Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

pigpen

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy, why should I just force a smile and carry on because hey at least he doesn't hit me!
Marriage to me is much more than just a piece of paper or a big flash day.

I don't see why I should have to keep my feelings to myself through fear of scaring him away.

What is marriage to you?

What makes it so important that you risk losing a man who provides for you, had a child with you (did I read you have an older child too which is from a previous relationship? If so accepted your older child .. excuse me if I am muddled, it is past old biddy bedtime) has spent the last 12 years of his life with you?? No doubt stuck by you through crappy times and you must have some good times or you wouldn't still be together.

If he left because he didn't want to get married and felt pressured or resentful or even that you were blackmailing him (it might be that extreme to him) and is quite happy carrying on as you are where would that leave you? Is that where you want to be? I can't help but feel it is a silly thing to throw away a good relationship over.

You don't have to keep your feelings to yourself, you can discuss them with him rationally and then back off and let the subject drop.. or you could ask him to marry you every new year and valentines until he relents or you carry on as you are in a stable relationship.

My dad and 'stepmother' were together for 15 years.. booked a wedding had 4 children together, mortgage etc.. and separated about 6 weeks before they were supposed to get married. Her previous marriage lasted 3 DAYS!!! (she got pregnant, he married her didn't want to and went back to his gf 3 days after the wedding, he saw his son 3 times) It isn't always the solution you want it to be.

My OH is never going to marry me, it was part of our agreement when we got together, I said that was fine then but 4 years and 3 children later the only reason I would marry him is to change my surname to his and our girls so we all matched.. not really a valid reason I know .. I love him and want to be with him and we have our pinks .. that is enough of a commitment for me.. I am considering just changing my surname.. far less stressful and expensive.

System

actually thinking about it some more. You cant love him very much if your going to leave him just because he wont marry you. It doesnt seem like a reason to me it just seems like an excuse!

paulineb_2

I think what the OP will need to be very wary of is if she does get married and still isnt happy, well you've put yourself in that position.

Some people dont want to get married, full stop. Its not a requirement that every relationship ends in an engagement or marriage.

Are you and your partner engaged?

Mojisola

Judi wrote: »

actually thinking about it some more. You cant love him very much if your going to leave him just because he wont marry you. It doesnt seem like a reason to me it just seems like an excuse!

I think the "get married or not" issue is a vocalisation of a deeper dissatisfaction with the relationship.

tankgirl - can you forget the getting married bit for a moment and really look at your relationship? Do you want to stay with him for the rest of your life? Are things generally as good as you would want?

Pixiechic

It's hard because you have been with him for 12 years and apart from this issue say that day to day life is happy. You have two children one of which is his. It would just seem to be such a big shame to split up over marriage when you are both obviously committed.

That's me though and I understand that marriage is important to you and I respect that. I think that you and your OH really need to sit down and really let each other speak openly and honestly about the future.

You said that 'marriage' had become a 'dirty word' in your house and you haven't spoken about it for 1.5 years. If he feels pressured or that the talk will end in a big row, he may try to avoid it. Try to listen to him and not waive his replies off as excuses, they may be valid, might be the key to the wedding. Maybe a different approach may help? Even just to know where you stand about it.

catkins

pigpen wrote: »

Exactly.. I was most annoyed at having to purchase a replacement so I could divorce the cheating, bullying piece of crap money well spent though

I never even needed it for changing my surname when we first got it.

I got absolutely nothing positive or negative from the duration I was married (pertaining to the actual married status), it did however drag out the process of getting rid.. 10 months of hassle for a 20 minute crappy ceremony 15 years previously.

Just because you have a negative view of marriage not everyone does. Some of us believe in marriage.

pigpen wrote: »

Neither could ever truly be rid now though as they have a child, that lifelong bond a marriage doesn't guarantee.

Really? Tell that to all the children that never see their father or all the mums that never see their ex or get a single penny towards the children. I know of a few dads who have literally "disappeared" in order to avoid paying for their children

catkins

CC-Warrior wrote: »

Is it something like 45% of marriages that end in divorce? Add to that all the unhappy couples that would love to divorce but stay together because of community/cultural/religious pressure... the odds of true happiness can't be good.

The percentage of couples living together that split up is higher and apparently more so if there are children

claire16c

Judi wrote: »

actually thinking about it some more. You cant love him very much if your going to leave him just because he wont marry you. It doesnt seem like a reason to me it just seems like an excuse!

I would have thought about my leaving my OH if he hasn't wanted to marry me. Although my situation is different in that part of that was because I didn't want to have children until I was married. Although thinking about leaving someone is of course different to actually doing it.

The op could always do what someone I know did, who got fed up of her boyfriend taking ages to propose. She just started booking venues, florist, photographer etc and told him a date to turn up :rotfl: they've been married for years now.

It all comes down to exactly why he doesn't want to get married. I.e he can't be bothered with a wedding, or he actually doesn't want to be married to her, not married in general.

Amanda65

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy, why should I just force a smile and carry on because hey at least he doesn't hit me!
Marriage to me is much more than just a piece of paper or a big flash day.

I don't see why I should have to keep my feelings to myself through fear of scaring him away.

Hi Tankgirl

I can't see anywhere in the thread where you have mentioned your age (I believe he is 32). Sweeping assumption here but I would guess he is younger than you? Could you, subconciously or otherwise, be worried that he will leave if you aren't married? What are your exact reasons for wanting to get married?

For what it's worth I think his 'I was going to ask you but we argued' is rather cruel and very unncessary and do agree, if he genuinely doesn't want to marry you, at the very least he owes you a valid reason rather than excuses. I do think that this seems to boil down to your feelings of self-esteem, feeling you are not 'good enough' for him to marry, as much as anything else.

Without be accusatory or giving ultimatums, could you both sit down calmly at a pre-arranged time to discuss your feelings and his around the whole issue and try and put it to bed once and for all.

At the end of the day however you have a child together and for her sake you probably need to look at how you could be happier in your environment and relationship, married or not, rather than walking becuase her father won't marry you. Having her, to me, was when you made the ultimate committment to each other.

CH27

Mojisola wrote: »

I think the "get married or not" issue is a vocalisation of a deeper dissatisfaction with the relationship.

tankgirl - can you forget the getting married bit for a moment and really look at your relationship? Do you want to stay with him for the rest of your life? Are things generally as good as you would want?

Me too & marriage won't magically solve the issues.