devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

GBNI

You poor thing I hope you can find the strength to make the right decision. I wouldn't contact the other woman if I were you. Hold your head high and don't bring yourself down to that level.

I found out my ex-fiance was doing something very similar. Cried, begged etc for me to give him a second chance. I did and it only lasted a further month before I broke it off for good. There was no chance of getting the trust back. I was so paranoid every time he was on a computer or using his mobile.

OCS_Fan

I really feel for you and understand what you are going through. I have recently caught my partner out telling lies and the lies have led to mistrust and massive hurt. He is also very sorry, assuring me it will never happen again. My relationship has 10 years invested in it and seems worth saving when I have no real evidence, together with his denial that he hasn't ever been 'physical' with someone else during our relationship. Nevertheless, it is the premeditated side of it that I am battling with. He just was found out. Will he do it again when the dust clears? Is forgiving him, allowing him to think I always will?

It's early days for both of us but I know one thing - my eyes are wide open. I will always struggle to take anything he says at face value. I'm extremely sad about this.

Some fantastic advice on here but ultimately, take care of yourself. Think about you over the next few days and weeks. I wish you all the best OP x x

sportbeth

Big hugs to you, I've been in your shoes (and as a newlywed so I know how it feels, and every sickening thought that you're having - one of my ex's messages said "I'm texting you in the loo! haha!")

If I were in your shoes I'd take copies of the messages, send her a message saying "I've got copies of your sordid affair with my hubby, now I'm going to take my time and think about whether or not your husband needs to know". Then think about what you want to do. For at least a week or so. The stress will be unbearable for her.

It sounds b*tchy and childish, but when it was me I wanted her to feel the pain for deliberately entering into an affair for my husband with no thought for anyone else.

Ballabriggs

Marisco, I understand where you are coming from completely and if the other women was a stranger then I would totally agree with you. However, this lady was a so called friend who the OP may or may not run into again or have to see.

Whilst I agree it's not necessarily the usual prescribed way of dealing with issues like this, i think the difference here is that the other woman knows the OP in her own right not as some vague wife of way and has decided to become a negative influence on her marriage. she has either enjoyed the power she has gotten from the ' I know something you don't about your husband' or is just a spiteful person who enjoys toying with people's lives, either way the other woman has gotten a power kick out of it, especially in the 'my wife is sitting at the other end of the sofa' emails.

In the past I have taken the 'walk away with dignity path' and have not said anything and then later on i've ended up frustrated. Then years later, the next time something negative happened again I decided to try and take a different route and take some power back. i decided to say exactly what I thought in a calm and reasonable manner, not highly emotional or ranting just calm and dignified and to this day I have not regretted it. I feel strong and empowered every time I think about it, it had a very positive effect at a difficult time.

It's not an easy thing to do and if you don't do it in a calm way, I.e. deliver you thoughts and then walk away without getting involved in a tit for tat, then it doesn't work. But done properly it can bring about great closure.

OP you may not be close to doing this at the moment because things are very raw but have a think about what you would say and how you would say it if you saw her again.

Whatever you decide, really feel for you at the moment x

rozmister

I've never been married but once when I was young (17) I was briefly someone's mistress. I was very young and naive and I believed him when he said he loved me and I believed him when he said he'd tell his partner soon just as soon as her cat got better/she sat her finals for her last year of uni/her little brother was back at school/etc. Clearly it was not one of my proudest moments!!

However it taught me a very valuable lesson...people who cheat on their partners will always cheat on their partners. They're weak, selfish, calculating and devious. They're often charming too and they see no reason why they shouldn't have their cake and eat it. They won't tell their partners they're a cheat unless they have to and if they're caught they're always sorry but only because they were caught not because they cheated. There are thousands of moments when they could have stopped and felt remorse and realised the damage they were doing but they carry on because the most important person in their life is themselves and carrying on makes them happy (sexually).

Your partner showed no respect for you, he showed no respect for your marriage and he showed no respect for your friend's husband. If that's the kind of person you would like to spend the rest of your life with then consider taking him back. But you will have to accept that this will torture you for years to come.

Personally I'd pack his stuff and tell him to find somewhere else to stay. I wouldn't have a public showdown with anyone because the very idea makes my skin crawl (hate that kind of thing) but I would tell his mistress's husband about it and show him the emails in a discreet kind way. He has a right to know what his wife is like, otherwise she'll do it again in five years time and break his heart further down the line.

I hope you manage to do what's right for you xx

itsanne

I think you would be right to let the husband know, but a couple of suggestions here would be satisfying in the sense of dropping her in it but cruel to him. He will presumably be hurt as you are - there's no need to make things even worse for him.

If he doesn't believe you or wants to see the texts, then would be the time to show him.

Definitely take some time to yourself, but by your "OH" staying elsewhere not you having to make the move, and get tested.

Why should you protect him from his own outrageous behaviour by not telling the mutual friends who could support you? Hell mend him. (Notice that we're all angry on your behalf!)

Ultimately only you can decide if you want to give him another chance. Take whatever time you need to make that decision.

Please take care of yourself.

RuthnJasper

rozmister wrote: »

I've never been married but once when I was young (17) I was briefly someone's mistress. I was very young and naive and I believed him when he said he loved me and I believed him when he said he'd tell his partner soon just as soon as her cat got better/she sat her finals for her last year of uni/her little brother was back at school/etc. Clearly it was not one of my proudest moments!!

However it taught me a very valuable lesson...people who cheat on their partners will always cheat on their partners. They're weak, selfish, calculating and devious. They're often charming too and they see no reason why they shouldn't have their cake and eat it. They won't tell their partners they're a cheat unless they have to and if they're caught they're always sorry but only because they were caught not because they cheated. There are thousands of moments when they could have stopped and felt remorse and realised the damage they were doing but they carry on because the most important person in their life is themselves and carrying on makes them happy (sexually).

Your partner showed no respect for you, he showed no respect for your marriage and he showed no respect for your friend's husband. If that's the kind of person you would like to spend the rest of your life with then consider taking him back. But you will have to accept that this will torture you for years to come.

Personally I'd pack his stuff and tell him to find somewhere else to stay. I wouldn't have a public showdown with anyone because the very idea makes my skin crawl (hate that kind of thing) but I would tell his mistress's husband about it and show him the emails in a discreet kind way. He has a right to know what his wife is like, otherwise she'll do it again in five years time and break his heart further down the line.

I hope you manage to do what's right for you xx

You're right. They do say that a man who marries his mistress is creating a new vacancy...

paulineb_2

Dimey wrote: »

I like this solution. I wish I'd done this when it happened to me.

I wouldnt do that, the husband in this scenario doesnt need to be hurt by all of this just so someone can feel better

But I would let the woman know that you know what theyve been up to.

Person_one

paulineb wrote: »

I wouldnt do that, the husband in this scenario doesnt need to be hurt by all of this just so someone can feel better

But I would let the woman know that you know what theyve been up to.

You don't think he deserves to know what he's married to?

paulineb_2

Person_one wrote: »

You don't think he deserves to know what he's married to?

I dont think anyone apart from his own wife needs to be the one to tell him.

The OP's issue is with her marriage, thats the priority in all of this, sorting it out one way or another, staying or leaving.

Telling the husband and watching hell break loose might make you feel better for a nano second, but then you've got someone elses pain to deal with as well.

He might deserve to know, I dont think it should be the OP who spills the beans, it should be his wife.