Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

FBaby

I only ask because in my opinion deciding to have a child together is the ultimate commitment a couple can make to each other, far bigger than getting married.

I personally totally disagree with this. When I decided to have a child, my ultimate commitment was to the child itself. It did mean that I wanted to give my child a good father, but it didn't make me more committed to him. I didn't want to marry him (for various reasons).

I surprised myself how much I wanted my partner to ask me to marry him and now being engaged, I can understand how much more of a commitment it is to him then when I decided to become a mother. To me, it is essential to be with someone I am and who is totally committed to me. I couldn't let myself love someone deeply without the reassurance of it. My partner has a lot to lose financially from marrying me, and that is even more an issue as he was married before, cheated on, and taken to the cleaners. His wanting to marry me is definitely the biggest commitment he could make to me and that is the ultimum proof of his love.

I can totally understand how you feel OP. What you say about his reasons for not marrying you and his reaction about you falling pregnant and what you say would be his reaction if you discussed having another child together does put into question his commitment to you (rather that your family) and I can feel why him wanting to be married to you would mean so much to you. The fact he doesn't say anything does make you wonder whether it is because he is worried that if he told you he never wants to marry, you would leave (as indeed is what you were considering when you started this thread.

On a positive note, a very good friend of mine got married to her long term partner (16 years and two children) last week and she said it was magical and she never thought it would mean so much to her (it was her who was reluctant before).

j.e.j.

OP you might find this interesting:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2157371/Does-living-marriage-make-likely-divorce.html

I'm afraid it's from the Daily Fail, but it's interesting what they're saying about people who live together before marrying. Often once they tie the knot things change on an emotional level, and not necessarily for the better.

Molly41

I gave my husband an ultimatum as in "I want to get married and if we dont then there is no future". He was quite upset as I had stolen his thunder - he was about to propose to me on our anniversary and had to ask me to wait. It worked though and we have been married 19 years.

Perhaps that is what you have to do? I was aware that I faced bringing up our kids on my own but I was prepared for that!

SadieL

I feel for you. Personally I would leave him and see if he comes to his senses when he realises what he's lost. But I don't have children which changes everything really doesn't it. If you're really not happy not being married to him then you really don't have much option in my opinion. I think deep down you know that though don't you. I wish you all the best whatever you decide. Good luck!

EmmaHerts

I got married last year and feel no different than I did before I got married. It didn't change anything in my life.

As long as you make sure you are protected via wills, etc, what is the big deal?

notanewuser

tankgirl78 wrote: »

I have been with my boyfriend for coming on 12 years, we have lived together for most of that time. I have a son from a previous relashionship and we have a 5 year old daughter together.
My problem is he hasnt asked me to marry him yet and it really gets me down, since we have been together everyone we know has got married and they were nearly all single when we got together. He knows how i feel about it and just doesnt seem to care.
When we used to talk about it in the first 5 years of being together he used to say he was to young and wasnt ready to make that commitment, but it has been 12 years now and my thinking is if he still says doesnt know if he wants to marry me now then really what that means is that he doesnt want to marry me ever.
We have been to so many weddings over the past few years and he knows how upset i get around these times and just doesnt seem to care.
2 years ago my mum said to me "i think you little sister will ge married before you" my sister was single at the time but seems my mum was right as she is getting married later this year, i think that comment really did get me thinking about my future.
I dont know if i should just accept that things will never change and leave him, i would rather be on my own than with someone who doesnt think im good enough to marry. Or should i just stay and learn to deal with these moments of missery?
Generally our relashionship is good, we argue no more than most im sure, but it really makes me feel down when i know he doesnt want to marry me

What logical reason would he have to marry you? He's already got you on tap, and you've already got children together. Marrying you won't give him anything more, so why would he want to? What's in it for him?

aggypanthus

He is 32, I reckon he is hedging his bets, after all he will have an easy escape route if he needs it, when your child grows up. You have spent too many years being upset over this , time he showed his hand as it were. Good luck . x

Brighton_belle

EmmaHerts wrote: »

I got married last year and feel no different than I did before I got married. It didn't change anything in my life.

As long as you make sure you are protected via wills, etc, what is the big deal?

We got married 2 years ago after quite a few years together and it has brought us great joy and a deepening of our love. Standing there making our vows, publically declaring our commitment was a life defining moment and underpins everything for us now. It was mutually very cherishing. For us, it is far more than a piece of paper.
Neither of you or me is right or wrong, it's just everyone is different.
For some people it is a big deal, but it is hard to define why. If the value of marriage is hard wired into your dna by culture and upbringing, observation or personality, it is hard to explain 'logically'.

EmmaHerts

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Neither of you or me is right or wrong, it's just everyone is different.
For some people it is a big deal, but it is hard to define why. If the value of marriage is hard wired into your dna by culture and upbringing, observation or personality, it is hard to explain 'logically'.

That makes a lot of sense.

chrissyr60

Whilst you're worrying about tomorrow you are missing out on today. Marriage doesn't necessarily make someone stay with you...one way to look at things is at least he is with you because he wants to be, not because he has to through marriage.

Before I married I was already very happy in my relationship but it was wonderful to have my husbands name by marriage; could this be what you want....maybe you feel you're not good enough for him to give you this?

My daughter is in a similar position whereby she used to get so upset about marrying her partner. She has 2 children by him and I say that is a commitment in itself but he has said that one day when he is ready he will surprise her by asking (its now about 8 years). From an outside point of view my daughters partner is quite controlling and wants to be in charge of most things, this included. Could this be something with you...could you both be controlling in your own ways?

Although I feel for you, I think you should take off the pressure and enjoy the relationship you have....like you, he doesn't have to be with you...he's there because he wants to be. If you love him enough to want to marry him, I don't understand how you could think of leaving him. After all, there are many unhappy marriages out there as well as good ones.