Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

marie-20

I'm a bit in the middle with this one.

We got married 4 years ago after we have been living together for around 7.5 years. My OH wanted to get married and asked me after a few months together to which I said yes but I always actually put off the 'marriage' conversations as I just didn't want to get married/wasn't that interested in getting married.

I don't feel any different now that we are married - I love my OH as much as I did before and I don't feel more 'loved' either and so on. I know and knew that my OH loved me to bits and worshiped the ground that I walked on and as we had 2 children at that point it just seemed like a pointless piece of paper as I knew that we would be together forever (how sickening lol).

We got married as my OH had an accident 6 years ago which left him disabled and 2 year after the accident he had a spinal epidural to try and ease the pain which caused a blood clot which the hospital thought had traveled in between his spine and nerves and would leave him paralysed - after this conversation with the doc we got out of the hospital and I asked him if he still wanted to get married and 9 weeks later we were as I decided that I wanted to get married and have him stood at the end of the isle for me. I still don't know why I suddenly changed my mind but I did and as I have said it hasn't changed anything for us.

As much as you say that he should marry you because he knows it bothers you that you aren't why aren't you taking his feelings into account? He obviously doesn't want to get married for what ever reason and I don't get why that has to be such a big issue for you. Some people simply don't like the idea of being 'married' and feel like it's being 'owned' by someone else. You shouldn't need to get married to feel 'loved' or that he doesn't love you enough not to - that is YOUR insecurtiy not his and something that you need to control and not risk your life for.

I understand that it must be frustrating that he won't explain the 'real' reasons but as we don't know the guy or the conversations that you have had we can't make judgements as to why. Maybe he's just that sort of person that gives excuses rather than tell you the truth that he doesn't ever want to get married and risk loosing you or maybe he isn't that into you and doesn't want to be tied down or maybe you haven't ever 'really' had the fully blown conversation and on and on we could all go.

Being married doesn't and shouldn't validate a relationship - if it did there would be very few divorces. Marriage should only happen when BOTH parties want it to. Getting married (from his POV) just to make your partner happy rather than because you want to is a receipe for disaster and often prematurely ends a relationship. I have several friends and family member that got married for this reason and even though they were happy before they got married within a couple of years they were divorced and they all said that marriage changed it all because they felt like they HAD to be there rather than being there because they WANTED to be.

I know that I may sound harsh but come on - you are really thinking of leaving your OH of 12 years and the person that you have a child to and tearing both your life and that of your two children apart just because your OH won't sign a piece of paper?

dktreesea

tankgirl78 wrote: »

I never said i didnt meet his physical needs i said i wasnt touchy feely, i dont hug and kiss people including him when saying hello that kind of thing but htis is the way i am and have always been that way there has been no change over the 12 years we have been together, which is why it just sounds like another excuse.

But it's not about how you see yourself; it's about how he feels too. After all, he's the one not wanting to marry you, not the other way around. From what you said he doesn't feel loved. So the fact that you are not touchy feely, he says, doesn't meet his needs.

What can you do? You are the way you are. Of course he doesn't want to move out; he realises he's on a good wicket in other ways/ But you won't ever have a full commitment from him because he realises you are not fully committed to meeting his needs in the way he wants them to be met.

dktreesea

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

"always" want to meet your physical needs? That's a hell of a challenge. No woman in your life can therefore be ill, under pressure at work, about to give birth, or just had a baby, then?

Well, I did say if I were a guy.... Most guys, in my experience, wouldn't want to mate with their partner straight after birth. But I have noticed some of my friends relationships go a bit downhill after having children, and while I am sympathetic to the female half of those relationships, because they are the part of the relationship I am friendly with, I can kind of see the guy's point of view too. He's still there, with the same physical needs he had prior to having children.

It's hard to say exactly, being a woman, but my sense is guys mind their physical needs not being met in a wholehearted "I'm so in love with you, I can't help myself" way than women do.

newbutold

Brighton_belle wrote: »

We got married 2 years ago after quite a few years together and it has brought us great joy and a deepening of our love. Standing there making our vows, publically declaring our commitment was a life defining moment and underpins everything for us now. It was mutually very cherishing. For us, it is far more than a piece of paper.
Neither of you or me is right or wrong, it's just everyone is different.
For some people it is a big deal, but it is hard to define why. If the value of marriage is hard wired into your dna by culture and upbringing, observation or personality, it is hard to explain 'logically'.

This is how I too felt after getting married.

When I unexpectedly fell pregnant after being with my bf for 4 years, I wanted to get married straight away. My upbringing had drummed marriage before kids into me & I hated th thought of being an unmarried mother. However my bf wouldn't get married, despite me asking many times over many years. I never gave any ultimatums as I wanted him to want to marry me.

After we had been together 10.5 years I fell pregnant again (this time planned) when I got to 6 months pregnant my bf agreed to get married, I did all the asking but when he agreed he did say it was because he now wanted to get married & wasn't just agreeing because it was something I wanted. We married 8 weeks later in time for baby no 2 arrival! We have now been together 19 years & married for 8 :j

Reason for me telling you this is one, to show people do change their minds overtime but also to ask you to truly think over whether you really would want your bf to marry you just because you wanted it, not him.

As much as I hated being an unmarried mother, I wouldn't of wanted my bf to marry me unless it was something he wanted to, not something he agreed to for my sake.

dktreesea

tankgirl78 wrote: »

But he hasn't ever said he doesn't want to get married what he has said is he's to young, not ready, not now, maybe when things are better! He has told me during a row that he has thought about asking me but then we argue and he doesn't feel ready again ( we live together with 2 children of course we are going to argue).

If we had decided together that we didn't want to marry that would be different.

Translation? You're not his "ideal wife" material. Some men are looking for a bedroom version of their mothers, i.e. people who adore them, just the way they are, who don't want to change any part of them. He is what he is. Either put up with his shortcomings, including his tendency to take you for granted and not value you enough to tie the knot, or tell him he doesn't meet your needs, it's time to split up, and move on.

Putting up with not being married may not make you happy, but happiness is relative. Would you rather the status quo or being a lone parent with two children to bring up on your own?

thorsoak

tankgirl78 wrote: »

I'm not trying to force him to marry me but surely what I want should also be taken into consideration?
The thought of being a single parent doesn't scare me and I have no doubt that he would continue to spend plenty of time with his daughter.

He too, can make exactly that same statement - and both are equally valid! The pair of you will have to talk - if your diametrically opposed feelings cannot be reconciled, then there is no future for the two of you. But what about your children? Are their feelings not to be taken into consideration?

FBaby

tankgirl78 wrote: »

But he hasn't ever said he doesn't want to get married what he has said is he's to young, not ready, not now, maybe when things are better! He has told me during a row that he has thought about asking me but then we argue and he doesn't feel ready again ( we live together with 2 children of course we are going to argue).

If we had decided together that we didn't want to marry that would be different.

It is totally clear to me that what you are looking in marriage is reassurance that he loves you and want to spend the rest of his life to you, that he is committed enough that he doesn't feel the need to hold back, just in case. Of course marriage wouldn't stop that, but the fact that he would want to get married would mean he isn't considering it at least.

My gut feeling tells me that not all is as perfect in your relationship as you say. The part in bold doesn't fit with the words of someone who is totally contented in his relationship.

Saying that, my partner had similar words in arguments. Ironically we only argued because of one reason, his lack of commitment. What happened in my case is that he had in the past made some promises that meant the word to me that he later retracted, one in particular that was a big thing. So his promises that he would put my name on the deeds on the house, that he was going to change his will so at least I could keep OUR house if something happened to him (which I did help pay), and that we would get married so didn't need to do the rest were to me just that, promises, and I needed more. He always told me that he would do it, that I needed to be patient, but patience only takes you so far and when things don't happen, the doubts creep in. Unfortunately, these arguments were the one things that put some doubts in his mind, so we were stuck in a vicious circle!

It is odd in a way that having proposed AND agreed to go ahead with the wedding in a few months time took all these doubts away, with it, all the insecurities, and all the tension that led to the arguments. The same thing happened when we moved in together. It tool 18 months to happen, in stressful conditions. We used to have arguments because I needed to spend more time with him as seeing him only 3 times a week wasn't enough for me any longer, I missed him. From his perspective, he had a lot on and felt under pressure. As I expected, the second we moved in together and I was able to fall asleep next to him every night, that need went away. Whereas he was worried that I would lose his freedom, I became glad when he was out and I had the place to myself. This issue died with my moving in, just as I know that my insecurities about his commitment died the moment he proposed.

My advice is that if you've reached the point when it is such an issue for you, you have nothing left but to really confront him and make it clear that his excuses are not good enough for you. He needs to be honest with you, so at least you can decide what to do knowing exactly where you stand. He owes you that much. He will probably resist and try to throw more excuses, turn the situation around. Don't let him. Don't nag, shout, scream, cry etc... but do get back to him and insist he needs to open up and really say what is on his mind. I wouldn't be one bit surprised that once he does open up and it is off his shoulder, he will feel so much better for it, he will see the whole marriage issue in a completely different light.

Pollycat

tankgirl78 wrote: »

I have not once in this thread said that what I want is a wedding! It is not a big flash day that I am after what I am saying is I want to be with someone who takes my feelings seriously and cares about how I feel.

And do you really think that getting married will make this happen?

If he doesn't take your feelings seriously now and doesn't care how you feel now, I doubt very much that a piece of paper will change things.

Dunroamin

Pollycat wrote: »

And do you really think that getting married will make this happen?

If he doesn't take your feelings seriously now and doesn't care how you feel now, I doubt very much that a piece of paper will change things.

I think you're rather confusing cause and effect with that one.

Skint_yet_Again

Tankgirl, I have just read the whole thread and although I dont normally post on relationships I couldnt just read and run. Forgive me if I'm wrong but it seems to me

1. you do not feel loved enough because he does not want to marry you
2. he does not feel loved enough to want to marry you

Peanut2013 wrote: »

Again, forgive me if you answered this..

You say he doesn't want to marry you. Is it he doesn't want to marry you or doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you?

If you were to ask the second question what answer would you get?

I think Peanut has hit the nail on the head here... is there any other way he could make you feel happy enough/ loved enough to not worry so much about being married?

Pollycat wrote: »

And do you really think that getting married will make this happen?

If he doesn't take your feelings seriously now and doesn't care how you feel now, I doubt very much that a piece of paper will change things.

I'm sorry but I do agree with this in that marriage in itself will not necessarily make you both feel loved enough or secure in your relationship. I believe marriage should be a celebration of your love for each other, not a proof of love.... someone would have had to given me proof of love / happiness and security before I would agree to marry them

However this is just my opinion. Good luck to you x