Fathers access to my 8 month old baby

paulineb_2

pyjamadays wrote: »

Again READ?!! I do not have a new partner, the word guy was a typo for gut...

The 'extended family' are not within a reasonable distance to have regular contact other than once a yr...

I AM being pro active..not sure how many more times that needs said.

And FINALLY, I am doing what's best for all 3 of my kids (who at this moment are all very happy and the older 2 doing brilliant at school) if it turns out to be in babies best interest to CONTINUE seeing his dad then he will, but if not then he won't.

I will not be returning to this site for anymore 'advice' or to answer anymore questions as everyone is so negative and probably stiring !!!! for the sake!!

Sorry, I didnt read through the how many pages there were before posting.

I just took that when you typed guy, you meant guy

Also, how can you decide whether its in your babies best interests to see his dad, hes 8 months old yes?

So surely unless things get really bad, you should give some time for them to have a relationship develop until your child can make up his own mind

Your kid isnt a pawn in the relationship breakdown where you can say, yes I'll let him see his dad, hold on, no I wont.

Their relationship should be lifelong, unless theres serious reasons why the dad cant be around the child. Or the child decides not to see his dad or vice versa

Hes the father, he has legal rights whether you like it or not, in Scotland someone has rights whether they are married or not.

I hope you take that into consideration when you are making your decisions.

And I think you are just cheesed off because people have questioned you and you dont like the responses, thats totally your right and so is not to come back on here.

Troutwrestler

Haven't read the full thread, but unless your child is in danger with the father he has just as much right to have contact with the child as you do.

My ex and father of my eldest is an ignorant arrogant selfish pig. I can't stand him, he pays nothing for his daughter and only ever considers himself.

However, hris still my daughters father and as such she deserves a right to have contact with him, although I can't stand him.

I afraid when you choose to have a child with someone it's a tie you can't undo because he does your head in

Dimey

I don't see that Pyjamadays deserves the level of berating she's received in this thread.

She said that although she doesn't want to agree to contact for the father (due to previous inappropriate behaviour and recent uncomfortable advances) her original post was asking how best to go about giving access so she knows its in the child's best interest.

Its reasonable for Pyjamadays to listen to the health visitor and police, though she clearly took their off the cuff comments more as gospel than she should have done.

I think some folk have jumped to conclusions and projected that thinking onto Pyjamadays when Pyjamadays hasn't actually said anything of the sort. The typo guy for gut didn't help.

I guess the only practical advice answering Pyjamadays orginal question is to arrange visitation at a contact centre or to arrange for a family member or friend to accompany the child to meet the father in a park or that friend's home.

Really Pyjamadays, its best to explore options with your social worker or health visitor.

my_definition

Dimey wrote: »

I don't see that Pyjamadays deserves the level of berating she's received in this thread.

She said that although she doesn't want to agree to contact for the father (due to previous inappropriate behaviour and recent uncomfortable advances) her original post was asking how best to go about giving access so she knows its in the child's best interest.

Its reasonable for Pyjamadays to listen to the health visitor and police, though she clearly took their off the cuff comments more as gospel than she should have done.

I think some folk have jumped to conclusions and projected that thinking onto Pyjamadays when Pyjamadays hasn't actually said anything of the sort. The typo guy for gut didn't help.

I guess the only practical advice answering Pyjamadays orginal question is to arrange visitation at a contact centre or to arrange for a family member or friend to accompany the child to meet the father in a park or that friend's home.

Really Pyjamadays, its best to explore options with your social worker or health visitor.

I would be inclined to agree with this. Op has come on here asking for help as to how she can get baby contact with the father. She is trying to get him contact with the baby. He seems to have not been very involved and so I can understand her attitude that the baby is hers, whether it is right or not. People seem to have been quite judgemental but I havent read the whole thing so i havent got the full story

Tiddlywinks

Perhaps we are viewing this thread whilst remembering all of her other posts... they give more context.

paulineb_2

Dimey wrote: »

I don't see that Pyjamadays deserves the level of berating she's received in this thread.

She said that although she doesn't want to agree to contact for the father (due to previous inappropriate behaviour and recent uncomfortable advances) her original post was asking how best to go about giving access so she knows its in the child's best interest.

Its reasonable for Pyjamadays to listen to the health visitor and police, though she clearly took their off the cuff comments more as gospel than she should have done.

I think some folk have jumped to conclusions and projected that thinking onto Pyjamadays when Pyjamadays hasn't actually said anything of the sort. The typo guy for gut didn't help.

I guess the only practical advice answering Pyjamadays orginal question is to arrange visitation at a contact centre or to arrange for a family member or friend to accompany the child to meet the father in a park or that friend's home.

Really Pyjamadays, its best to explore options with your social worker or health visitor.

I think the health visitor is the last person she should be exploring options with given the health visitors comments that minimal contact should be given so the father and child dont develop a bond.

Id be looking for other more professional services who can help her look at her choices without becoming over involved.

pops5588

Dimey wrote: »

her original post was asking how best to go about giving access so she knows its in the child's best interest.

And people have made several suggestions along these lines. People (including myself) only reacted in the way they have done to, despite the productive suggestions made, the fact she seemed to argue that because of the HV and her own personal opinion of her ex, that she was going to stop contact anyway and referred to the child as only being "hers", which I don't personally believe to be a healthy attitude for the child or indeed for the nature of the relationship between the OP and her ex going forward.

'tis the problem with asking for the opinion of the unknown public I'm afraid. As paulineb says, if she doesn't like it she has every right to stop replying on the thread or to not use the forums at all. But I for one have not called her names, I haven't berated her. I have simply put forward my opinion which she is more than welcome to ignore. The only person who suffers ultimately is the child, not me.

Hagar_uk

What a sad sellfish attitude, let me get this right, he was rubbish as a dad when first born, and you wanted him to do more, have more involvement with his child. Your wish starts to happen. but as you have spilt and it is no longer in your interest for him playing a larger role in his sons you want it stopped.

Dont punish your son, because you cant make up your mind if you want your ex to be a father to his kids or not. and actually in law unless you have a court order, you will find you are pretty much equal parents. If you two have issues sort it out, or simply have someone else round when he collects his child

pyjamadays wrote: »

It's MY son, when he lived here for the first 12 weeks of his life he paid no attention to him, did nothing with him, never got up in the night or mornings. Slept all day or played his computer game, MY son didn't know him so always cried with him. So biologically he's our son...but as I have done every single thing for MY baby since the day he was born he will continue to be only MY son as far as I'm concerned.

Dimey

Hagar_uk wrote: »

What a sad sellfish attitude, let me get this right, he was rubbish as a dad when first born, and you wanted him to do more, have more involvement with his child. Your wish starts to happen. but as you have spilt and it is no longer in your interest for him playing a larger role in his sons you want it stopped.

Dont punish your son, because you cant make up your mind if you want your ex to be a father to his kids or not. and actually in law unless you have a court order, you will find you are pretty much equal parents. If you two have issues sort it out, or simply have someone else round when he collects his child

This is where I read Pyjamadays so differently.

I think she does want her ex to be involved with their child. She started the thread to ask how people go about access. She wanted ideas how she could safely give the father access.

It was everyone telling her how she "must give access", ignoring that that was exactly what she wanted, that pushed OP into defensive mode over terminology and frustrated her.

She made a slip of saying "my" child and because of posters reactions, the discussion veered off into correcting her. Of course OP knows the child is both of theirs. She's defending her position in saying "my" because she's hurt. If this minor wording hadn't have been picked up, it would not have been an issue and the thread could have focussed on answering OP's original question.

OP has made her mind up about the father. She loved him and still does. But she parted from him in the interest of her children after he behaved inappropriately.

When she tried to give father access to the child in her home, he made advances to OP which she knew could not continue so she wanted to find alternative access where the father could no longer make advances to her.

I think OP is really trying to do the right thing for her children and herself. She needs more mature support to guide her, from responsible parents or from professionals.

pops5588

Dimey wrote: »

This is where I read Pyjamadays so differently.

I think she does want her ex to be involved with their child. She started the thread to ask how people go about access. She wanted ideas how she could safely give the father access.

It was everyone telling her how she "must give access", ignoring that that was exactly what she wanted, that pushed OP into defensive mode over terminology and frustrated her.

She made a slip of saying "my" child and because of posters reactions, the discussion veered off into correcting her. Of course OP knows the child is both of theirs. She's defending her position in saying "my" because she's hurt. If this minor wording hadn't have been picked up, it would not have been an issue and the thread could have focussed on answering OP's original question.

OP has made her mind up about the father. She loved him and still does. But she parted from him in the interest of her children after he behaved inappropriately.

When she tried to give father access to the child in her home, he made advances to OP which she knew could not continue so she wanted to find alternative access where the father could no longer make advances to her.

I think OP is really trying to do the right thing for her children and herself. She needs more mature support to guide her, from responsible parents or from professionals.

Have you even read the thread?

No one ignored what she asked for, in fact the entire first page is full of people (Gillyx, DUTR, little-spender, pinkshoes, Gigglepig, duchy etc.) discussing the HV and the notion of contact centres with her. How is that ignoring her question? The only reason the nature of the thread changed was because at the very end of the first page, if you care to check, she said "to be honest I don't want him to have contact". I'm afraid this completely goes against your assumption in your previous post of "I think she does want her ex to be involved with their child." How can you "read her" differently when she has typed those very words herself.

I think it's very unfair of you to make such sweeping generalisations of how you think posters have "berated" her on this thread, when in fact lots of people tried to provide her with useful information which then turned out to be pretty much pointless as she admitted herself she has no real desire to keep the ex in her child's life!!