion that thats what this is

But people do have affairs, marriages and relationships do recover. And before anyone says I dont know what Im talking about because Ive never been married, thats right, but I have been cheated on

And the relationship didnt survive, but that was my decision. And that decision wasnt made in a few days, it took time. We are all different, I might think someone is ridiculous for staying with a cheating partner, but if they do stay and I care about them, then I have to respect that decision.

It is possible to work this through without him having to leave, for one it makes sense that they actually talk

Then they can see where they go from here. People can and do make ridiculous errors of judgement and what he has done isnt on.

But youve been together 12 years? I think if you want to go for counselling and try and save the marriage thats entirely up to you and if that is the decision you make, like anyone else on here who does decide to stay, people should support you even if they dont agree with you.

Theres nothing wrong with giving advice but when we start getting into the realms of, well he must have cheated before, he must have slept with people before?

None of us know this, its just an opinion. The fact is, what would have happened if this hadnt come out is irrelevant now, it has come out, even if shes found out in a really horrible way

As someone else said, he either steps up to the plate or he just !!!!!!s off.

But none of us know what kind of person he is. We arent the ones who have been with him for 12 years

People do make terrible mistakes, but some people can and do try and put things right, if the OP cant forgive, fair enough.

But if she can, thats for her to work out over time. I do hope you get the outcome you want OP.

Hes made a monumental balls up, that doesnt mean hes the worst person on the planet, it means hes an idiot.

And I would certainly be wanting to find out why he thought he would look elsewhere. Thats not a criticism of the OP at all, but obviously either hes a complete heel who doesnt care about her, or something isnt right with the marriage.

And thats where counselling might come in and try and sort out this sorry mess.

mountainofdebt

jacques_chirac wrote: »

A mistake is putting a pink shirt in with whites. Planning to have sex with your wife's friend is a little more serious than that.

yes but we don't have to live with the consequences of the OP making a judgement based on everyone here telling her to kick him out, change the locks (which I don't think anyway she'd be allowed to do) etc

alias*alibi

OP; not quite sure what to say here but I'd say that's pretty much how my OH's physical affair started; texting/emailing etc. My OH used to sit on the sofa with his phone and I'd catch him laughing or giggling; he said it was a mate texting jokes or something he was reading on the Internet. It wasn't; it was the OW. Now I had worked this out and challenged him before the full blown affair and he assured me it was all in my head etc; within 2 days be was gone; left me for her. I know my outcome was that she got her karma and my OH is back with me but there is not one day I don't think about it; that's 2 years on. Whether that's because there is a baby involved, who knows, but it never leaves me. Some days I think I should had just called it quits for peace of mind but I'm still here...plodding and existing. Only you know how you feel and whether its worth the gamble.

Hugs x

tinkerbell28

Who has said kick him out and change the locks?

I think people have said that maybe op needs space to work out what is best for HER. Especially if he is making her feel it is no big deal, which is upsetting. Sure it will have the added advantage of showing him consequences.

Which long term, if they work it out can only be a good thing.

rocketqueen

I appreciate all answers (and the variety of them) and I knew I'd get some varying replys when I posted the 1st post.

Truth is at this moment at time I don't know what the future holds for us - I haven't got a clue, I know I'm going to find trusting him again hard if not impossible, but it is very early days, think to some extent I'm still in shock that this is actually real.

Sorry can't remember who asked (and on my phone so can't scroll back far) but he pays the majority of bills and mortgage, as he earns FAR more then me (over double my salary) I transfer a proportion of the costs to his bank every month - he's always been more then happy with this, as have I.

It's not a case that he wouldn't leave if asked, I just don't feel happy to ask that - tho again this may change in days to come. Not sure why not - maybe I'm just struggling to come to terms with situation and that its real.

I know everyone will think I'm just saying this but it is out of character completely for him to do this sort of thing - his best mate was on phone to me earlier telling me how shocked he'd been when hubby told him what had happened. Apparently on his stag night he was reluctant to go into a lap dancing club in case I was upset by it - tho of ciurse his friend could just be saying this to cover for him, but I know the guy fairly well and he did seem genuinely shocked by husbands behavior.

Dimey

rocketqueen wrote: »

Think the reason I feel I can't ask him to go is the flat is entirely his, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage every month, and the majority of the bills, it's also solely his name on lease. I'm presuming us being married means I still have some say in the flat, but I'm sure he could refuse to leave if he really wanted too.>>>

Rockqueen, as you are pondering on your situation, should you think more broadly about your relationship as a whole? Your comment above is rather unusual for a married person.

Most married people will consider themselves equal partners. Their home will be theirs together. Funding of the home just won't be uppermost in the mind. Whatever was agreed when finances were first merged will run underneath and won't make one partner feel beholden to the other.

You shouldn't be afraid to suggest your husband gives you some breathing space just because his money pays the mortgage etc.

Maybe this isn't an accurate reflection of your relationship but I thought it worth mentioning.

j.e.j.

The flat belongs to both of you if you are married. But you may or may not be married anymore. I'd be inclined to get him to move out for a while. He shouldn't have a problem with this. It's his own doing.

I wouldn't go by the 'best friend', tbh. He's most probably trying to smooth things over.

You've seen for yourself the text messages. You KNOW what he said to the other woman and what most probably would have happened, had you not caught him at it.

Dimey

rocketqueen wrote: »

>>>>
I know everyone will think I'm just saying this but it is out of character completely for him to do this sort of thing - his best mate was on phone to me earlier telling me how shocked he'd been when hubby told him what had happened. Apparently on his stag night he was reluctant to go into a lap dancing club in case I was upset by it - tho of ciurse his friend could just be saying this to cover for him, but I know the guy fairly well and he did seem genuinely shocked by husbands behavior.

You need time to get your head clear of the shock and analysed sufficiently so that you can engage in deep conversation with your husband.

The character his friend describes sounds great. Why is your husband not fighting for you as hard as his friend is? Why is your husband not as shocked by his behaviour as his friend is?

The answer to all this and more will gradually come out when you are ready to sit and talk.
Take your time. You're in the driving seat now.

Bennifred

I wonder what his mother would say if she knew? :think: