Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

Mojisola

chrissyr60 wrote: »

Marriage doesn't necessarily make someone stay with you...one way to look at things is at least he is with you because he wants to be, not because he has to through marriage.

Or because he hasn't found someone better yet.

My daughter is in a similar position whereby she used to get so upset about marrying her partner. She has 2 children by him and I say that is a commitment in itself but he has said that one day when he is ready he will surprise her by asking (its now about 8 years). From an outside point of view my daughters partner is quite controlling and wants to be in charge of most things, this included.

Aren't there two people involved? Why should it be a decision made when it suits him without any consideration for his partner?

Anyone who stays in a long term relationship without getting married needs to understand their legal position and make sure that wills, finances and next-of-kin issues are sorted out.

j.e.j.

Opinions will differ, I know, but personally I can't see the point in having a couple of kids by someone and then getting married? That said I know of people who've done this and they seem happy enough.

OP has one child by this man and another older child by someone else, I think, which might complicate things a bit more.

chrissyr60

Mojisola wrote: »

Aren't there two people involved? Why should it be a decision made when it suits him without any consideration for his partner?

Anyone who stays in a long term relationship without getting married needs to understand their legal position and make sure that wills, finances and next-of-kin issues are sorted out.

I fully agree....I hate the way my daughters yearning has gone on so long...to me it feels like a power trip but who can really tell why people are like they are. Regarding two people being involved, it works both ways surely...if someone has to be pressured into marriage, it could be potentially damaging to the relationship anyway.

tankgirl78

Although I feel for you, I think you should take off the pressure and enjoy the relationship you have....like you, he doesn't have to be with you...he's there because he wants to be. If you love him enough to want to marry him, I don't understand how you could think of leaving him. After all, there are many unhappy marriages out there as well as good ones.[/QUOTE]


Yes i love him and want to marry him but it seems to me that he doesnt feel the same and no matter how much i love him i cant spend my whole life giving love and not recieving the same back i would rather be alone, so thats why i can consider leaving him.

I appreciate some people dont see marriage as all that important but i do for whatever reason and he knows this.

chrissyr60

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Although I feel for you, I think you should take off the pressure and enjoy the relationship you have....like you, he doesn't have to be with you...he's there because he wants to be. If you love him enough to want to marry him, I don't understand how you could think of leaving him. After all, there are many unhappy marriages out there as well as good ones.

Yes i love him and want to marry him but it seems to me that he doesnt feel the same and no matter how much i love him i cant spend my whole life giving love and not recieving the same back i would rather be alone, so thats why i can consider leaving him.

I appreciate some people dont see marriage as all that important but i do for whatever reason and he knows this.[/QUOTE]

Giving love and not receiving the same back....not a great recipe for marriage...why do you want to marry then, surely you should only want to marry someone if they feel the same way about you. Some people are just stubborn...the more you push for marriage perhaps the deeper he will dig his heels in.

jenhug

Tank girl, I think this isn't about marriage at all, your comment about you giving him love and not getting the same back is very telling. Marrying someone that isn't head over heels with you won't make him fall deeper, it will quite possibly be the final nail in the coffin.

Mojisola

chrissyr60 wrote: »

Regarding two people being involved, it works both ways surely...if someone has to be pressured into marriage, it could be potentially damaging to the relationship anyway.

It's not uncommon for couples who have been together for years to get married and then split up soon after. I wonder whether that was because one felt forced into the marriage.

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Yes i love him and want to marry him but it seems to me that he doesnt feel the same and no matter how much i love him i cant spend my whole life giving love and not recieving the same back i would rather be alone, so thats why i can consider leaving him.

I think I would feel like tankgirl - if one partner really wants to be married and the other doesn't, it would be a real "stay or go' issue.

It's important for both to think about why they do/don't want to get married. If the feelings are fundamental and neither of them can happily compromise, it would niggle away over the years and cause further unhappiness.

Ames

You keep saying 'he knows' about stuff. Are you sure he really does know? This is a man we're talking about

Think about all the TV shows and films where a woman says 'oh I just want a small do' or 'it doesn't have to be big and expensive' and they always show that the woman really does want to have a chance at being Bridezilla. He may well have swallowed all that and thinks that it does have to be big, regardless of what you say.

The same with 'knowing' you want to be married - have you actually sat down and told him? had a proper discussion, recently, about it? Trying to be subtle or drop hints, or even not put pressure on, possibly isn't enough.

pukkamum

Tankgirl it comes across in your posts as if you are unsure of how much he loves you, is this one of the main reasons you want to get married, because it will prove he loves you?
You must ask yourself if you can live with you loving him more than he loves you, I know quite a few people In that situation and they aren't all unhappy, my friend who has this kind of relationship said once she accepted the fact that she loved him more she felt much happier.
Personally I'm not sure I could live like that.
I would forget about the whole marriage thing for the moment and concentrate on deciding whether you are happy in the relationship and if he is too.

dktreesea

tankgirl78 wrote: »

I have told him i want to marry him and even asked him to marry me about 3-4 years into our relashionship (i wont be doing that again).

We havent spoke about marriage for about a year and half, it become a bit of a dirty work in out house.

Being married to him would mean alot to me for many different reasons, it would be different if he had told me that he didnt believe in marriage or didnt want to ever get married to any one for wheatever reasons, but when ever we have spoke about it there has always been some excuse, the last time it came up he said i didnt make him feel loved because im not very touchy feely but thats the way i have always been its nothing new, im not a kissy touchy person with anyone, it just seems like another excuse to me.

You've probably hit the nail on the head about why he doesn't want to marry you. If I were a guy, with a girl who was a bit too cool physically and not interested in meeting my physical needs, I wouldn't marry her either. Most women would probably take a pretty dim view of "not tonight, dear" from their mates.

You do get a lot of relationships where the people are living together, married or otherwise, but where one doesn't meet the other's physical or emotional needs. Of course, the party that's not getting what they need are going to be on the lookout for someone else, even if just subconciously. They don't want to be on their own, but at the same time, they are not getting what they need from the relationship.