Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

Peanut2013

Again, forgive me if you answered this..

You say he doesn't want to marry you. Is it he doesn't want to marry you or doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you?

If you were to ask the second question what answer would you get?

Person_one

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

Are the legals in place? Wills, separate accounts, joint savings, pension etc? If he got hit by a bus how stuffed would you be?

Marriage or legals are vital. A cheap wedding is easier doing all the leg work to make sure that if he was to walk under a train you wouldn't be immediately kicked out of the house. btw you probably wouldn't be able to arrange his funeral as I don't think you would be next of kin.

If he won't marry (too cushy with you to find someone else but perhaps not as committed) then you need to get the legals lined up. I wouldn't rely on him to do that by himself either.

The 'legals' you can arrange as a cohabiting couple will only protect her in the event of his death or serious illness though.

There's no other paperwork you can complete or contract you can sign that confers the same rights and responsibilities as marriage in the event of separation.

Maybe he wants to retain the right to walk away without looking back should he ever wish to?

Dunroamin

tankgirl78 wrote: »

He didn't have any serious relationships before and about 3 years into ours he did feel he was missing out on something so for a year he moved out and had his single life but when I found out he had been seeing other women I told him it was over for good and that's when he decided he wanted to move back home and try again and yes I forgave him and I don't hold any resentment about that time.
In the past when we have spoken about our future I have told him if he is not happy with me then he should leave but he has always refused to go and gets very upset by the idea.

What sort of "single life " did you expect him to be having if it didn't involve seeing other people?

tankgirl78

We have nothing legal in place, we have separate bank accounts, no joint savings we rent our home and i work full time so dont rely on him to support me. If heaven forbid something was to happen to him it wouldnt have a great impact on me finacially i dont think so that isnt something i ever worry about.

thorsoak

But if you were ill/died - what legalities are in place regarding your children - you have a child with him - is he on her birth certificate?

And you didn't answer my question - have you asked him?????

Alias_Omega

Tankgirl78,

I have family members who were together for 15 years before getting married.

I would not make anything big out of it, just gentle suggestions. Hint how better off you would be, and how you want his surname.

If he is worried about the wedding ring thing...im married and dont wear the ring. I dont even know where it is. Im married inside, not on my finger..

It doesnt have to be anything big if you get married. Could just be you two plus the children..everything else is extra..

tankgirl78

thorsoak wrote: »

But if you were ill/died - what legalities are in place regarding your children - you have a child with him - is he on her birth certificate?

And you didn't answer my question - have you asked him?????

Yes i have asked him and yes he is on his daughters birth certificate so if i was to die there would be concerns about her remaining in his care.

tankgirl78

Another little niggle i have is what to refer to him as;

Boyfriend doesnt sound right when you have been with someone for 12 years.

Partner sounds like im in buisness with him not a relationship

Otherhalf is i bit aggghhhh

I think the whole name thing does bug me quite a bit, i dont share the same surname as either of my children which doesnt feel very nice. I once surgested we change our daughters surname to mine that went down like a lead ballon!

System

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Another little niggle i have is what to refer to him as;

Boyfriend doesnt sound right when you have been with someone for 12 years.

Partner sounds like im in buisness with him not a relationship

Otherhalf is i bit aggghhhh

I think the whole name thing does bug me quite a bit, i dont share the same surname as either of my children which doesnt feel very nice. I once surgested we change our daughters surname to mine that went down like a lead ballon!

If the name part is bothering you and he won't budge on marriage what about changing by deed poll?

I appreciate this doesn't solve the want/need for marriage

thorsoak

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Yes i have asked him and yes he is on his daughters birth certificate so if i was to die there would be concerns about her remaining in his care.

So, then, the crucial point is - are you prepared to stay in a partnership on his terms? You want marriage, he doesn't - you've been together for 12 years - on his terms up until now - and you've gradually been coming round to the view that marriage is for the best (which has always been my view ) .

If you decide no - it's a ring on a finger or he shouldn't linger - are you prepared to be a single parent - emotionally and financially? Are you the tenant of the house, or is the tenancy a joint one?

You have to start with basics, I'm afraid.