devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

RAS

Hi

Since you are married and have been together so long (even if only married 18 months), the flat is an asset of the marriage. If you split up, the chances are that he would have to pay you half the equity even though the property is in his name only.

I think you need to start a bug-out fund just so you have choices in the future.

And to put baby making on the back burner for a while.

j.e.j.

rocketqueen wrote: »

OCS FAN - we are still under same roof, he's being"ok" - answering all the random questions I fire his way, but I really feel as though he's thinking that as I didn't walk yesterday, all will be forgotten about in few days....clearly it won't, but that attitude makes me think he doesn't fully appreciate the seriousness of situation. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong and he's giving me space - I'm so confused I just don't know anymore.

this ^^

the longer you leave it, the less chance he'll take you seriously.

Either kick him out, or, if you've got somewhere else to go and you don't mind leaving, go yourself.

Is he still sexting the other woman? Maybe he's wised up to letting you look at his phone again now.

Person_one

rocketqueen wrote: »

I know everyone will think I'm just saying this but it is out of character completely for him to do this sort of thing - his best mate was on phone to me earlier telling me how shocked he'd been when hubby told him what had happened. Apparently on his stag night he was reluctant to go into a lap dancing club in case I was upset by it - tho of ciurse his friend could just be saying this to cover for him, but I know the guy fairly well and he did seem genuinely shocked by husbands behavior.

A person's real character is revealed in what they do when they think nobody's looking.

However out of character it might seem, he did it. He really did do it, again and again over a period of time while you were sitting on the couch thinking he was keeping his promises to you.

rocketqueen

Think the reason I think of it as his flat is more in my head then his, as he was left the money for the deposit by his grandma and moved in by himself in the very early days of our rship - so I think its more my thinking that its "his" if that makes sense?

I have no idea if he's been in communication with her any more, tho I can suspect he'd have at least warned her that I now know. Obviously he's told me he won't, but not sure how much his word is worth right now.

His mother would go mental and be on my side, of this I have NO doubt, she's a scary women but would be appalled by his behaviour.

claire16c

I really think you need to tell him to leave for a few days to give you some space. Who pays the bills is irrelevant.

Bennifred

rocketqueen wrote: »

........................
His mother would go mental and be on my side, of this I have NO doubt, she's a scary women but would be appalled by his behaviour.

And is there any reason why she SHOULDN'T know? It would certainly bring home to him the seriousness of what he's done. After all, if he hadn't done anything to be ashamed off there'd be nothing to tell, would there?

I tell my sons that if they don't do anything they wouldn't want me to know about they won't go far wrong.....:o

neverdespairgirl

paulineb wrote: »

But so far in this thread we've had people say, go and get an STI test, even though this couple havent met up.

There have been comments about how this wouldnt have been the first time

Seriously, how do any of us know this? Do people need to be painted as black as they can when theyve made a mistake

I said that. I stand by it.

You say, "the couple haven't met up" but you don't know that. I didn't say that this wouldn't have been the first time, but I did say there's a risk it wouldn't be.

When someone's caught cheating and there is no evidence that they've had a physical affair, and he admits the affair but says "not yet" about sex, I think it's right and careful to be dubious about that. As I've said before, the OP's husband has been caught being inconsiderate, unloving, disrespectful, and, most importantly, dishonest, lying, and a cheat.

Put that together, and the OP would be very well-advised, in my view, to have urgent STD checks. Not because I know he's had sex with this woman, or someone else, but because the real risk of that having happened has emerged, and the OP needs to guard her sexual health.

I'm not one of those saying "chuck him out", and I also think the OP should think hard before she tells too many friends / family. Marriages can recover from an affair, sometimes, and the more people OP tells in her initial distress, the more people she might feel she has to justify her decision to stay if that's what she makes.

I do think the OP would benefit from some time alone, to think through the awful thing which has happened, but I mean that in a "short break" sense, not a "chuck him out for good" sense.


I dislike the use of hte word "mistake" in this scenario. A mistake is something that happens pretty much by accident. I'd have thought that the only way that a marriage can recover properly from an affair is where the cheating partner doesn't talk about his "mistake", and nor does anyone else, but his "decisions" or "choices". Because that's what they were.

zippybungle

If you were trying for a baby, please stop and take precautions as you will be riding an emotional roller coaster for the next few days/weeks/months.

Zippy x

ViolaLass

Bennifred wrote: »

And is there any reason why she SHOULDN'T know? It would certainly bring home to him the seriousness of what he's done. After all, if he hadn't done anything to be ashamed off there'd be nothing to tell, would there?

I tell my sons that if they don't do anything they wouldn't want me to know about they won't go far wrong.....:o

Seriously, running to his mother because he had an affair??

What need is there to involve the mother at this point? The OP hasn't decided what she wants to do yet. If they stay together and the mother knows, it could make things difficult.

Anselm

The guy made a fool out of you for his own enjoyment. He mocked you, he belittled you and he showed an absolute lack of respect for you.

If it were a drunken one night stand, then fair enough perhaps you could say it was a mistake, but he deviously plotted what he was going to do in a calculated, sinister manner. This was no accident.

I'd ask him to leave and give you space so you can mull things over, if he were really sorry and serious about restoring trust, he'd do it.

Also, I'd let the husband know what his has been up to, but do it in a kind manner after letting the dolts sweat.