Fathers access to my 8 month old baby

Funky_Bold_Ribena

I always find it amazing that these women think these men are such good sperm donors, then as soon as the child is born, think these same men are completely unable to be with the baby. The OP knew that the man was a bad father by looking at the evidence of the other child, and yet goes on to have a baby with him and then search around for other reasons to keep him out of the child's life.

Guest101

This is what is wrong with the system in the UK, the presumption seems to be that fathers are not capable and mother's all are, and are able to make life long decisions in a short space of time.

This system needs to change, because all you see on the streets these days are idiot kids with no control, because they have no father in their life.

It's an absolute joke that the health visitor and the police are maming any kind of recommendations to the OP, they should report the facts to SS, who in turn put a case before a family court. Only then should any recommendations be made.

How is the opinion of a police officer and a nurse of any real value, I have friends in both professions and I cant say that in either case they would be suited to making a decision on behalf of a child.

The Home visitor has no kids (?!) and neither does the police officer, they live the life of riley during the off hours.

paulineb_2

Its not a health visitors role to help someone split from their partner. I think thats massively stepping over the line of professional boundaries, refer someone onto other agencies such as womens aid by all means (this may have been done but its not been said).

I really think its concerning how much influence this health visitor has had on the whole scenario, they help the OP to split with her partner then they play an active part in deciding that the father will get no more access.

Id be reporting someone who behaved like that, not listening to their advice. Whats going to happen in 10 years time when the kid says, why dont I see my dad and the response is, well my health visitor thought it wasnt healthy for him to be around you?

Also, again, this man has other kids. Did you have concerns about the way he was around his own son, because from other threads the boy stayed with you for an extended period of time.

I still dont think people are getting enough details to give any advice. It apparently all started from a thread on here and I assume people on here gave advice about this man which led you to tell your health visitor who concluded that he should have no active part in your kids upbringing.

Its not their decision to make. You do not need to see this man to allow him access and he can have supervised contact if you have concerns about him being alone with the baby.

paulineb_2

Guest101 wrote: »

This is what is wrong with the system in the UK, the presumption seems to be that fathers are not capable and mother's all are, and are able to make life long decisions in a short space of time.

This system needs to change, because all you see on the streets these days are idiot kids with no control, because they have no father in their life.

It's an absolute joke that the health visitor and the police are maming any kind of recommendations to the OP, they should report the facts to SS, who in turn put a case before a family court. Only then should any recommendations be made.

How is the opinion of a police officer and a nurse of any real value, I have friends in both professions and I cant say that in either case they would be suited to making a decision on behalf of a child.

The Home visitor has no kids (?!) and neither does the police officer, they live the life of riley during the off hours.

Not everyone who grows up without a father ends up out of control, just wanted to make that point. My father chose to walk out of my life, my brothers dad likewise.

My view is its the quality of parenting you get that matters. But I dont agree with how this scenario is panning out and I agree, its social services who should be involved (who knows they may be, theres so little detail been given its very hard to tell)

What concerns me as well is the OP has said that shes too soft, well, if you need someone to help you make decisions, you need people who are impartial and who can see a balanced view

Does this man actually know whats been said about him by the police and the health visitor and does he know the fact that its been decided informally that he will have no contact with his child?

Guest101

paulineb wrote: »

Not everyone who grows up without a father ends up out of control, just wanted to make that point. My father chose to walk out of my life, my brothers dad likewise.

My view is its the quality of parenting you get that matters. But I dont agree with how this scenario is panning out and I agree, its social services who should be involved (who knows they may be, theres so little detail been given its very hard to tell)

What concerns me as well is the OP has said that shes too soft, well, if you need someone to help you make decisions, you need people who are impartial and who can see a balanced view

Does this man actually know whats been said about him by the police and the health visitor and does he know the fact that its been decided informally that he will have no contact with his child?

I was the same, grew up without a dad, now i hve two step children (though they are my own in relity, no contact with sperm donors through their choice) and my own son. So I agree that no everyone grows up to be irresponsible etc. But its a common problem.

and agreed, the ex could have his hands full in court, but the police and home visitor have probably hurt the OP's case rather than helping it. Denying access at this point would be unreasonable and could back fire

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

marisco wrote: »

Yet a few posts back the OP claims she has strong feelings for him. Not how someone feels towards another who they question their personal safety being around. Things just do not add up on this thread over and over again.

Really? That sounds like textbook abuse to me.

rozmister

paulineb wrote: »

Not everyone who grows up without a father ends up out of control, just wanted to make that point. My father chose to walk out of my life, my brothers dad likewise.

My view is its the quality of parenting you get that matters.

I completely agree but quality parenting doesn't involve cutting one parent out though unless they're truly horrific (drug dealer/murderer/etc). If a child has a father who is interested in them and isn't proper nasty it is always in their best interests for them to have a relationship with that father and being denied that could cause them problems in later life even with a good Mum. To find out your dad wanted to see you and your mum robbed you of the chance to have a father during your childhood would undoubtedly be traumatic which is how the OPs situation could pan out.

marisco_2

Guest101 wrote: »

This is what is wrong with the system in the UK, the presumption seems to be that fathers are not capable and mother's all are, and are able to make life long decisions in a short space of time

I agree with you. I think one of the fundamental elements of being a good parent, is to be selfless enough to put the child and its needs emotional and practical before your own at all times. Too many mums and dads behave immaturely in a destructive game of control and one-upmanship, leaving helpless children to cope in the middle of their feuds. A child needs both of its parents to be equals in its life, working together to give it a safe, secure and happy childhood. Far too many children miss out on this.

FatVonD

pyjamadays wrote: »

The health visitor did refer her concerns, they had a meeting about it involving the police. It was the police & the health visitor that recomended limited contact so that a bond did not develop...this is so that my baby didn't come to any harm mentally or physically now or in the future! if this was a normal split and he was a decent person then there would be no concerns about access, but there is.

Neither your health visitor or a Police officer are qualified to or have the authority to tell you to limit your ex's contact with his son to ensure they don't bond. It's laughable (and probably sackable.)

Either this statement of yours is pure poppycock or it was offered as personal opinion in response in a 'there, there' manner to you *perhaps* saying something like you were worried he'd form a bond and up and off back to his hometown with your son and *maybe* they then said not to let that happen until you'd got a residence order in place.

You try to paint him as a deadbeat dad yet your last thread was complaining that he was spending too much time doing stuff with his older son (whom he moved away from to be with you!) and ignoring the baby. That doesn't sound like a deadbeat dad to me, that sounds like a dad making the most of his precious time with his child while he can. You on the other hand sound like a spiteful cow who wants his existing children wiped out of his life.

I don't see what the problem is with getting a friend or family member round when he comes to see the baby, you pop upstairs ten minutes before he arrive then come down after he leaves other than it doesn't suit your agenda. The friend/family member says 'pyjama days is in the bath/in bed and is not to be disturbed'.

For the person that said that contact centres are only for addicts and rapists. That is absolutely not true. My ex's new partner had suffered domestic violence with her previous partner and his contact with their son was via a contact centre so that she didn't have to see him.

paulineb_2

rozmister wrote: »

I completely agree but quality parenting doesn't involve cutting one parent out though unless they're truly horrific (drug dealer/murderer/etc). If a child has a father who is interested in them and isn't proper nasty it is always in their best interests for them to have a relationship with that father and being denied that could cause them problems in later life even with a good Mum. To find out your dad wanted to see you and your mum robbed you of the chance to have a father during your childhood would undoubtedly be traumatic which is how the OPs situation could pan out.

What I said was in response to another post where it was commented that kids without a father can end up out of control

I wasnt disagreeing with the point about letting this child see her father and I did explain it was my fathers choice not to see me, my mum never stopped me from trying to see him.