Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

Bennifred

I know it's easy to say after the event (and I did live with my OH before we married - in the days when it wasn't as acceptable as it appears to be these days) - but I think sometimes these days people (men in particular) don't see the point of getting married if they get to live/sleep/have children with their partner without it.

What is worrying is the fact that he doesn't appear to consider your desires in all this.

dktreesea

tankgirl78 wrote: »

I dont want to give him an ultimatum, i dont want him to marry me because he thinks he has to!
To be honest if he was to say to me now that he doesnt want to get married because he dosent believe in it or because his parents are divorced then i would want to know why he hadnt said sooner, instead choosing to watch me suffer thinking that there is something wrong with me for years and thats why he hasnt wanted to marry me, thats would make him quite cruel (i dont think he would do that).
I have thought maybe its the cost he is a bit of a penny pincher but he knows i wouldnt want a big wedding and that i would bargain hunt the whole thing.
He is useless at making decisions so that could be a factor, but if he loves me why would he shrug my missery off.

I know i may be rambling abit but all these thought have been going around my head for years now is this is the firts time i have every really voiced them.

But perhaps you do know why? According to your earlier post, you said that your partner said you didn't make him feel loved, and your reference to not being very touchy feely suggests he may not feel loved in a physical sense. That can be a big thing for a guy, when a woman can "go without" him phsyically, and may even prefer not having a particularly physical relationship with him.

Errata

The OP's partner will never, ever run out of reasons why he doesn't want to marry her. If there was just one constant reason like 'I don't believe in marriage' fair enough. The fact that he comes up with a new reason time after time signals to me that he's being dishonest about it.

saterkey

We have been together 24 years, have two children and house together and are not married, we thought about it a few times and briefly chatted, but neither of us are big stand out in the crowd people, the thought of being centre of attention like that with loads of people watching does nothing for me. The money and programme ive watched about weddings seem to be more arguments than anything else, its expensive so is divorce. we are not religious particularly. parents have made comments over the years but have given up mostly now. I sometimes don't like not having the same name. My friend changed hers by depol and from all intense of purposes everyone thought she was married at work, until she split with her partner and she told me she wasn't.

The organising, money and big party, photos, church, loads of family would be partners worst nightmare, maybe well go abroad one day on our own who knows.

If someone had asked me to spend my life with someone else in my 20s I probably would have ran in the opposite direction, but as it is we have had a relationship and muddled along good and bad for 25 years we have made a commitment by not making one if that makes sense and probably stayed together a lot longer because of it.

If you push it youll probably push him away, maybe go for a meal and have a frank and honest conversation as to why hes not interested, (could he already be married?/skeletons in closet, chuckle), do it with no pressure, satisfy yourself and then let it drop, its not worth it.

hope you find peace with yourself one way or another.

dktreesea

Mojisola wrote: »

That's not a reason for not getting married when you are in long term relationship - it would be a reason for leaving the relationship!

I wouldn't be trying to get married to someone who said that to me.

And if I were a guy I wouldn't want to be married to someone who wasn't physically attracted to me enough to always want to meet my physical needs. It works both ways.

I can't imagine being married to someone I didn't fancy. Much less who didn't fancy me.

FBaby

notanewuser wrote: »

What logical reason would he have to marry you? He's already got you on tap, and you've already got children together. Marrying you won't give him anything more, so why would he want to? What's in it for him?

To prove to her how much he loves because despite the fact marrying him won't give him anything, it will give him happiness and trust from the woman he is spending his life with? Or just because it doesn't matter to him, but it matters to her and he wants her to be happy?

FBaby

For some people it is a big deal, but it is hard to define why. If the value of marriage is hard wired into your dna by culture and upbringing, observation or personality, it is hard to explain 'logically'.

Before falling in love with my partner, I didn't really understand what the big deal was. Even up to a point, I wasn't that bothered about us not being married. I have never dreamt of my perfect wedding and never needed the absolute assurance that I would be looked after king of thought, but then it became about needing to know he was totally committed to me rather than what has been posted here, that he didn't feel he had any good reason to take a risk since he already had all he wanted.

Since we've been engaged, my love for him has doubled (didn't think it was possible!), because I got rid of all my guards and can love him totally freely. Amazingly, he has become another man since he popped the question and sometimes I think even more excited about it than I am!

FBaby

j.e.j. wrote: »

Opinions will differ, I know, but personally I can't see the point in having a couple of kids by someone and then getting married? That said I know of people who've done this and they seem happy enough.

OP has one child by this man and another older child by someone else, I think, which might complicate things a bit more.

I think a lot of the time, it is purely a financial issue. The couple always intended to get married, but wanted a proper wedding, and they haven't been able to afford it especially if they have prioritised saving for a house deposit, and/or the mother has given up work/reduce hours etc... It's once they got all this, children, house, holidays that they start thinking of investing in a nice wedding!

FBaby

pukkamum wrote: »

Tankgirl it comes across in your posts as if you are unsure of how much he loves you, is this one of the main reasons you want to get married, because it will prove he loves you?
You must ask yourself if you can live with you loving him more than he loves you, I know quite a few people In that situation and they aren't all unhappy, my friend who has this kind of relationship said once she accepted the fact that she loved him more she felt much happier.
Personally I'm not sure I could live like that.

I totally agree with this, this is what comes to me to, that needed to have his love for her validated, and it was that reason that made me want to be married too.

I would forget about the whole marriage thing for the moment and concentrate on deciding whether you are happy in the relationship and if he is too

It's not easy though. My partner told me he loved me all the time and did many things in day to day life to make believe that he meant it, but ultimately, words were not enough for me, I needed the ultimate commitment to truly believe it (only because I was prepared to do the same, so not one way street).

CH27

OP has something specific happened to trigger you being happy to go it alone now or it is just the culmination of many years?