devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

LannieDuck

Honey, the most important person at the moment is you. You need to take an hour to calm down, have a quiet bath and something to eat. Put something mindless on the TV and just try to relax for 30 mins.

You've got the day off today, and I assume your OH is out of the house? So take some time to look after yourself and you might be able to think more clearly.

Wickedkitten

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks everyone - I agree the mental cheating feels worse then if he'd got drunk and slept with a stranger after a night out.

The thought also keeps going through my mind (sorry if this is TMI) that as the messages were so explicit, he was urm "getting excited" from them and going to bed with me - if that makes sense??

I just don't get it, we have a good "bedroom life" and he's not missing out on anything in that sense.

I resisted the urge to post on the women's Facebook page calling her every name under the sun, as I quite wanted her husband to find out as nasty as that seems. But I haven't done anything so don't know if she's even aware I've found out. Tho she asked in one of the messages to him if I knew what his Facebook log in details were - so minds wandering as to what lies in his PM on there.

Part of me believes he's genuinely sorry but I really don't know.

I get the urge to cuss her out, but if there is anyone who should be the bearer of your vitriol, it should be your no good husband (mind that still wouldn't have stopped me from printing out the emails and having a word with her husband)

bananapop

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. What angers me is the fact that he's said nothing has happened "in real life." What else is it?!

I think he's sorry he got caught. He knew exactly what he was doing. It's ultimately up to you what you want to do but I wouldn't put up with that.

Mojisola

lindsaygalaxy wrote: »

If you can, pack your stuff and move out for a couple of days, take yourself away from the situation.

As for telling her, he probably already has. However, I would confront her. When she was doing this she wasn't thinking about you as u were not there, she needs to confront you in person and see the Hirt.

Why should you leave? Do you want to leave the door open for her to rush round and comfort him?

Tell him to find somewhere else to stay while you sort your feelings out. At least then, if they get together, it won't be in your bed.

Personally, I wouldn't confront her face-to-face but I would have to let her husband know what was happening. A meeting could turn into, at best, a horrible slanging match and, at worst, punches could be thrown.

marisco_2

rocketqueen wrote: »

I resisted the urge to post on the women's Facebook page calling her every name under the sun, as I quite wanted her husband to find out as nasty as that seems. But I haven't done anything so don't know if she's even aware I've found out.

Good on you for having the dignity and presence of mind not to go down that route. It is easy at times like this to let your anger and emotions get the better of you. This can lead you to say or do things that you later regret. Try to stay as calm as you can and remain true to yourself. That way however you decide to proceed from here you can be proud of how you conducted yourself and that you didn't stoop to the levels of those around you who have treated you awfully.

j.e.j.

OP don't leave your home, you've done nothing wrong. He can kip on a friend's sofa until things are sorted out.

I agree the woman's husband has a right to know (if he doesn't already) but how to tell him? I suppose print out the messages in case she tries to deny it.

Dimey

rocketqueen wrote: »

>>>>

I haven't told anyone what's happened apart from one work colleague (as I have called in sick today, which I now regret, as too much time to think.)

We've been together so long (12 years in total) that the majority of our friends are mutual and doesn't feel right to bring them into it.

Family wise I have only my mum and she's away till the 2nd week of September, so I don't really have anyone to talk too (partly why I posted on here.)

Just can't stop crying, haven't slept since I found out on Sunday evening and don't think I've ate since then either.

This isn't your guilty secret. There's no need for you to keep quiet like you are complicit. Seek the support of your friends and family.

It's probably for the best that you have taken the day off. You need to give this thought and crying time. You've suffered a horrendous shock so you need to take care of yourself.

rocketqueen

I'm fairly sure they were planning to meet up this weekend as I'm doing long days at work Saturday and bank holiday Monday - these were the times mentioned. How the hell I'm going to go to work on both those days now, wondering what he's up to.

My anger/upset is 90% directed at him and 10% at her, as what he has done to me is far worse if that makes sense?

I took screen shots on my phone of a selection of the messages so emailing them to her husband is fairly tempting.

lilymay1

As others have said - he isn't sorry he behaved like a moron, he's sorry you found out. From what you've said it would have gone a lot further had he not been caught.

Personally, I would tell her husband. He has a right to know his wife is a cheat. Reverse the roles - would you want him to tell you if he had been the one to have found the emails?

If you ask him to leave, which you should, expect him to see her and meet up with her. It'll almost certainly happen especially if her husband has also done the same thing.

You have my sympathies. It must be such a terrible shock. Find family and friends who can support you. As someone else said, this isn't your dirty little secret and you have no reason to bottle everything up.

neneromanova

If it was me in this situation, I'd pack his stuff up, take it to this "friends" house when her husband is in and just say if she wants him she can keep him.

I would NEVER trust a cheater again. It would always be in my mind that he could do it again, what was he doing at that point, who's he texting, is he seeing another woman, is he thinking of another woman. It would drive me round the bend.