devastated as husband been "cheating" on me

sportbeth

re the "telling the other hubby" debate:- When it was me in the situation I pondered that on here and asked for advice. In the end I did tell him and he thanked me for letting him know. He told me that he would much rather know that he was living with a liar and a cheat than not know.

If I was with someone I would want to know as well.

Treevo

duchy wrote: »

There's a lot of nonsense talked on here about how it is "his" flat. It's the marital home and both are equally entitled to stay there legally.....Morally -may be different . I wonder if the OP has actually ASKED her husband to stay somewhere else for a few days ?

A bit of space to think would probably be good for both of them at this point.

The flat is in his name and he pays for it. The OP could not afford to live there otherwise.

The only nonsense being talked about is how she should throw him out, change the locks and live happily ever after without him. She may well be able to live happily ever after without him (indeed I think she should) but she'll find herself in a very dodgy position if she tries to make him pay for her new life as some here seem to be suggesting.

BugglyB

Treevo wrote: »

The flat is in his name and he pays for it. The OP could not afford to live there otherwise.

The only nonsense being talked about is how she should throw him out, change the locks and live happily ever after without him. She may well be able to live happily ever after without him (indeed I think she should) but she'll find herself in a very dodgy position if she tries to make him pay for her new life as some here seem to be suggesting.

Think some people still under the impression that being a married woman means you are entitled to be 'kept' whether you have children or not.

Dimey

Treevo wrote: »

The flat is in his name and he pays for it. The OP could not afford to live there otherwise.

The only nonsense being talked about is how she should throw him out, change the locks and live happily ever after without him. She may well be able to live happily ever after without him (indeed I think she should) but she'll find herself in a very dodgy position if she tries to make him pay for her new life as some here seem to be suggesting.

Treevo - see my post 195

I really don't think anyone is suggesting this, least of all Rocketqueen.

jackie_w

Hi OP,

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

MY husband had an affair 6 years ago. I had an idea he was cheating on me, and I did ask him about it, but he denied it. Then I happened to check his phone a few weeks later and the proof was there. So he could have ended it, but he didn't.

Like your husband he was crying his eyes out, saying he was sorry, nothing happened, it was only phone calls, texting and he kissed her once!!

I did speak to the other woman because it was something I had to do, I felt at the time it was the right thing for me, however, she just messed with my head, contradicting what my husband told me.

I'm still with my husband, but being completely honest, I only stayed with him because of my children. We had just moved to a new house, all our savings were ploughed into the house and his business, so I had no where to go, no family I could move in with, he wouldn't have left the house. I did go to see a lawyer and he basically told me with my husband being self employed he could hide his earnings, he didnt need to move out, could have made things difficult for me, and to expect a fight etc. So I stayed because it was easier for my kids.

I do love my husband but I don't love him like I used to because that man I loved is gone, he's not the man I thought he was. I don't think he will ever cheat on me again, but I don't trust him. I had given him a gift of trust and he basically threw it away, it's a gift I won't give him again. Sometimes even now I wished I hadn't stayed because I hate myself for it, but I have to remember that I didn't stay for me, I stayed for my children. he does know that I feel differently about him now than I used to, but he says he is fine with that, so long as we are together!!!!! I can also say 100% if I didn't have children, I would have left him, and again my husband knows this. At the time of me finding out about his affair, I wasn't on any contraception, we were also trying for a baby. As soon as I found out about the affair I was straight down to the doctors, to get checked for STD's (even though he said nothing happened, the other woman said it did), and to get on the pill. We never did have another baby, because I didn't feel it was fair to bring another baby into the family when I didn't love my husband the way I should. I do grieve for this baby that I never had, but then that was MY choice.

No one can advise you what to do. You have to do what's best for yourself. The only thing I can say is that it will be a tough road ahead of you no matter what you decide to do, your emotions will be all over the place, and they will eat you up inside.

all the best, and take care of yourself xx

rocketqueen

Thank you all for your posts.

Just to clarify, I have no intentions of expecting my husband to "support me" if we end our marriage. I would want nothing from him and be quite happy for him to keep the flat etc. I am not a "kept" women, I work more hours then he does (just in a poorly paid industry) and he was fortunate to get a very well paid job a couple of years back .

I've decided one of us do need to leave temporarily as I can't do this anymore, I will speak to him tonight to discuss which one of us goes. This is tearing me apart and I can't go on being in same room as him at moment.

aileth

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thank you all for your posts.

Just to clarify, I have no intentions of expecting my husband to "support me" if we end our marriage. I would want nothing from him and be quite happy for him to keep the flat etc. I am not a "kept" women, I work more hours then he does (just in a poorly paid industry) and he was fortunate to get a very well paid job a couple of years back .

I've decided one of us do need to leave temporarily as I can't do this anymore, I will speak to him tonight to discuss which one of us goes. This is tearing me apart and I can't go on being in same room as him at moment.

Wish you the best of luck, RQ. I hope it goes well and you get the outcome you deserve.

spirit

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thank you all for your posts.

Just to clarify, I have no intentions of expecting my husband to "support me" if we end our marriage. I would want nothing from him and be quite happy for him to keep the flat etc. I am not a "kept" women, I work more hours then he does (just in a poorly paid industry) and he was fortunate to get a very well paid job a couple of years back .

I've decided one of us do need to leave temporarily as I can't do this anymore, I will speak to him tonight to discuss which one of us goes. This is tearing me apart and I can't go on being in same room as him at moment.

How is he reacting to you rocketqueen when you get upset/wake in the night etc. Is he caring and apologetic or does he turn it around to be all 'woe is me' instead?

The answer will tell you a lot.

tinkerbell28

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thank you all for your posts.

Just to clarify, I have no intentions of expecting my husband to "support me" if we end our marriage. I would want nothing from him and be quite happy for him to keep the flat etc. I am not a "kept" women, I work more hours then he does (just in a poorly paid industry) and he was fortunate to get a very well paid job a couple of years back .

I've decided one of us do need to leave temporarily as I can't do this anymore, I will speak to him tonight to discuss which one of us goes. This is tearing me apart and I can't go on being in same room as him at moment.

That is what is best I think. You really need space and people who care for you, to process what has happened and decide what is best for YOU.

Whether that means work it out or not, you can't do that whilst it is eating you up and he is not showing any remorse.

Nenen

I've just read all through this thread and I really feel for you Rocketqueen. I am glad to hear you are thinking of finding a way to spend some time away from your husband to give yourself some space and, hopefully, to look after yourself. I agree with PPs that this was definitely not a 'mistake' or something which 'just happened'; it was a deliberate decision to betray you, compounded by the way he chose to laugh at you behind your back.

My sister was in a similar position to you, as she too found her partner (at the time they had been living together for less than a year) had been sexting another woman 60+ times per day over a period of several weeks/months. To add insult to injury, a lot of the sexts were sent when he told my sister he was 'unavoidably detained at work' and my sister was left looking after his two children from his previous marriage (this was a man who had apparently been devastated when his first wife left him for another man and was devoted to his two children). In fact work was the last thing on his mind as his online mobile bill showed by the times texts were sent and received that he was in fact spending an hour or more sending these sexts back and forth! :mad:. She found this out when he left his mobile bill showing on his laptop while he went to the loo and when she glanced at it, it caught her eye that the same number had been texted over and over again.

At first, like you, she went into shock, while he cried and begged forgiveness, promising nothing like this would ever happen again. She stuck it out for a few days but she felt overwhelmed by his deceit so, without really thinking things through, she just packed a suitcase and drove 200 miles to my house, where she arrived totally unexpectedly, late one evening. It wasn't until the next day that she told me what had happened and admitted that she had walked out without telling him or our parents (they lived next door to her) where she was going.

She was adamant that she needed time away from him and them (our parents thought the sun shone out of his &&&&, despite knowing what he'd done, and were pressurising her to forgive him). She didn't want to speak to him at all. I persuaded her to let me telephone him just to let him know that she was safe and that she would be in contact when she felt ready.

I must say that although she hadn't planned this, it was a fantastic way of getting through to him the enormity of what he'd done and how close he was to losing her. When I spoke to him he was beside himself with worry as he had no idea where she had gone and had been 'phoning round all her friends etc. I was icily polite to him and it was clear he felt an absolute fool (at least he got one thing right)! She stayed with me for several days until she felt strong enough to make the decision to go back to talk to him.

I'm now wondering whether it would be worth you considering taking similar action - just pack a bag and go away for a few days without telling your husband and let him worry and stew about where you are and what will happen next. Although it is tempting to do as some PPs have suggested and pack his bag/change the locks, the reality is that this would probably be illegal and could possibly just antagonise him. Obviously, asking him to show how sorry he really is by volunteering to go away for a few days to give you some space is a different thing entirely.

For what it's worth, my sister eventually decided to carry on their relationship and they have since got married. However, she made it extremely clear that this was his one and only chance and that if he ever got caught doing anything remotely similar again it would be the end of their relationship. She also insisted on having a savings account in her name only which contained enough money for her to put down a deposit on a rented place should she ever need to leave - thus making it abundantly clear that she would be in a very strong position to leave him at a moment's notice should he ever betray her again. Personally, in her shoes, I couldn't have done what she did as I would never have been able to trust him again but this happened three years ago now and they appear to be reasonably happy.

I wish you all the very best in whatever you decide to do. Please take great care of yourself.