Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

dktreesea

tankgirl78 wrote: »

We don't argue about anything major and they are normally small 10 minute rows about silly things like leaving wet towels on the bed that kind of thing, we are not at each others throats 24 hours a day!

I am also not trying to force him to marry me I am trying to decide wether to leave him based in the fact that he doesn't want to marry me for what ever this years reason is.

I can understand why you want to be married. When I was in my twenties I wouldn't have lived with a man either, including the father of my children, without being married. "You don't want to marry me? There's the door" would have been my attitude.

But I have also known couples where the woman has said that and the man has refused to leave because he owns half the house, so feels why should he be the one to give up his home. Once you are already living together it's not that easy to undo things if the other party doesn't agree to leave, or if you're not prepared to lose out financially and/or lose the quality of your accommodation by leaving.

I think FBaby got it right when he/she said:
"- they just don't want to be married to their partner. Unfortunately, I have heard this before from men, who are in relationship because they get what they want out of it, care for their partner, but have just an idea of who they would like to be married to and that person isn't it. "

That sounds like your partner in a nutshell.

dktreesea

tankgirl78 wrote: »

If I was manipulative then we wouldn't be here now as we would all ready be married.

Manipulative in what way? There is a limit to how much you can manipulate someone who is already living with you without being married. After all, he has the situation he wants and plenty of reasons that he offers up why you are not "The One" for him. Since you haven't left nor, presumably, asked or persuaded him to leave, what potential remains for you to manipulate him?

divadee

I got married after 15 years (and 1 child) of being together. It was something we both felt the time was right. There is no point in forcing marriage on a partner who doesn't want it.

I never felt the need to get married as we were so committed and I knew we would be together marriage or not. But as I said above the time was right for both of us. We wanted the final commitment an to share our love with our family and friends.

It seems there are deeper issues in your relationship than just marriage. I would sort those out first before any more thoughts on marriage.

coolcait

Frugalista wrote: »

So which is it???

I think you've conflated two different points, and that's why you see a contradiction in the OP's story.

As I understand it, a number of people have suggested that the OP's OH is one of those people who doesn't ever want to get married. It's not a comment on how those people see their relationships, it's a comment on how they see marriage.

That's why the OP said "he hasn't ever said he doesn't [ever] want to get married".

From what the OP tells us, her OH has consistently said things which suggest that he will marry her - but there is always some kind of caveat. And those caveats change all the time.

Hence, I can undertsand why the OP feels that her OH "doesn't want to marry [her] for what ever this years reason is".

jtr2803

Hi OP,

I was debating whether to post on this thread, purely because it's one of those where no one can ever be 'right' but I saw that LEJC linked through to the 'waiting for a proposal' thread thread that I started a few years ago and thought I might be able to empathise in some ways.

My other half had often mentioned marriage during our first two years together, as though it was something that would happen further down the line and we would discuss it flippantly. After three years I was starting to get impatient, we had lived together for two years, didn't argue, were very much in love and I felt like it was time to take the next step in our lives together. Despite hints, direct and frank conversations about whether we were/were not going to get married and even some tears, it still didn't happen and my other half could never give me a concrete reason as to why. I went through all the emotions you have probably been through - sadness, regret (have I wasted my time?), feeling not good enough, insecurity etc and it doesn't matter how many other posters say marriage isn't important, or it's just a bit of paper....if it's something that is important to you then you can't rationalise the pros and cons as much as you might want to.

We had booked a big holiday for my 30th and my other half had hinted it would be the ideal time for a proposal.....which never came and I was heartbroken. About 6 weeks after the holiday I reached the end of my tether and said I was fed up of being led on and either he wanted to get married or he didn't. I was prepared to walk away at that point because the constant delays were undermining my self esteem and I knew I would only end up destroying the relationship anyway. He agreed at that point to get married.

Over the course of our planning many of the reasons he hadn't proposed came out, some that were silly to me but a big deal to him and the biggest one had been his own anxiety over the ceremony and having to speak in front of other people, something I had considered but apparently vastly underestimated. We had a very emotional and colourful wedding a few weeks ago and on the plane out to honeymoon we were talking about the day and he shed a few tears telling me that it was at that very moment everything had come together and he realised that marrying me was the best moment of his life. He now wishes he hadn't dragged it out so long or had been more open about his own fears and expectations so we could face them together.

So yes, I did give him an ultimatum and for us, it worked out. He has since admitted that if I hadn't done it, we would probably have never wed because he had built himself up to ask me but wound himself up so much that he backed out.

People might tell you that you should already 'know' how your other half really feels and what the likeliness of him agreeing to marriage is, but sometimes you want to believe they do and at other times your emotions cloud your own judgement so much that the answer could be staring you right in the face and you wouldn't see it.

You need to realistically weigh up all of your options, you know yourself better than anyone, can you do this for another 2/3 years?

an9i77

What difference would being married make to you? I have been with my partner 3 and a half years, we have a child together (and another one on the way) and whilst it still niggles me somewhat that we aren't married, I feel 'as good as' married so I've kind of learned to accept it.

I have no doubt that my partner is commited to me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he just doesn't feel a need to get married at the moment (he's never said it will never happen just not now).
I think whats more important than whether or not you get married is whether or not you feel your partner is commmited - commitment can happen without marriage.

There are plenty of married people who go off and have affairs/treat their partners like carp etc and plenty of unmarried couples who are totally commited to their partners and have a loving relationship.

It sounds like the OP equates marriage with commitment, and doesn't feel her partner is that committed to her.

I think you really need to have a heart to heart wtih your partner OP or even consider relate or something if its making you think of leaving.

koalamummy

an9i77 wrote: »

What difference would being married make to you? I have been with my partner 3 and a half years, we have a child together (and another one on the way) and whilst it still niggles me somewhat that we aren't married, I feel 'as good as' married so I've kind of learned to accept it.

I have no doubt that my partner is commited to me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he just doesn't feel a need to get married at the moment (he's never said it will never happen just not now).
I think whats more important than whether or not you get married is whether or not you feel your partner is commmited - commitment can happen without marriage.

There are plenty of married people who go off and have affairs/treat their partners like carp etc and plenty of unmarried couples who are totally commited to their partners and have a loving relationship.

It sounds like the OP equates marriage with commitment, and doesn't feel her partner is that committed to her.

I think you really need to have a heart to heart wtih your partner OP or even consider relate or something if its making you think of leaving.

Legally though marriage is a huge binding commitment to someone. Of course like any other contract it can be broken, but not walked away from without a care in the world. For some people the peace of mind that a marriage contract provides regarding security is invaluable. Nobody engages in a contract without the full intention of adhering to their side of it. However the refusal to commit may suggest that they in fact have no intention of ever adhering fully to their responsibilities as defined by a legally binding contract.

Coincidentally my DH was the one intent on marriage in our case, so my viewpoint is relatively impartial.

catkins

pigpen wrote: »

Leaving a functioning relationship because he doesn't want to get married is ridiculous. It sounds like you want to leave and that is the best reason you can think of... force him to marry you and you may find he resents you for it and leaves you first.. just be glad for what you do have, so many people are in violent, abusive, unhappy marriages too afraid to leave.. I know what kind of relationship I'd rather have.

It's not ridiculous in my opinion. Me and OH didn't live together before getting married but if we had I certainly would not have let 12 years go by and not be married. We had both lived with someone before we met each other but had never intended marrying that person. When we decided we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives (only 4 months after we met) we talked and decided we did not want to live together as we had already both done that and we wanted our relationship to be more "special". We both believe very very strongly in marriage and even if things go wrong (unlikely after over 30 years) we would split up but not divorce a neither of us believe in divorce.

I don't have a problem in couples living together but unfortunately when one is not keen on the idea of marriage a wedding just doesn't ever happen.

In the OP's case it is difficult because they have children so if they split up the children would suffer. It's a shame she could not convince her OH to marry her before the child was born.

System

catkins wrote: »

It's not ridiculous in my opinion. Me and OH didn't live together before getting married but if we had I certainly would not have let 12 years go by and not be married. We had both lived with someone before we met each other but had never intended marrying that person. When we decided we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives (only 4 months after we met) we talked and decided we did not want to live together as we had already both done that and we wanted our relationship to be more "special". We both believe very very strongly in marriage and even if things go wrong (unlikely after over 30 years) we would split up but not divorce a neither of us believe in divorce.

I don't have a problem in couples living together but unfortunately when one is not keen on the idea of marriage a wedding just doesn't ever happen.

In the OP's case it is difficult because they have children so if they split up the children would suffer. It's a shame she could not convince her OH to marry her before the child was born.

I can understand your point

I've shared/cohabited with 2 exes and bothe relationships (obv) failed and i think i knew i would never marry them. It has changed my viewpoint somewhat. I now feel as though i wouldn't now live with someone again unless i thought/knew we'd get married. Hard to explain why but its just something important to me and i think i feel if i moved in with them and that wasn't a shared viewpoint, it would never happen and i'd end up somehow resenting the person. I also have the crazy idea that i'd like to be married before having kids but i know that doesn't always happen and that's just a personal thing

Bangton

tankgirl78 wrote: »

We don't argue about anything major and they are normally small 10 minute rows about silly things like leaving wet towels on the bed that kind of thing, we are not at each others throats 24 hours a day!

I am also not trying to force him to marry me I am trying to decide wether to leave him based in the fact that he doesn't want to marry me for what ever this years reason is.

If you even have to question leaving him because of marriage then personally I would because it's clear the relationship doesn't give you enough without this element.