Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

Treevo

Misery? Really? If it's that bad why on earth did you choose to have a child with him?

geri1965_2

Is the lack of being married the only thing that's bothering you? It would be a crying shame to split your family up for the sake of a piece of paper.

bridgend_girl

May I suggest that you focus on your reasons for wanting to get married and don't second guess his reasons for not wanting to.

If you want to get married because you want to be with a man who is able to promise and vow to a life long, death to us part, commitment then that is a very valid thing to want from someone you share your life with. You need to decide what you want and what your deal breakers are. At the moment he has no incentive to change his position, he has his partner without committing and his home and his child etc. I'm older and given my time again I would definitely not have lived with a man or had a child together without knowing he was fully committed. I gave more thought to my career choices than I did my relationships. My heart ruled my head in every decision.

Dr Phil has a very good book 'love smart' and i wish i had read it earlier in my life. His best advice was to be smart and totally selfish about choosing your partner/husband it's one of the biggest decisions you are likely to make. Don't pick a guy you can fix up/ mould/change into Mr Right , choose one that matches your important criteria (maybe for you that is marriage). If however he matches all your other important criteria but fails the marriage one is that ultimately a deal breaker for you? Only you know. Good luck

marisco_2

tankgirl78 wrote: »

When we used to talk about it in the first 5 years of being together he used to say he was to young and wasnt ready to make that commitment

The sentence above concerns me. As does your clear upset at not feeling that your partner is 100% committed to you.

Have you felt this way about your relationship since before you had your child together or only more recently? I only ask because in my opinion deciding to have a child together is the ultimate commitment a couple can make to each other, far bigger than getting married. Personally I only decided to start my family when I was 100% happy and secure in my relationship and felt sure we had a long term future together.

Few people plan to have a baby without lifetime commitment to each other in mind. To bring a child into a relationship which is not strong and stable, be that whether you are married or not, risks them suffering seeing their parents possibly split up and going through the pain and heartache that inevitably brings. It is best to avoid that scenario at all costs as I am sure you are aware.

You say that generally your relationship is good. However there seems to be clear communication problems between you both. You come across as feeling unheard when you raise concerns about the status quo of your relationship with your partner. You say you feel he doesn't care. I would suggest arranging some quiet time with him and really trying again to talk everything through with him. Explain to him all you are feeling and thinking and be prepared to listen to his side of things too.

If you two can work through this and resolve any anxieties about how committed you feel to each other that would be best for the children. Hope you can sort this out and feel happier and more secure in your relationship.

Mojisola

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Being married to him would mean alot to me for many different reasons, it would be different if he had told me that he didnt believe in marriage or didnt want to ever get married to any one for wheatever reasons, but when ever we have spoke about it there has always been some excuse, the last time it came up he said i didnt make him feel loved because im not very touchy feely but thats the way i have always been its nothing new, im not a kissy touchy person with anyone, it just seems like another excuse to me.

That's not a reason for not getting married when you are in long term relationship - it would be a reason for leaving the relationship!

I wouldn't be trying to get married to someone who said that to me.

tankgirl78

Mojisola wrote: »

That's not a reason for not getting married when you are in long term relationship - it would be a reason for leaving the relationship!

I wouldn't be trying to get married to someone who said that to me.

That is one off the questions i ask myself, i just feel in such a muddle about everything and cant think clearly about the whole thing.
If it wasnt for the whole marriage thing our relationship would be fine i think.

People often say having a child is a commitment, but it was not a desicion we made together, the pregnancy wasnt planned and his reaction to it was awful, he is very ashamed of how he was and doesnt regret having her but if it hadnt have happened we would not have a child together now that i am sure of.

jenhug

Tank girl, do you think he is with you to "make the best of a bad situation"?

bridgend_girl

For lots of reasons relationships and children are not a conscious choice and commitment which can cause insecurities and problems. Can you get some distance physically and emotionally?Maybe you need some time out in order to have some thinking time. Move in with family short term? Or better still ask him to leave as it would be better for your child not to leave their home. Any proposal of marriage should have him pursuing and chasing a commitment from you. He needs to see having you agree to marry him as a prize, he should be seeing himself as blessed and lucky to have a great woman being part of his life for ever. Possibly change your thinking to 'why am I committing myself to a man who is disrespecting me by being emotionally unavailable to me and less than truthful?' Given what he has said it may be time to turn the tables and give him an opportunity to bowl you over with his love for you or to free yourself to look for mature, committed love and respect elsewhere. This is not an ultimatum or game playing, it is a confident woman loving herself and putting her own needs first. Hugs x

Dunroamin

How old is he?

tankgirl78

He is 32

Maybe some space is a good idea as it is hard to see clearly living in the situation.