devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

Bennifred

ViolaLass wrote: »

Seriously, running to his mother because he had an affair??

What need is there to involve the mother at this point? The OP hasn't decided what she wants to do yet. If they stay together and the mother knows, it could make things difficult.

Well it just might make him think again about his "mistake" :mad: He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously enough at the moment. Maybe he needs someone who isn't afraid of the repercussions to tell it like it is!

FBaby

I know everyone will think I'm just saying this but it is out of character completely for him to do this sort of thing

And to me that makes it worse If it is so out of character, why did he do it? That's what I would be asking myself over and over if I was in your shoes. What would lead a man, who has shown no signs of having cheated in the past, of being of a flirty nature or volatile, or oversexed to start such a relationship, with seemingly no or very little shame since he could do it right next to you and finding it funny?

I think what is missing from you so far, probably because as you've said, you are still shocked my it all is anger. Anger will take over the fear of the situation and its consequences. You deserve to be angry, he deserves to see you angry.

jellyhead

ostrichnomore wrote: »

'It would be wise to get yourself checked for STD's'

I second this. They may or may not have slept together already. Or engaged in some sort of activity if not intercourse. My ex swore blind he hadn't actually slept with the 'other woman' and I sometimes believe him, sometimes don't. It's not worth the risk even if you do 100% believe him, especially if you want to have children in future as some can be symptomless but damage your fertility.

Go to the clinic and get checked up. It isn't nearly as bad as you think, it's all anonymous and non-judgemental, in fact they were very sympathetic to me. Just to put your mind at rest and to know you are safe.

I was cheated on in the past. It was a drunken one off, and I stayed with him for another 2 years afterwards. It wasn't the reason we split up.

But, rather than going for tests myself I went with him so that HE could get tested at the GUM clinic. He was the one who'd taken the risk with a girl who slept around, not me. He was the one who had swabs taken from inside his penis.

jellyhead

What a horrible shock, OP

I know you don't feel that you can ask him to leave, but if it were me I think I'd feel sick while I was at work, imagining the pair of them meeting up anyhow in the marital bed.

Has he promised not to?

rocketqueen

He's promised not to be in contact again (tho he's hardly going to say otherwise,) but I'm dreading work on Saturday as I know I'll be wondering what he's up to the whole time. Especially as that appeared to be the day they had ear marked to meet up. But then I'm finding it hard to be with him to, as everytime his phone makes a noise I'm wondering if its her....

Dreading bedtime as, as soon as there's no distractions i start going over it all in my mind and getting upset.

I won't be telling his mum at this stage, as I have no idea what the outcome will be, nor will I lie to her if I do ask him to leave what he tells people is his problem.

I think angry will come next, as still shook up at moment.

Dimey

I've said it before - if he does meet up with her Saturday then you know where you are with him.

But its unlikely now the circumstances have changed, isn't it?

Hopefully he'll spend the day reflecting on the error of his ways.

marisco_2

I hope you do manage to get some sleep tonight OP. Over night is always the worse time to be consumed with upsets and worries, especially if you are over tired from lack of sleep due to stress. Would it help to see your gp and see if they can help at all?

Mojisola

rocketqueen wrote: »

I know everyone will think I'm just saying this but it is out of character completely for him to do this sort of thing

"Out of character" to me is a drunken snog or a one night stand on a business trip, not regular, repeated contact with someone, done while you were in the room with him, and careful planning ahead such as listing your work rota.

poorly_scammo

ViolaLass wrote: »

Seriously, running to his mother because he had an affair??

I've quoted this not because I'm having a go at ViolaLass but because I'm using her comment as a prompt.

I see nothing wrong with the following, "I've just found out that your son (insert name) has been arranging to have sex with another woman. I want you to know this because I've asked him to leave while I have some space to think about things and that I'm aware that he might come to see you and thought you should know what is going on."

The ball is in his court then.

Oh btw, the whole 'she's sitting on the sofa' thing would cause the red mist to descend for me. I'd be furious!

litheplay

@rocketqueen: you can decide to forgive him if you think you can live with him from now on without trusting him. It's also naive to think he won't do it again, especially if you forgive him - he'll just be more careful next time.