Fathers access to my 8 month old baby

Tiddlywinks

pyjamadays wrote: »

some people may remember something I wrote on here a few months ago, it created quite a stir so I got it deleted. Basically I reported things to my health visitor who then spoke to other agencies. With help from her I split from my babies dad. He has been coming round most weeks to see my son even tho the health visitor recomended limited contact. 3 weeks ago I asked him to stop coming round because everytime he did he was flirty, trying it on & messing with my head so I needed space. 2 days ago he started texting about getting back together ect but I said no, he's now asking about seeing my baby again. I'm not sure what to do for the best. He never really pays attention to him and its more to see me.

Please no comments on my previous posts about how wonderful I thought he was as obviously I was wrong :-(

What do others do about child access of children this age?

Your story has somewhat changed from what you posted only hours ago...

You were only worried about him being flirty and messing with your head!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Isn't there a personal safety issue for the OP?

I mean, if an ex who has been the subject of interest from a domestic abuse specialist is in the woman's home and is making unwanted sexual advances to her, and then making it seem 'respectable' by saying it's because he wants to get back together with her - surely it's also about what is safe for her?



Nobody here is seriously suggesting that she would be bad for not wanting to be sexually harassed or assaulted (which an unwanted advance is, after all), are they?

marisco_2

pyjamadays wrote: »

I needed the 2-3 weeks away from seeing him because unfortunately I do have strong feelings for him, but to have him back in our lives is really not a good idea.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Isn't there a personal safety issue for the OP?

I mean, if an ex who has been the subject of interest from a domestic abuse specialist is in the woman's home and is making unwanted sexual advances to her, and then making it seem 'respectable' by saying it's because he wants to get back together with her - surely it's also about what is safe for her?

Yet a few posts back the OP claims she has strong feelings for him. Not how someone feels towards another who they question their personal safety being around. Things just do not add up on this thread over and over again.

Carl31

I had almost this exact situation when my son was born

I wasn't violent or anything like that, I was told my son was 'her baby' pushed aside and basically ignored. Wasn't allowed to pick him up, feed him or do anything. The problem really stemmed from my sons mother not wanting to attend baby classes before the birth, hence wre we're not really aware of the hormonal changes she would go through.

She tried to cut me out, as we split I became the evil one. I had to fight and fight to see him sometimes. It was hard. Eventually the dust settled and we get on fine now.

I can tell you now, nearly 11 years later, my son would not be thanking his mum if she had cut me out, I think his mother would have regretted it too

OP you need to think long and hard about your situation

paulineb_2

pyjamadays wrote: »

It really doesn't matter what you think or believe was or wasn't said. It was and that's all there is to say. Everything that has happened & was said is all written down, purposefully a kept paper trail by them incase he did want to go to court for access, which they said he wouldn't be granted.

I think thats a pretty dangerous statement to make, even coming from the police.

I know people who have access to their child even when there have been concerns about violence against the mother and been convicted.

I dont think anyone apart from a court can give a blanket yes or no to access.

Police and health visitors saying no he wouldnt get access is wrong information as far as Im concerned and its also troubling, because you are a new mum (Im aware you have other kids), youve been through a split, you were still in contact with your ex until recently.

If this man is so unsafe to be around why are you still in contact with him? Why have you allowed him in your home?

I know abuse is complicated and its not that easy but on the one hand this man is potentially risky for your baby to be around and on the other hand hes texting you and sending your flirty messages?

If you want information about whether this man would get access, I would strongly suggest you see a lawyer, I think the health visitor has the right to raise concerns but they also have professional boundaries to adhere to and suggesting your babys dad stay away from your child and never get access before the matter has even been taken to a lawyer is pretty horrendous as far as Im concerned and I also think its bordering on the manipulative.

And if there are concerns about him, are his other kids also at risk?

rozmister

My friend's ex partner was prosecuted for child neglect (on their child) and domestic abuse (against my friend) and after about two years was granted supervised access in a children's centre once every 6 - 8 weeks. He also now has custody of another child that he had with his new girlfriend. My friend doesn't resist the supervised access order - she says it's better for her son to know his dad and make his own choice than for her to keep them apart and the supervised access order minimises the risk her ex could pose to their child.

It takes an awful lot for a father to be totally cut off from having any contact with his child by the courts and cannot be done on the word of a policeman or a health visitor.

OP if your ex was a true threat to you you wouldn't let him in your house or let him know where you live. Unless he has attacked or abused your child or violently injured you he should be allowed access. It is not your right to play God with your child's life deciding if he can see his dad as you see fit, you chose to be with that man for over 2 years and have a baby with him you can't just turn on him now unless he did something truly horrific and none of your posts indicate that. I guess the old adage is true - hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!! Shame that means your son misses out though.

Prothet_of_Doom

Speaking as a man, who once found it hard to accept that I'd been dumped, I can imagine, it's hard for your son's father to accept that you have no spark left for him.

I suggest that you get a freind to be present when dad comes to play with his son.
I suggest you write a letter to him, explaining that you would like him to be more professional, and less of a stalking weirdo when he comes to visit.

FBaby

In theory, one has to feel for the guy. He used to have shared care of his son who had some issues, mainly attributed to the neglect of his mum (at least at the time OP and ex were together). He was then more or less told that if he wanted to be with OP, he had to move to her because she didn't want to leave her house, job and life. He moved, meaning having to give up shared care. He suddenly only sees his child for a week there and then and when he does, OP moans and complains that the child is in the way, that his father spends too much time with him, or that she is left to look after him because he just got a job (after having to give up his old one to move) and can't take the time off during the hols.

OP then falls pregnant by accident, supposedly because she was told that she had fertility issues so chose not to go on the pill, and decides to keep baby. They try to make a go of it. Baby is born, and OP decides that Ex is not capable of looking after said baby because of a couple of minor incidents. They separate and now he has to fight to see his second child. I suppose left with the dilemma of going back where he is from and be there for his first child again, or trying to fight OP to have contact with his second child, knowing that if he goes now, his chance of ever building a relationship with that child is likely to be gone forever.

OP, I recalled you mentioned a couple of incidents you were concerned about when your ex held the baby. Is it what you refer to when you said your health visitor suggested no contact and no bonding? If it is, then I think you are taking this out of proportion. These incidents made you feel concerned about your baby, then an infant being left alone under the care of his father, but there were not incident of abuse or neglect. Just a lack of experience (or forgotten experience) of looking after a newborn. Stopping contact on this basis would be totally wrong.

I have to say I can't help but wonder whether you are concerned that the same thing that has happened with your daughter, who I believe at one point decided that she wanted to go and live with her dad (and did so for a while?) could happen again, and now that you are not with your partner, you just want him out of your and your family's life so you can have full control of your child.

In the end, you know you hold all the strings. You know deep inside that if you want to make sure your baby's dad doesn't bond with him, you can make that happen. You know that your ex will run out of energy and faith and most likely turn back towards his first child, whose mother actually appreciated him being involved in his life. He will be out of the way for you to do what you want. All well from your point of view, but however you justify it, you are deliberately insuring that your son doesn't have a father, and that is one of the most precious and needed part of his life you can take from him. Maybe he will grow up believing all what you tell him about his father and never feeling the need to get to know him, or....one day he will really miss the presence of his dad in his life and want to know more about the circumstances that led him to be without one. He might be in contact with his dad and believe everything HE tells him and grow to resent you in the worse way a child can resent a parent.

But in the end, however wrong it is, the decision is in your hands.

Guest101

pyjamadays wrote: »

No to be honest I don't want him to have any contact, also I said its been advised he has minimal anyway so that a bond doesn't develop.

That's not your choice or your right, he could go to court and get access. If you dont want to see him, let him take his child out for the day.

Contact centres are for drug addicts and criminals on probation.

Fair enough you dont need to see him, but you cant stop him seeing his son.

So either you fight an expensive court battle, or you agree terms of access

Guest101

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Isn't there a personal safety issue for the OP?

I mean, if an ex who has been the subject of interest from a domestic abuse specialist is in the woman's home and is making unwanted sexual advances to her, and then making it seem 'respectable' by saying it's because he wants to get back together with her - surely it's also about what is safe for her?



Nobody here is seriously suggesting that she would be bad for not wanting to be sexually harassed or assaulted (which an unwanted advance is, after all), are they?

The OP could solve this by simply letting her ex take their child out for the day, have him/her overnight. simple

And unwanted advances are not sexual assault, what planet are you on