Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

Bangton

tankgirl78 wrote: »

But he hasn't ever said he doesn't want to get married what he has said is he's to young, not ready, not now, maybe when things are better! He has told me during a row that he has thought about asking me but then we argue and he doesn't feel ready again ( we live together with 2 children of course we are going to argue).

If we had decided together that we didn't want to marry that would be different.

Would you ever willingly decide that though? Is that the problem perhaps? He makes excuses because ultimately he just doesn't want to tell you he isn't fussed about marriage but is concerned about your reaction to that? Relationships are all about honesty and he should have told you but frankly your posting on here talking about leaving because he won't marry you.... who knows how your marriage discussions go but it sounds very much like it's your way or he doesn't care about you or love you enough. You should know how your partner feels about you with or without the marriage. You know in the way they act, talk and do things for you. From what you've said there are hints of you both feeling unloved and you should address that before you start kicking off that he won't marry you

FBaby

How do you define 'proof of love'?? It will be different depending on the person's expectations and previous experience.

Some people are satisfied they are loved if they are often told they are loved, others will expect evidence that their feelings are taken into consideration, for others, it will little acts, for still more others it will be a big gesture, and for most, it will some combination of all of this.

My experience makes it that I don't believe it words because words are easy. To me, if you really love someone, deeply, without doubts, you are prepared to commit and therefore take a risk of losing something. In the case of my partner, by committing to me, he is taking a risk of losing out significantly financially. Wanting us to be married is proving me that he totally trust me, and trust is what I need in a relationship.

However, I have a friend whose new husband has shown commitment in many ways, but she is always doubting his love because he doesn't tell her he loves her or show much affection towards her.

FBaby

In the end, there are only so many truthful reasons for not wanting to get married:
- one doesn't believe in the establishment of marriage (Usually, these individuals are quite clear about their feelings from the start though)
- they want to protect their assets (especially if they have gone through divorce and lost out financially before)
- they would like to be married but want to do it properly yet don't want to get into debts and don't yet have the money saved (but in that case, they often are opened to discussing it).
- they don't see the point of it, can't be bothered (but then if it means everything to the other partner, they should at least be prepared to discuss it)
- they just don't want to be married to their partner. Unfortunately, I have heard this before from men, who are in relationship because they get what they want out of it, care for their partner, but have just an idea of who they would like to be married to and that person isn't it. That's clearly the tricky one as they are unlikely to ever be honest about it, yet as unlikely to ever make the move. I think these are the situations are usually end up going their different ways and I really hope is not the case for OP.

marisco_2

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Yes i love him and want to marry him but it seems to me that he doesnt feel the same and no matter how much i love him i cant spend my whole life giving love and not recieving the same back i would rather be alone, so thats why i can consider leaving him.

I appreciate some people dont see marriage as all that important but i do for whatever reason and he knows this.

Deciding to get married comes about, when you feel 100% confident that your partner, is the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with. Sadly many marriages dont work out but before they are even contemplated, that is how people should view the commitment they are about to make to each other.

You say that you are with someone that you feel you give love to and dont recieve it back. It is clear also that you think he doesn't listen to you or care about your feelings. Therefore I question why you want to marry someone who doesn't make you feel secure, loved, valued and respected.

I think you two really need to make a conscious decision together, to really work at your relationship and improve how you interact with and feel about each other. Maybe counselling could be of a benefit to you both. If after trying everything your problems cant be resolved, then you may have to make the painful decision of going your seperate ways. A last resort obviously, as there are two kiddies in the equation who would be adversely effected by this. Having now read this whole thread, I dont think the thought of marriage should even be on the cards for you two right now.

A wedding is a celebration of how in love a couple are with each other. You dont get married to prove to someone how much you love them. That knowledge should be a given before you walk down the aisle. Not something that comes about and that you feel you can only trust in once you have done that.

Mojisola

tankgirl78 wrote: »

But he hasn't ever said he doesn't want to get married what he has said is he's to young, not ready, not now, maybe when things are better!

He has told me during a row that he has thought about asking me but then we argue and he doesn't feel ready again ( we live together with 2 children of course we are going to argue).

Putting the blame on you is manipulative - does he do this in other areas of your life?

Why do you assume that a couple with children will argue?

pigpen

My OH don't argue and will soon have 9 children living here.. I think children are a reason you should not be arguing!

Why do you want him to marry you? It won't change anyones feelings.. you should get a will drawn up it is as legally binding and costs less to get out of.

After 12 years together and a child what is the point? A child sees your lives bound together forever a marriage certificate doesn't do that.. you can divorce and never see each other again but you can't do that with a child.. unless of course one of you is a total tool and contact isn't maintained. A joint mortgage or bank loan is more binding and potentially for a longer period of time than a marriage!

My OH made it abundantly clear he would not be wanting to get married and I don't care.. he is with me and we have our girls and he couldn't really escape if he tried.. he could leave me but I will always be part of his life through our girls. TBH, I think marriage is a stupid archaic idea of ownership and should be done away with, life would be a lot less stressful for a lot of people.. it isn't that important when you see people who have been married 6 or 7 times.. once is more than enough.

FBaby

Similarly, you can argue regularly and still be totally devoted and committed to each other.

What is relevant though is that it would appear as if the arguments you are having bring doubts to his mind. So what is it that you argue about that lead him to feel not ready? This is significant as it indeed shows that it has nothing to do with his thoughts on marriage, but very much how he feels about your relationship.

You say you are happy together and everything is perfect besides the issue of marriage? Are you sure that is how he feels? Maybe you do need to consider more his feelings as if he sees your relationship completely different to you, something is indeed not right.

snozberry

I do think that some people are thinking too much about the OPs problem. Some people just don't want to get married. For a long time, years and years even, the thought of getting married made me want to run for the hills. My feelings have nothing to do with how I feel towards my OH. I just can't stand fuss and the thought of being centre of attention is too much for me. I don't want to spent x amount of time and money faffing about over seating plans and flower arrangements, I don't want all of those eyes on me and I certainly don't want to invite people who I rarely see. Ugh, no! Commitment should not be based upon a certificate. Commitment is living together, buying a house and having joint assets, having a family, being together through thick and thin ... I could go on.

If my OH placed a lot of pressure on me to get married I wouldn't be very happy at all and I know that it would eventually place a strain on things.

Brighton_belle

snozberry wrote: »

I do think that some people are thinking too much about the OPs problem. Some people just don't want to get married. ......My feelings have nothing to do with how I feel towards my OH. I just can't stand fuss and the thought of being centre of attention is too much for me. I don't want to spent x amount of time and money faffing about over seating plans and flower arrangements, I don't want all of those eyes on me and I certainly don't want to invite people who I rarely see. .

Then her OH should be honest and say very clearly that he is not, and never will be, interested in marriage, instead of leaving her feeling strung along and that it is all her fault if she argues in the wrong way etc. Ideally, he would then look for other ways of assuring her how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with her an how much she means to him.

As an aside, it is entirely possible to have a wedding than is minimal, only have those very close to you there and no flowers/music/readings. We did. Simple and stress free.

duckeggblue

Mojisola wrote: »

Putting the blame on you is manipulative - does he do this in other areas of your life?

Why do you assume that a couple with children will argue?

Agree , hurtful and manipulative.