devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

itsanne

peachyprice wrote: »

You'd be sleeping in the same bed as him?

I missed the original. Surely not! :eek:

bedroll

Rocketqueen I was almost in tears reading your original post, it reminded me vividly of the situation I was in 2 years ago, although it was with a long-term boyfriend not a husband. It is devastating to find out that someone you love and trust turns out to be a completely different person. I was absolutely in pieces and couldn't think straight and didn't know what to do with myself. The person I was in love with was a lie and didn't really exist. It took a long time for me to come to my senses and leave him for good, he did the same as in your situation: cried a lot then acted like everything was ok again. He even made me feel like I was blowing it out of proportion and being unreasonable, and for a while I thought he might be right.

You are doing the right thing to get out of the house, you need space to get your head straight and get the distance from him so that you can see more objectively what he has done and that there is no excuse for it and no forgiveness. You deserve so much better and although it's the hardest thing ever right now, I promise things get better. I thought I'd never trust again, and of course I still have some trust issues - that sort of betrayal doesn't just disappear from memory. But I'm with someone new now who is understanding and who treats me properly. I have never been happier and I wish for you the same happy ending as I've had.

Big big hugs from me, you will get through it and rebuild yourself once you've left him behind.

VestanPance

itsanne wrote: »

Now that sounds like an excellent idea!

It really doesn't. It's petty passive aggressive behaviour.

Domestic assaults (that's what intentionally kneeing/hitting people in their sleep are), leaving notes, or any other form of retaliation are insanely stupid ideas.

The OP needs to decide if she can trust her partner again and if she even wants to continue in a relationship with that person after this betrayal. If not she needs to sort out the separation. Walk away with her head held high having not lowered herself to petty retaliation, in the months and years to come that's the best thing she can do for her own mental well being. If she decides to give him another chance they need to talk through it. Not bottle up her anger and show her hurt through passive aggressive actions.

If I was in her shoes I'd be walking away, but that decision is something only she can come to.

duchy

I do thinkl you are wise getting some space to think....I also think as he is currently in ostrich mode it may wake him up to how serious it is.

I admit my ex went into ostrich mode-with hindsight I think he has always thought of himself as a "good guy" and couldn't face what he had done -weirdly I got a sincere apology two years later ...after someone did the same to him and he finally "got it". Men simply aren't wired like women I think and what seems obvious to us shouldn't be assumed as obvious to them !

At the time although I still loved him - I realized I had lost all respect for him and I simply couldn't live with someone who I had no respect for and who I considered a complete hypocrite (he had always said cheats were the lowest of low). I know some marriages can and do get past situations like this and recover -In some ways I wish ours could have done - but it wasn't going to happen as he showed no real remorse or understanding for the damage he had done apparently - even if it was denial rather than callousness (Like I said this is with hindsight -I wasn't nearly so logical at the time and I think had we taken space from each other and then talked perhaps we could have worked things through ..perhaps not but the claustrophobia of been in the same house with "it" between us did nothing for either of us mentally or emotionally.)

Mojisola

VestanPance wrote: »

It's petty passive aggressive behaviour.

Domestic assaults (that's what intentionally kneeing/hitting people in their sleep are), leaving notes, or any other form of retaliation are insanely stupid ideas.

That's only if it's a repeated method of communicating with another person.

A one-off move of printing off and putting his words in a place where he can see them so that he has to face up to and talk about what he's trying to pretend didn't happen is not petty behaviour.

VestanPance

Mojisola wrote: »

That's only if it's a repeated method of communicating with another person.

A one-off move of printing off and putting his words in a place where he can see them so that he has to face up to and talk about what he's trying to pretend didn't happen is not petty behaviour.

Or you could be an adult and have a discussion about it. Even as a one off that's a petty passive aggressive action. If you can't have a discussion the relationship is already dead.

Mojisola

VestanPance wrote: »

Or you could be an adult and have a discussion about it. Even as a one off that's a petty passive aggressive action. If you can't have a discussion the relationship is already dead.

You can only have a discussion if the other person takes part.

If making him facing up to what he's done gets him talking, that's better than just walking away without ever talking things through.

VestanPance

Mojisola wrote: »

You can only have a discussion if the other person takes part.

If making him facing up to what he's done gets him talking, that's better than just walking away without ever talking things through.

In my opinion what has been suggest is nothing but childish passive aggressive behaviour. It's not a productive way to initiate a discussion. If a couple has to resort to such behaviour then their relationship is truly broken.

Mojisola

VestanPance wrote: »

In my opinion what has been suggest is nothing but childish passive aggressive behaviour. It's not a productive way to initiate a discussion.

That's fine. It's alright for us to disagree.

marisco_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I'd be tempted to print out the exchanges between them and stick them on the fridge or the bathroom mirror or somewhere else where he can't ignore them.

If he really understands what he's done, he would be devastated at how stupid he's been and how much he's upset you and how he's put his marriage at risk - it doesn't sound as if he all that worried.

I disagree. All this would achieve is to send a message to the husband just how hurt and angry the OP is. Something he should be able to clearly recognise and acknowledge without the need for any petty behaviour. It could instantly create a barrier to him feeling able to approach her and trying to talk things through together. So the vicious circle of being in limbo and not addressing things would just continue.