Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

tankgirl78

I have been with my boyfriend for coming on 12 years, we have lived together for most of that time. I have a son from a previous relashionship and we have a 5 year old daughter together.
My problem is he hasnt asked me to marry him yet and it really gets me down, since we have been together everyone we know has got married and they were nearly all single when we got together. He knows how i feel about it and just doesnt seem to care.
When we used to talk about it in the first 5 years of being together he used to say he was to young and wasnt ready to make that commitment, but it has been 12 years now and my thinking is if he still says doesnt know if he wants to marry me now then really what that means is that he doesnt want to marry me ever.
We have been to so many weddings over the past few years and he knows how upset i get around these times and just doesnt seem to care.
2 years ago my mum said to me "i think you little sister will ge married before you" my sister was single at the time but seems my mum was right as she is getting married later this year, i think that comment really did get me thinking about my future.
I dont know if i should just accept that things will never change and leave him, i would rather be on my own than with someone who doesnt think im good enough to marry. Or should i just stay and learn to deal with these moments of missery?
Generally our relashionship is good, we argue no more than most im sure, but it really makes me feel down when i know he doesnt want to marry me

koalamummy

Maybe not the traditional approach, but have you tried specifically telling him that you want to be married to him?

Mojisola

tankgirl78 wrote: »

He knows how i feel about it and just doesnt seem to care.

When we used to talk about it in the first 5 years of being together he used to say he was to young and wasnt ready to make that commitment, but it has been 12 years now and my thinking is if he still says doesnt know if he wants to marry me now then really what that means is that he doesnt want to marry me ever.

Generally our relashionship is good, we argue no more than most im sure, but it really makes me feel down when i know he doesnt want to marry me

Now the "too young" excuse doesn't work, what reason does he give for not getting married?

What reasons do you have for wanting to be married - just the big day or do you think it will improve your relationship or just for the legal and IHT benefits?

Make sure you understand the problems if you stay unmarried - https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Barneysmom

Trouble is, that'll be a big threat 'Marry me or I leave'
If someone said that to me I'd have to say 'Close the door on your way out'

My ex said to me that if I carried on with my HNC engineering maths we'd be finished, he couldn't stand it that I was educationg myself. That relationship was clearly never going to last, because I wouldn't allow myself to be controlled in that way.

I know it means a lot to be married but does it mean more to you than he does?
More than a settled family life for your children?

You two need to get a quiet few hours and talk it through honestly without any anger or leverage.

lippy1923

First find out why he doesn't want to get married. Is it the expense? He just doesn't believe in marriage? He can't use the excuse he's too young now. Once you know the reason you can then work on a possible solution.

Get a list of all the reasons you want to be married. Speak to him and show him the list. Show him the benefits of getting married and ask him outright if it will ever happen.

If not then you need to decide whether the relationship is worth hanging onto knowing you will have to sacrifice your dream of marriage, or wether you should end it and find your dream ending elsewhere.

j.e.j.

12 years?? I don't think he's likely to change his mind now, but I could be wrong. He doesn't want to be married, by the sounds of things. You can't force someone.

It does seem a shame, as you have a child together, but honestly I think if he was going to say yes he'd have done so by now.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to be married? Or explained to him why it's important for you?

LEJC

There is this thread on the weddings board...you might find you identify with some of whats said on there...its very long and was started by someone who wanst in a dis similar position to you .....

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3283450

It contains a lot of posts advising you to talk to the OH...But most of all it might make you see that you really arnt uniqiue in this problem...

and as a footnote a few of the posters have gone on to get their proposal after talking about it and if my memory serves me right the OP is currently on her honeymoon...so things do work out in the end if you both want them to!

thegirlintheattic

Is it really that important or are you thinking about what others think/the nice party?

If it is important to you then you have to ask him outright, no beating around the bush. If he says no then you need to consider if you want to stay with a man who doesn't care about what is important to you.

Otherwise, forget what others may think, forget the party and get on with your life.

Melonade

I can sympathise with you 100%

My situation is different as in my OH asked me to marry him nearly 20 years ago and through one thing and another we just haven't got round to it. We have talked about but the thing that sunk it for me was a convo we had earlier this year. He knows I don't want a big wedding and neither does he. So when he said "oh I thought you wanted a big wedding" I knew that it would never happen. The next day I took my ring off and threw it down the grid. He's seen I'm not wearing it but hasn't said anything and I haven't told him were it is.

I love him and we get on really well, very rarely argue and love each others company. BUT it has made me love him a little less mainly because he hasn't been upfront with me and it makes me want to punch him in the face sometimes.

You've got to ask yourself if being married is the be all and end all and if this one issue is worth ending your relationship with him. Also what are his reasons for not wanting to get married?

tankgirl78

I have told him i want to marry him and even asked him to marry me about 3-4 years into our relashionship (i wont be doing that again).

We havent spoke about marriage for about a year and half, it become a bit of a dirty work in out house.

Being married to him would mean alot to me for many different reasons, it would be different if he had told me that he didnt believe in marriage or didnt want to ever get married to any one for wheatever reasons, but when ever we have spoke about it there has always been some excuse, the last time it came up he said i didnt make him feel loved because im not very touchy feely but thats the way i have always been its nothing new, im not a kissy touchy person with anyone, it just seems like another excuse to me.

Treevo

tankgirl78 wrote: »

I have been with my boyfriend for coming on 12 years, we have lived together for most of that time. I have a son from a previous relashionship and we have a 5 year old daughter together.
My problem is he hasnt asked me to marry him yet and it really gets me down, since we have been together everyone we know has got married and they were nearly all single when we got together. He knows how i feel about it and just doesnt seem to care.
When we used to talk about it in the first 5 years of being together he used to say he was to young and wasnt ready to make that commitment, but it has been 12 years now and my thinking is if he still says doesnt know if he wants to marry me now then really what that means is that he doesnt want to marry me ever.
We have been to so many weddings over the past few years and he knows how upset i get around these times and just doesnt seem to care.
2 years ago my mum said to me "i think you little sister will ge married before you" my sister was single at the time but seems my mum was right as she is getting married later this year, i think that comment really did get me thinking about my future.
I dont know if i should just accept that things will never change and leave him, i would rather be on my own than with someone who doesnt think im good enough to marry. Or should i just stay and learn to deal with these moments of missery?
Generally our relashionship is good, we argue no more than most im sure, but it really makes me feel down when i know he doesnt want to marry me

Have you asked him to marry you? If not, why not? But frankly if you're seriously considering splitting up with your partner (and putting your young daughter through that) over this issue, then I'm wondering why you want to marry him at all.