Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

Kathy535

I was with my now husband for 10 yrs before he proposed. I wanted him to want to marry me but I wasn't bothered about actually being married (if that makes sense). I'd been married before and knew that it's just a piece of paper and the real commitments are having (or taking on responsibility for) children and sharing a house / life / bills. Much of my wanting to be married was for the legal side of things (having seen the work my parents and brother's girlfriend went through when he died).

For his side, he said he wanted to BE married but not to GET married, he hates fuss and bother and being the centre of attentions.

I was amazed (but happy) when he proposed and we got married two years ago - a very small and low key wedding. Nothing has changed, except that i have extra jewellery.

The thing that always bothered me was a comment I heard from a friend who said that his long term girlfriend was good enough to live with but not good enough to marry, to be together with forever. Is this how you think your OH feels? Have you asked him? I asked my OH who was mortified that I might think he felt like that and explained that he wanted to do it properly (we had different ideas on what constitutes a proper proposal btw, that only became apparent when he proposed!).

Marriage may make you feel more secure, more loved, more cherished, but it doesn't really add anything to the level of commitment a person has for you. If they aren't committed but agree to get married to keep the peace then they still aren't committed. If they are committed, then an extra piece of paper isn't going to make that better or worse.

Having said that, if it is important to you, and your OH isn't listening, then there's a need to get this sorted.

Netwizard

Barneysmom wrote: »

Trouble is, that'll be a big threat 'Marry me or I leave'
If someone said that to me I'd have to say 'Close the door on your way out'

Same here. Having said that, I don't ever want to be married anyway. I don't understand the big fuss surrounding marriage. Having read many a thread on here about failed marriages and the financial mess that follows, puts me right off.

A work colleague got married. Happiest day of their lives (as it is with everyone usually!). It was the dogs !!!!!!!! of ceremonies. The wedding cost them a whopping £24,000 all in. They got divorced 18 months later! That's a hell of a lot of money to spend on one day.

I'd rather spend that sort of money on some good holidays for the next 10 years or so rather than one day on a wedding but each to their own.

Bangton

I've been in a relationship the same length of time and have a child on the way BUT have no desire to get married nor does my partner.

It's hard to explain but I guess I feel cherished, loved and adored without needing anything more. As does my partner. In many ways for the last 12 years I've felt we are here because we both want to be not because we are pushing through and trying to make a marriage work. We've pushed through any rough times because we wanted to and that means more to me than anything.

Some people feel more connected by marriage and some don't. I genuinely don't feel it would change a thing for me. It's often expensive, showy and over the top which is not really me...I am easily embarrassed by attention.

There could be numerous reasons why he doesn't want to marry..it doesn't always have to be a lack of love or consideration for another person, after all why can't you consider his feelings and the fact he doesn't want to marry?

One thing I can't fathom for the life of me is why it would be time to leave if your happy and have a good relationship on the whole. There are plenty of people married or otherwise who don't have this...personally I'd cherish it

Dunroamin

I think that the popularity of large, flashy expensive weddings does the institution of marriage a great deal of harm because so many people can't see past the wedding to the actual marriage.

Dunroamin

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

No its not dealing with the problem but why should he feel coerced into getting married when he doesnt want to, im sure when they met he didnt sit her down and say we will have 2 kids and we will get married if he did then thats a different story but whats big deal if all is happy? OP asked question is it time to leave? what and remove her kids from family life from father because he wont give her the "princess for a day routine"?!

But all isn't happy - that's the whole point.

tankgirl78

But he hasn't ever said he doesn't want to get married what he has said is he's to young, not ready, not now, maybe when things are better! He has told me during a row that he has thought about asking me but then we argue and he doesn't feel ready again ( we live together with 2 children of course we are going to argue).

If we had decided together that we didn't want to marry that would be different.

tankgirl78

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

TankGirl - you are so right you could leave him and then meet a man willing to give you the wedding you want so badly but think hard before breaking up the happy family environment that your child together knows. Does a ring a bit of paper and a "I do" really mean more than everything else? if so then its time to pack!

I have not once in this thread said that what I want is a wedding! It is not a big flash day that I am after what I am saying is I want to be with someone who takes my feelings seriously and cares about how I feel.

BWZN93

Have you spoken to him properly about all this? The tone of your posts suggests to me that you feel that he's not really fully invested in the relationship, the getting married part would, in your eyes, fulfil the investment part of the relationship.

However, I think its obvious to you that this is a case of the relationship being not bad enough to leave, and not good enough to stay. Nothing we say or suggest on here is going to change that. What you need to do is think about yourself and make a decision - do YOU want to stay if things remain like this forever? If not, you have your answer; and you need to tell him you aren't happy and its time to call it a day.

If its any help; iv'e been in a very similar situation years ago; and ultimately I ended it. Best decision I ever made. I'm still single now, and very happy.

neverdespairgirl

dktreesea wrote: »

And if I were a guy I wouldn't want to be married to someone who wasn't physically attracted to me enough to always want to meet my physical needs. It works both ways.

"always" want to meet your physical needs? That's a hell of a challenge. No woman in your life can therefore be ill, under pressure at work, about to give birth, or just had a baby, then?

maintenanceman

I'm no marriage expert but in your first few postings it seems obvious that other people around you are getting married and yo might feel that they have reached that commitment period in their life, so you should be at least at the same commitment period considering the length of your relationship and with the added fact that you have a child together.
I suppose for some people it is a bit of paper and for others it a commitment in writing.
It seems an issue for you as he probably thinks ,married what for. as you have been together for 12 years. Ultimately the guy doesn't want to grow up and commit, although after 12 years together it ins more complicated than that.